Perseverance

Perseverance is hard.  You don't often hear about someone having to persevere through a vacation.    Yet, its one of those characteristics people desire because its critical in so many areas of our lives.  With this in mind, I'm PERSEVERING in teaching my boys about persevarance.... and its quite lible to kill me!

I hope any that read this, know by now my stance on mothering... to each their own.  God gave me my boys, for me to raise, cause He's got a plan for their lives no other set of parenting skills could help realize.  If you love your kids, you are doing what you think is best for them.  Period.  So please don't take anything I write out of context as superiority or grounds to question my parenting style.

We support independance round here.  At a rather young age.  We support the cry it out method for sleep modeling, the shake it off method for injuries not resulting in blood, dressing ones self despite the unique outcomes, etc...   However, this is obviously an evolution from the 100% dependence of that first year.
Where we've found ourselves in the spectrum of this evolution is an entirely capable 4 year old that chooses to 'quit' when something get's difficult.  It wasn't so long ago, that when the going got tough mom and dad would come to the rescue.  I still get the nagging 'mommy thought' that he's only JUST 4, he's still my baby.  Then I watch the news and see a society of 'babies' and KNOW its my job to practice perseverance and watch him fail, and get frustrated, yet encourage him to TRY again.

He's not the only one getting his perseverance tested.  We were at Barnes & Nobel today, and after reading him 3 books, I told him I wanted him to sound out the title of the 4th book with me "Trucks & Tractor's", and if he could do that, I'd read him the book.  It started off successfully, he pointed and correctly named all the letters in the title, then we moved to the sounds of the letters, and it quickly went down hill from there.  Mind you, I was saying EVERYTHING, and asking him to simply repeat.  In the span of one minute I'd make the sound for "T".... pause... pause... pause "Buddy, what did mama just say?".  Caleb's response the sound for "S".  Try again.  Fail.  Try again. Fail.  "Caleb, I need you to try, I don't feel like you're even listening to me."  I started to speed up the sounding it out, so I was basically SAYING "Trucks", and asking him what I was saying, his response "Cars".

Seriously? 

So I calmly tell him to put the book away, I can tell he's not ready to try this today and we'll try again another day.  He starts in with the whining of how he wants me to read it to him, yada yada yada... not gonna happen buddy.

Luckily after explaining this story to a girlfriend she recommended a book for me to try "Teach Your Child to Read in a 100 Lessons".... She had me when she said it took 5 minutes a day.  I'll be picking this up tomorrow!

Surprise!!!

You know how you're not supposed to care whether or not people like you, your just supposed to be you, and let the chips fall where they may? I'm not super good at that. Working on it. Not there yet.

As my 30th birthday approached, I tossed it out there that a party might be fun, trying in my very best way not to sound like I desperately wanted one. My birthday fell on Easter weekend. A vast majority of my friends are particularly involved in church, like busy ALL weekend involved. As it approached I prodded Kev a bit to see what the odds were looking like.... they weren't in my favor. He was so cute.... I could tell he so wanted something to work for me, but he seemed truly bummed that he and some of my girlfriends weren't able to pull something off.

Kev and my girlfriends are sneaky.... VERY sneaky.... and they are also AMAZING... VERY AMAZING!!!

SURPRISE!!!! I HAD A PARTY.... A SURPRISE PARTY!!!!

My actual Birthday was fantastic in it's own right. Where I compared myself to a 3 year-old yesterday... Birthday's reduce me to an adolescent as well. I LOVE THEM! Yes, still at 30, check back at 50, but I think yes, even then. I love that my loved ones call all day long, send me texts, FB posts, the whole shebang... If I'm supposed to act aloof like I could take it or leave it, well I think that's just crazy... I LOVE IT!

