Don't Forget Me

My braveheart battle cry from last nights post was tempered this morning.  I was engrossed in my usual review of the morning news over breakfast, aka 'Facebook News Feed', and I stumbled across two heart wrenching narratives.  The first was illustrated with a picture of a non-descript elderly women, and it was one of those posts that blurred the line between reality or a poignant truth designed to transcend time.  The short of it, a wife approached her husband saying she wanted him to take another woman out on a date, his mother.  It had been so long, both mother and son approached the event rather timidly, but inevitably had a beautiful evening, and it was the highlight of the elderly woman's decade quite probably.  As you read further, he ends up losing his mom shortly there after to a heart attack.

The second, was a beautiful narrative written about a father's love for his young son.  How in a moment of wrestling he was able to transcend time, and appreciate the moment for what it was, the purest expression of love he'd known.  Yet, while wrestling with his son, he wrestled with the fear of wise counsel all parents hear from those that go before us, "enjoy it now, it won't last".  He ended the narrative with a comment about calling his Dad to set up a date for beers.

The two combined were a little much for this mama of two beautifully rambunctious little boys.  My heart screamed in that second, don't forget about me.  Don't forget that when your daddy went to work, before you got to tackle him with those bear hugs when he got home, that I was here, making you breakfast, playing hide and seek, snuggling you into a nap, and that WE wrestled too.  Don't forget about me.  Don't forget that I carried you, nursed you, rocked you, changed you, soothed you when no one else could, that I calmed your fears in the middle of the night, fed you every day, kissed every ouchie and spanked whatever nasty piece of furniture gave it to you.  That I loved you fiercely every second of every day, even in those moments where our wills would go toe to toe with each other, and I would force you to back down, because I had to, because it was my job to teach you respect, and honor.  I knew from the moment you were born I was not raising boys, I was raising men, and I know the men our world needs and there are too few of them.  You will be amazing men, just like your daddy, but please don't forget about me.

Anyone that knows me, knows we're praying pretty hard for a daughter someday.  This is the reason why.  My fear of being forgotten.  Daughters call their mom's, plan weddings with them, shop with them, raise their own babies with them, they grow into friendships with them....  But it is the men who are called to 'leave their family and become one with their wife'.  We raise them, knowing this.  Knowing it is our job to raise confident, courageous men, who are able to change the world we've set them into, and do not need their mom fighting their battles.  My fear is that you'll too soon forget all the battles I fought alongside you, cheering you on, pushing you harder.  When you were scared you would fall off your bike again when the training wheels came off, and I ran beside you until your confidence grew, when you whined that you couldn't buckle your seat belt with out my help, and I waited patiently until you did.  We overcame many battles together boys, but I know the day will come when I have to send you out alone, trusting God with the men He helped me raise.  Please know this will take more courage than all previous battles combined, for me to stay quietly behind, to let you leave gracefully without begging to let me come with you.  Please see this grace, this courage, and don't forget me.

Already, I am praying for their wives.  For the women they will be and for the parents raising them.  I look forward to developing relationships with those girls in the future.  Its not the same.  I know this because I see it in my own relationship with my mother-in-law.  I love her, but in most cases she  is not my first call to debrief from the day, to catch-up, or to seek advice on anything from cooking the Thanksgiving turkey, to curing the most recent case of diaper rash.  I also see my future playing out in how Kevin interacts with his mom, and I can understand why the wife in the first narrative sent her husband on a date with his mom.  The narrative didn't say it, but this was a mom of boys.  I know it.  It is our silent way of asking God, to remind our future daughter-in-laws to do the same.  I try to do this for you Dianne :).... remember the hike this summer, I took Augie with me on purpose (although it was really probably good I did, cause if the 2 of us had come up against the bear.... yikes!).

I know whatever children God blesses us with in the future will fit the perfect plan He has for our family.  The desires of my heart are not new to Him, nor are my fears.  However, I will continue to try and be strategic in ensuring Kevin spends quality time with his mama, in the hopes someday I will get to reap what I have sown.

Boys.... Please don't forget me.