My birthday passed, but my girlfriend Julie, was saying she still wanted to celebrate with me, and was gonna take me out to celebrate this Friday (last night). Kev said he'd stay home with the boys, so I could have a girls night, and I was thinking 4-5 of us were gonna grab dinner. I was quite excited about that. I love my girls nights! So when Julie sent me a text prior to picking me up, saying our theme for tonight was "All of Julie's Favorite Things".... she had my curiosity piqued, and I even said to Kevin... "Well you guys are among my favorite things", to which he replied, "Yes but you got to spend all day with us on your B-day, so this is just an extension".

It was a girls night.... I wasn't about to push the point very hard :)

So when she picked me up and we started the night at CVS, picking out my favorite candy, my expectation were sufficiently suspended. If you want to throw someone a curve ball... start your night at CVS... to make matters more confusing, Stephanie actually joined us at CVS... it was planned. Who plans to 'meet up for the night' at CVS? My sneaky friends... that's who.

Then the three of us headed in to Old Town, and I was told we were going to meet Marci, and I figured dinner out and maybe a movie or something cause we had started early in the evening. My next surprise was awesome. They bring me to one of my favorite stores on King street and say, "Pick something". I felt like Reese Witherspoon in "Sweet Home Alabama", where she's in Tiffany's and her soon to be fiance says "Pick one".

Tiffany's.... Lou Lou's.... Same Diff!

I have to admit, I did have a little anxiety... good anxiety... but its where you try and guess what acceptable protocol is for gift selection. Truth be told, I needed a purse... BAD, and I found the stinkin cutest one in the store, that fits me perfectly... practical, right size, and um freaking awesome. Not knowing the protocol, I offered to chip in, but a couple of my friends had coordinated to go in.... so I GOT IT.... It's awesome... you'll see it some day.. maybe in pictures from the most awesome night ever, when they get posted :)

Words for what happened next escape me. We drove out of Old Town, toward a part of town where many of my faves live. My curiosity rose, but as we pulled into my friend Kaci's neighborhood all was VERY quiet. No group of cars... ANYWHERE. So I gathered we were gonna do our girls night at her house... she has kids, so it made sense, maybe she couldn't get a sitter or something.

Not the case.

A whole house-full of people, an amazing spread of food, cake, presents, games.... Speechless.

You would have thought they had to peel me off the ceiling. Excited is an understatement, a dramatic understatement. I don't know if I stopped bouncing for the first hour I was there. There were so many people there. For me. More came throughout the night, it was like another surprise every time the door opened. I felt SO loved. It's been in the works for months, they planned a game all about trivia about me... they KNOW me so well. Then in a slightly awkward, but amazing way, they went around the room telling me what they loved about me. I squirmed. Cause that's what I do. I wouldn't have changed it for the world though. You know those characteristics about yourself, that your quite certain annoy people, for me my 'exuberance'. Around the room, it was a trait repeated as loved. Staring one of my larger insecurities in the face, and hearing its 'loved', was one of the very best presents of the night!

Thank you Babe and Besties... ALL of you.... THANK YOU!!!! Thank you so much for the VERY best night... I loved every second of it, and love every single one of you SO much, and am SO thankful to have you in my life!!!! YAY!!!

"Julie.... I Am Your Faaaaaather"

Charelton Heston ruined me. My whole life, I've believed the voice of God was going to sound exactly like it did to Charelton Heston in the "Ten Commandments". Thus, having obviously never heard that booming voice, that also strangely enough sounded like Darth Vader to me, I fell in the camp of believers that 'God speaking' was more of a metaphor than a reality. People tried to explain it to me as 'the still small voice'.... that just made no sense to me. I'm loud. My life is loud... still and small, are not words easily understood by me. Still others, told me it was thoughts, random thoughts that popped into my head, they were from God. Well that's all fine and dandy, except my thoughts remind me of popcorn popping, and I have ADD.... so one pops, but before I grab hold another shiny object has captured my attention, and a lot of my thoughts I'm quite certain are most certainly NOT from God.

I think I exasperate my friends.

Well it happened folks. God spoke to me. Strangely enough he sounded an awful lot like my mom.

After my post yesterday, I had a few friends remind me, as they lovingly do, that my perception of works to attain a relationship with God is slightly flawed. I usually nod politely, and agree that I'm quite obviously missing SOMETHING, however the what is still up for debate. It's when their feedback stops, and we've parted ways, that my righteous indignation flairs up... and usually it sounds something like this (in my head).

Well that's crap. What, I'm just supposed to DO nothing? That makes zero sense. Obviously I have to be doing things, I'm just not doing the right things yet. That's what gives Christians the bad rap as it is... all those conversations where you truly express a need for help, and you get the "hmmmmm, I'll pray about that and let you know".... code for... Jesus just told me "no, I've got a pass to 'rest in him' today". (At this point my conversation usually turns between me and God) Seriously, God... what am I missing here... I'm trying.... you get that right? All my friends get it, and they aren't taking the free pass, chill on the sidelines resting all day long, so they are obviously DOING things. So what, I'm gonna do these things, and what about everyone else that doesn't... they're just gonna take advantage.... that's not fair.

Then it happened. This thought. Why don't you just worry about yourself, and let me take care of everyone else.

Stupid thought. (says my three year old self, that just got reprimanded for complaining)

Told you it sounded like my mom... which strangely enough sounds a lot like me now a days, when Caleb is complaining that Logan hit him, and my reaction isn't the same as when He hits Logan... "But MOOOOOOM, its not fair", to which I reply, "You take care of you, and let me worry about Logan".

I've compared myself to a 3 year old before, so this isn't exactly new territory for me, but the acknowledging that God, being that created a universe and is currently monitoring the 6+ billion people on it, wanted to chat with me for sec... yeah... that's new.

Not gonna lie, I was hoping one of the first convo's was something closer to the winning lotto numbers for the near $1 Billion previous jackpot... but whatevs, I'll take what I get and consider it progress.

Moore Love Please!

Beth Moore is a trip! She embodies all mannerisms of a Texas woman, and I can confidently say that, having lived in that wonderful state for 8 years. She has BIG hair, and a BOLD attitude, and pours that southern charm all over her 'girlfriends', 'sweet-thangs', or whatever other term of endearment she assigns to you that day. I LOVE her. I love that she embraces her 'obnoxious' attitude (she called herself that), and doesn't apologize for it, cause it gives me hope that my obnoxiousness, will someday have a purpose too!

Ya'll know I've been doing her Breaking Free Bible study with some of my own girlfriends for the last 10 weeks now. So we've gotten schooled in all manner of Beth-isms, I even managed to execute a spoof skit of Beth... time will tell if I will ever post it to the web for the world to see. I turned 6 shades of red, and was sweating profusely, when it aired at church as is, so my You Tube premier may have to wait.

My good friend Beth called me out last night. She has a funny way of doing that... just after calling you sweet heart... it takes the sting off that way I guess. We only have 3 weeks of class left with her, so I guess it was about time. The week's study was on God's Unfailing Love, and why so many of us struggle to believe that he's over the moon in love with us... not the well he has to love us we're his 'children' love, but like ewwy, gooey, goodness love.

I was hanging with her as she explained love not being a feeling but a choice, one we have to consciously choose over and over. I get that. Being married, having kids, it's taught me what making that choice looks like. Luckily, with my amazing men, it doesn't often come to a choice, loving them has been easy and awesome. I have them here with me though. I can feel their love in their sweet hugs and kisses, hear their sweet "I love you's", and see their beautiful smiles and faces filled with content.

Then Beth laid it on in her smooth southern drawl, saying "Girlfriend, do you feel that same love for your Father in Heaven, or do you just respect him? Cause sweetheart, you can respect your boss, but that don't mean your gonna take him out to coffee weekly."

She said it so nicely, I almost missed the gut punch.