Winning the War

My children are ninjas.  That occurred to me as I was picking up 4 random toys strewn haphazardly across the living room after dinner tonight.  It's the only explanation really, given I've made a silent oath to enforce the clean up of every mess before a new one is made.  I can't explain how it happens.  When they are playing with something I make a mental note to ensure its put away, but seemingly without movement I blink and they've disappeared to the next mess. 

So call them back and have them clean it up.... ahhhh.... logical response my fellow reader, and one I choose to implement often.  The problem I'm discovering, when I call them back they re-engage with their original activity, leaving the newly created mess behind in their wake.  I feel like I'm stuck in the bad blond joke, where you give a blond a piece of paper that says 'turn over'.... on both sides.

I wish being a tyrant was the in vogue style of parenting, as opposed to the trend of allowing children to 'discover' who they are with our gentle guidance.  I would be SO vogue!  I have discovered my children are every bit as whiny, selfish, irresponsible, prone to stealing (each other's toys, a snack, etc...), lying (about said stealing), and assault (to each other... yes boys will be boys... but there is a line... somewhere) as you would expect from 2 & 4 year old boys.  With this said, based on the behavior I can see from children any day of the week on local playgrounds, I would still classify my boys as well behaved.  I've got high standards for them.  I'm not willing to compromise those standards because they aren't the cool way to parent right now.

I am proud to be a tyrant.  I hate being a tyrant.  Being a tyrant now will pay off.  I say these three things to myself on repeat throughout the day.

It comes in phases.  They'll decide to test a boundary, and it will last for a month or two.  I'll have to put on my tyrant hat and hold firm to the law of the land, consistently, every time.  If I look the other way once, I just prolonged my boundary testing phase by at least a week.  It's war over here right now peeps.  I may lose a battle here and there, but I will WIN the war!  You think I'm kidding.   I don't see it as a coincidence this behavior immediately follows a week in Michigan for Thanksgiving, with parties at Grandparents house almost every night, and a very loosely held schedule.  Give 'em an inch they take a mile.

I wish they could understand how much it breaks my heart.  How I loathe being the enforcer.  That perspective has come in handy in refining how I see God.  I used to think He was up there with His magnifying glass messing with the ant hills He had created.  Yeah, my perspective was a bit skewed.  He loathes being the enforcer exponentially more than I do.  Hoping beyond hope that we'll choose right, believe in Him, allow Him to guide us, dreading the alternative.... but being the Ultimate Father that He is, He cannot stand by and allow our poor choices to pass without consequence.  I hold the same hope He does, that my correction will draw them closer to Him (and me by proxy), they will realize the correction is down out of love and concern for their greater well being, rather than their immediate satisfaction.  Please God, let it be so.

***Its unfortunate in our society I feel a need to caveat this post by saying all discipline is delivered in a calm, loving way... yes there is still some screaming and fit throwing, but at least 90%, 75% of the time its only the kids throwing the fit.... The other 25% of the time, I throw a seperate fit to God asking how long this 'phase' is going to last :)***

Thankful at Thanksgiving!

It's not often I fall off the grid.  I did this past week.  It was glorious.  There is a little unhealthy anxiety at thinking I need to somehow catch-up on it all, but a cursory scan of Facebook indicated that would be all but impossible, so I'm getting better at brushing the anxiety aside. 

I've been following the 'Thankful' posts of friends all month, contemplating all the things I'm thankful for in my life.  I determined I needed WAY more than a month of days to list them all, which made me feel overwhelmed, so I grabbed some m&m's and decided to be thankful for those in the moment rather than hyperventilating.

After a week with my family it is much easier to align on the one.  I am so thankful for my family.  We are a unique bunch for sure.  However, as I was reminded at church this past Sunday, unique families are the norm now-a-days.  Despite living with each other for 18ish years, we know remarkably little about what makes each other tick, especially after going on 10+ years apart now.  Regardless of the changes we've experienced, or the differences we have, we are able to reunite throughout the year without focusing on the changes or the differences.  When we see each other, we see a life long bond, one that is meant to last and one that requires love and respect of differences to sustain. 

It's a miracle really.  A holiday miracle. 