It totally made sense as she explained it. When you Loooooooove someone (yes, that's how I said love as a 6th grader, when I was calling a friend out for having a crush on a guy), you'll do all manner of idiotic things in the name of love. I had PLENTY of people telling me prior to marrying Kev, that we should just wait for him to make it through school, and THEN get married. Obviously, in my totally mature 21 year old state, I knew better. Our love was 'different', they just didn't know that. I'm not saying I wished I would have waited, but I will concede our 'love' may not have been as different as I thought, cause it was H-A-R-D, and we made so many mistakes and hurt each other along the way, but we are now stronger for it.

When you love someone you stick with them when the going gets tough, because that love makes obedience to them, and perseverance through the tough times easier.

I'm not there yet with God. I want to be, but I'm not. I think he's cool. I respect Him. But total adoration, all consuming love... I'm still stuck on that side where I think he wants me to do a WHOLE lotta work, and its not really fun. I'm trying, cause like I said I respect him... and even though I'm not supposed to think of him with his thumb over me ready to squash me if I don't, that fear of the Lord thing being the beginning of wisdom makes sense... cause I'm not being a total moron anymore, but being honest its not quite motivated by love yet. Love your enemy... that's not a concept you pick up over night.... Someone cuts me off in traffic, my initial reaction is not to bless that sweet soul. Knowing people talk smack (yes smack) behind my back, doesn't really evoke the desire to say a prayer for them... you catch my drift. Thank goodness Beth, in her divinely appointed wisdom, quickly confirmed that it's o.k if we're not currently swimming in pools of blissed out love toward God, else I may have chucked the whole thing right there.

I'm not the most patient person. I thought my boys were God's special plan to help me work on that, but apparently they were just prep for me working on my relationship with Him. I keep repeating in my head 'all good things come to those who wait', and being motivated by my beautiful friends that surround me, lounging in their blissed out pools, telling me the water feels great. I feel like I've jumped, but am suspended in mid-air now, and I just get to wait on God to release whatever he's planning for his big splash. Annoying.... but I suppose a perk to any cyber-stalkers that follow my ramblings, cause when the pieces finally come together ya'll will be among the first to know :)

P.S. Stalking is creepy... you should just 'follow' so I don't have to guess. Looks like Beth's not the only one calling people out today ;)

Christianese

My heart stopped last night. Not really, but it felt like it. I was in one of my 'Dance Classes', and after telling the room of ~20 people, whom after 7 weeks of class I've deemed a significant percent of the class to be far more knowledgeable in all things faithy, a little story, someone belted out: "You have to pray that over us!"

Huh? Pray what over you? I just told you a story about how my kids kept me up all night, and when I woke up the next morning and started blaming it on God like normal, I stopped and realized for the first time ever this 'enemy' you all speak of was much more likely the culprit. This little turn of events in my brain allowed me to continue on the normal course of the day I had planned the evening before, rather than wallow in exhaustion that God is still against me.

So I looked at her with my blank expression, started to sweat, then asked the teacher to help. Her response, "You got this". More sweat.

(Thought process in my head: What does she want me to pray over her, and why do it in front of everyone... what if they don't want me to pray a crappy night sleep over them?)

What came out of my mouth: "God, um, I pray that whatever these people are seeking from you, that you'd give it to them, and that they would receive it (Christian word), and agree with it (Christian phrase), and that they would rebuke any lies (Christian phrase) they believe, oh and that you would put a hedge of protection around them (Christian phrase) too, In Jesus name. Amen".

Sweat. Make joke. Awkwardly fidget. Hope that enough Christianese in one prayer could make it sound legit.

I'm guessing the break through, in being able to discern God might not be responsible for the crappy nights sleep, but rather allowing them, to challenge me not to let my circumstances dictate my demeanor... was the more poignant point she was after.

Hindsight is 20/20.

God, I need to replace my generic prayer for all my friends, mmm kay? Can you please give us gentle reminders from time to time, when you're allowing particularly undesirable events to occur, that we have the choice to totally foil the enemy's plans and rock on with our bad (read 'good') selves? That would be awesome! Amen. (P.S. Prayer: If you could also let one of my friends teach me where all these strange Christian phrases/words that go in prayers came from, so that when/if I use them again, I actually know what I mean when I'm praying them, that would be great too. Thanks. (First question... can I end a prayer with "Thanks" or do I have to say Amen? What if I don't put "In Jesus Name" before the Amen, what then? Friend, you can see where this is headed, you might want to clear an afternoon for me :))

The Lost and Found

Perspective is a fickle creature. If you are standing too close to something you can't see what it is, its blurry and muddled, and to be honest rather ugly. It can give you a headache if you look at it that way for too long. Perspective is FAR to easy to lose, especially for someone who has a hard time holding on to things I can actually SEE. Even when you do find it, you can't hold on to it for very long. No, it's elusive. The Holy Grail, maybe, right perspective.

I see life that way. Is there ANYONE closer to my life than me? Anyone with a more myopic view? No. So, I am in the worst possible position to make calls on my own life. I'm too close to it. From my perspective its muddled and sometimes ugly, and when I look at it too long, it can give me a headache.

I quit.... For today.... Tomorrow I'll probably tell you to butt out again, because by then I will have lost my perspective.... again... darn slippery little sucker!

Saturday night I couldn't fall asleep. I put myself to bed at 9pm, hoping for a good long night sleep, so I could be good/fun Mommy the next day. I was tired Saturday, and not as much fun as I wanted to be with the boys, so I gave myself a stern talking too (read: wallowed in Mommy guilt) and put myself to bed early, with resolve to do better the next day.

My brain had other plans. Going on 48 hours now removed from the 'episode', as I'm now lovingly calling it, I have better perspective. However in it, I was convinced I was going crazy, that I was losing my mind. I'm learning slowly this is something the 'Christian world' likes to call a "Spiritual Attack". (I like the single apostrophe quotes (I'm sure there is a real term for them, but I don't know it), I think of myself doing 'air quotes' with my fingers when I type them out.) I put them around 'Christian World', because its a strange term to me, one I don't know what to do with, so I call it out as someone else's term.... Anyway... I seem to be having these a lot lately, "Spritual Attacks", for those that got lost in my convoluted train of thought.

The Catholic world doesn't talk about this, or at least they never did to me. In that world (for me), a good healthy dose of guilt just meant you were doing it right, being a martyr for the cause was smiled upon, and doing it in the most visible way possible was even better. Image was everything. Joy, peace, contentment, those things were considered Heavenly. I took that literally. Like, sure enjoy a brief experience of it here and there to wet your appetite and keep you committed to public martyrdom, but don't expect to experience it for any length of sustained time here.

Yeah.... I might have had a teensy, tiny, little mis-understanding. You can understand the air quotes on 'Christian world' a bit better now. I'm gun shy of religious terms and religious people. I posted a Blog awhile back called "Love Wins", after I read Rob Bells book. I said I liked it. I still do. In his book he asked a TON of questions, I'm not sure he directly answered even one.... I think that's why I liked it. I have a TON of questions, and answers for none. When you find people that think like you, and I consider writing, to be thoughts out loud, it makes you feel a little less crazy. I don't like feeling crazy. I also liked the book, because I'm in the camp that thinks its that simple. Love Wins. I'm not saying its easy, but when that's all you have, you win. I think of it in the "Big Daddy" (movie quote) context. "I love you, and you, and you, and you (x 6.2 billion world pop).... I win!".

I'm learning so much, and growing so much, that I keep taking steps of faith... some may call it religion, but I'll stick with faith. I keep coming back to church every Sunday, because it's encouraging there, this talk of "On Earth as it is in Heaven"... who wouldn't want that?

It's like going to the Lost and Found for me every week... You know, when you misplace something and you go back to the last place you had it, and ask if you can look in their Lost and Found? That's church for me... and Momastery.com, but she talks about churchy stuff using my kind of non-commital language. I go in with my ugly/muddled view on life, the one that's giving me a headache, and making me want to self-medicate, and walk out with the better perspective I had misplaced. They remind me, that if I would stop focusing SO intently on my own life for a sec and look around, my headache will go away, and I'll see the bigger picture.... and as corny as it sounds, the bigger picture really is a LOT more beautiful, than the muddled myopic one!