I used to wonder if things needed to be discussed.  But in between the joy filled squeals of kids running about, and holiday meals being shared, the question always remained.... when?  Is it possible to grow together as we grow up separately?  I wasn't sure.  Then it hit me.  This was yet another area where I was operating on my time tables.  I love my family.  I love our differences.  We are each uniquely gifted to support one another in different areas.  I don't need to be concerned with anything else.  I get to enjoy my time here.  Enjoy falling off the grid.  Enjoy being invited to my sisters class room to watch her create memories for a class room full of kids.  Enjoy sipping hot cocoa with my mom in the morning.  Enjoy talking adventures in babydom with little sis, and enjoy adventures with crazy papi and the boys.  I am thankful for how close both my families and Kevin's are, that we're able to coordinate visits with everyone when we come home, and that both families are so respectful of the limitations our calendar's have.

Thankful and hopeful for what the future will bring for our awesome families!!!

My Inner Child

This is what I imagine she would say.....

Hello friend.  Welcome back.  Those were a rough couple decades when you thought you could ditch me and try to be someone else.  We aren't so bad you and I.... a little exhuberant.... yes, but I'd rather you think of us as an aquired taste.   Like some super expensive stinky cheese.... something the average person doesn't understand, but to those willing to invest, it becomes a favorite treat.

You can thank me for your good fortune in the husband department.  Here you were trying your hardest to be someone your not, and the whole time I was asking God to send an angel to keep us safe, you weren't doing so hot there on your own.  I hadn't really specified physical characteristics, and after a few of those pictures I saw of us in High School... well I was concerned... we were goofy looking.  I was pleasently suprised by the angel God chose. He's Hot!

You know, me and God had lots of conversations about you.  We were pretty sad when you lost touch with us, but we kept each other company, certain you would come looking for us again after awhile.  Then God had this hilarious idea.  Kids.  You should have seen us, we were rolling around laughing at that one!  God knew they would scare you half to death and get you to come looking for us.  Man was He right!  You should have seen your face when they put Cub on your chest.  Hysterical!

You're doing pretty good ya' know.  Room for improvement sure, but don't be too hard on yourself.  God's been explaining to me just how hard kids really are.  He explained that apart from staying in constant contact with Him, its rather impossible to raise them properly, something about ya'll being just too selfish and prone to angry outbursts apart from Him.  He's really happy you're figuring that out, and trusting Him to turn your kiddos into something great, He has some awesome plans for them, just you wait and see!

Overall, I think you've come along way.  I proud of you for finally deciding to grow up, I've needed you to for quite sometime, its been hard being the more mature person... I am only a child afterall.  Trust God, He really has been looking out for us since the beginning, He won't lead you astry.  Oh, and one more thing.... Do try and keep in mind, that while your maturity level is still close to mine, your metabolism isn't.  Remember that angel God gave us, the hot one, listen to him... work out... eat healthy, now that you're starting to figure out this thing called life I can't wait to experience it as we grow up!  You and I, we were meant to be awesome!

**Obviously I was a bit confused by the original question.... implying that by getting older, we infact grow into an adult is a rather presumptious leap :). Sometimes, as evidence from my post, I think the adult stands to learn a lot from the child they tried to leave behind.**

The Freedom to Choose

I was looking forward to the political frenzy dying down.  I am very thankful to see the stupid yard signs removed from the medians of most major road-ways.  I'm also curious at the delicate balance between the intelligence of politicians, and those voting for them.  Does a politician really gain that many more votes from having signs declaring their name LITERALLY spaced 5 feet apart all along a road?  Are they really concerned that if they don't place one infront of every opponents yard sign, we'll somehow miss theirs?  I would love to know what the sign budget is for these campaigns.

The signs are gone.  The issues aren't.

I just read this article.  It made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't realize before today, that there was a need to qualify my vote.  I am  pro-life AND pro-choice.  I would LOVE to see abortions drop to zero.  If that occured because *most people wised up and realized a consequence of sex was babies, and approached it more responsibly, well that would be awesome, but unfortunately that doesn't appear to be a realistic option currently.  (*most, is in reference to the 90+% that are not a result of traumatic exchanges).

I do believe life starts at conception.  Unless you take action against the natural progression, it results in a living person... you know... one of US. 