Dance Class

I'm starting another journey today. This one isn't a Fast. Thank God... I'm fasting, fasting, for awhile I think. Two fasts, 2 months apart, filled my fasting tank. I will now indulge in chocolate and cheese happily... or at least until my pants get tight.

No, today marks the beginning of the Spring Semester for Metro groups. I'm signed up for two weekly classes, the Freedom Growth Track class as a member, and I'm also leading the Breaking Free: Beth Moore study. Did anyone else pick up on my trend? For the next 3 months I'm considering myself on the fast track to Freedom. Freedom from insecurities, fears, a rather obnoxious thought life, you name it, I want Freedom from it. I don't know what this means. I have no real expectations for the ride, but I am excited and anxious for it in equal parts.

While I don't have any expectations, I do have my own selfish desires for it. For one, I'd like some freedom in my ability to show emotion in public. Currently I see myself as having an allergy to public displays of emotion, namely my own displays. I'm hopeful, over the course of these 12 weeks, that my 'reaction' to either the thought of display, or God forbid the actual display of an emotion, no longer sends me into anaphylactic shock, requiring eppie pins to bring me out of it. It's not pretty people.

Don't presume to know what I mean by 'public' either. I think there is a 'range' of criers... there's me... a 'rock', no tears, no display of emotion, some may wonder if I even feel. Yes, I am not bionic, I do feel, I just don't want you to know it! Then there are those, in a stadium of thousands, that are heaving, snot flying, sobbing over a message that has 'reached' them.

I would be satisfied if I could cry comfortably in front of Kevin, and not just because I am SO happy that "The Notebook" ended the way it did, again, or maybe a handful of close friends.

But more importantly, and God, need you to be paying attention here, I would like to meet you.

Not in the literal sense, please, I'm not done yet down here... just saying.

You know I'm not a fan of the 'relationship dance'. I appreciated your acceptance of that fact when you brought Kev and I together. That man and I can dance! We have fun, we don't 'mess' with each other to see how closely the other is paying attention, we say what we mean, and we mean what we say. Thank you for him!

As for you and I, I'm having a hard time figuring out this dance. I don't feel like I know the steps, and I know you wanna take the lead, but seriously... I'm not the best dancer, I don't know how to follow. You know the dances I like... the fast, up beat ones I can dance all day long to on my own. These SLOW songs, I don't know any elaborate steps, I think I keep stepping on your toes, and its awkward. I want to dance beautifully with you, hand n' hand, let you twirl me around the dance floor... THAT sounds absolutely delightful, but THIS.... These jerky movements, these tentative steps, and this feeling I have that I'm being televised on Dancing With the Stars, where all the other contestants around me are swirling and twirling beautifully... well to be honest it makes me want to quit.

We've got 12 weeks of 'Dance Classes' God.... I'm not throwing out an ultimatum, that I quit if I'm not the best dancer out there when this is said and done, but can you at least show me the steps? Can you COME to the classes and teach me how to dance, how to follow, so that it looks like its supposed to... that people can tell we're actually dancing, rather than hurting each other constantly on the dance floor? Can you make me feel like I belong here, on this dance floor with you, not like a poser on the brink of discovery? Can you make me believe that you like dancing with me, even when I step on your toes, that you aren't horribly frustrated with me and waiting to point out my every mis-step, that you don't want to dump me for a better dance partner, one that can pick up the steps faster, and keeps up? Would you make me joyful and proud (in the good way) to dance around the room with you, in front of all the judges, televised and all?

And God, when I trip and fall, because we know that will happen... it is me we're talking about. Catch me. Make it look like a new move, one we planned, so that we don't miss a step, the judges don't notice, and the crowds applaud your masterful skill.

Can you do this for me God? Please? Thank you.