Today, however, I also realized I'm pro-choice.  I am all for having the choice to be for or against something.  Yet, our pro-choice political party seems rather content with themselves at ticking off personal freedoms.  It boggles my mind that a group of people in support of a party that's major proponent is personal freedoms: freedom to marry whomever, freedom to abort whenever, freedom to smoke pot and live in tents in major metropolitians across the country, are not at all concerned with the governement extending the long arm of the law to force a group of people into doing something against their personal beliefs.  I have a hard time believing a group of people so large would not see the big picture, that what it does to one group sets a precedent enabling it to do to all.

It's sad, that political parties have turned things SO around that they portray the other party in such an extreme.  I am pro-life.  That does not mean, I have an intent on fighting abortions into oblivian.  I would rather the choice exisit for someone, than see that person harm themselves in some way because of a hopelessness they feel engulfing them.  However, I would like to see the path to enact such a decision set with 'speed bumps', that causes the person to slow down and think about the choice they are going to make.  A session or two of therapy, a slightly higher out of pocket fee, the presence of a friend/potential father at steps in the process.  Something that gives the individual a moment of pause before they take action against the life forming inside of them, forces them to look at the consequence of their decision, rather than ignoring its exsistence.  I do not want to see the choice made so easy that pills, which terminate the natural order of a life, are available down the hall at a dorm room's RA, or available at your employeer free of charge.... you know... just incase.  Sick.  

Why should I, or Hobby Lobby, have to pay for that choice?  Shouldn't we be afforded a choice?  Do we not have the same freedoms as an individual choosing to engage in an activity that creates life?  Stop hiding behind an ignorance, that the alternative can be so extreme, that you must support forcing people to freely give something against their beliefs, and afford them the same freedom you are trying to protect.... The freedom to choose.

A Step of Obedience

About a month ago we learned of an awesome opportunity our church had to purchase the land we've been renting.  One of my favorite things about our church leadership team is they don't personally 'ask' for money.  They show us the vision, educate us on the resources needed to accomplish said vision, ask us to talk to God about what our role in the vision should be, then recommend we be obedient to His guidance.  Not rocket science.  Talk to God, do what He says.  For married couples, they provide the added guidance of seeking a number separately and then revealing to each other as a sort of confirmation that what you are hearing is from God.... Given the God's not in the business of dividing a household, chances are good they'd be close.

After the vision was laid out by our Pastor, I felt like I knew our number.  I didn't necessarily LIKE our number, but I knew it.  Each subsequent week after service, I would ask Kevin if he had a number.  He didn't.  Finally this past Friday, with the miracle offering taking place on Sunday, I pushed a bit harder.  Kev's response was he hadn't gotten anything, and he was of the mindset we take the year off, we contributed last year, and throughout the year, we could sit this one out.  I gently reminded him of all our blessings, and that I thought we should, and he asked if I had a number.   Sensing the overall resistance to the concept at the outset, I cut my original number in half to avoid shocking his system completely.  He appeared to hold his position. 

I was confused.  Why would God give me a number and not Kevin?  Part of me was relieved, my job is to support Kevin, if he hadn't gotten anything maybe I'd heard wrong and we did get to sit this one out.  So I told God, I was supporting Kevin, and if the number was meant to be the same, He had to get Kevin there on His own.... I wasn't starting a fight over this.

Saturday Kev asked if I would mind watching the boys so he could have some quiet time and get some stuff done.  Sunday on the drive to church, he asked in a nonchalant way about some of our savings.  I said, "Babe, you fill out the envelope, whatever you feel like giving we'll give, if its nothing that's fine too.  If you wouldn't mind though before dropping it in, just give me a glimpse so I know where we're at."  He said that sounded good to him and we left it at that.

Service was great as usual.  We got to see an even more detailed mock drawing of what the renovated building could look like if we're able to secure the property, and the excitement in the room was palpable.  We'd just come off a 24hr praise/worship night with people praying for the vision and the offering, and the room was quite literally buzzing with energy.  We got to the end, the band went up for a song to give people time to pray one last time, fill out their envelopes, and turn them in.

Kev filled ours out.  Just before sealing it up, he slid it over to me.  The number was the EXACT same number I'd felt when I'd asked God almost FOUR weeks earlier.  Not the 'half' number I had shared with Kevin on the Friday, I'd never voiced the original one to him, and yet there it sat on the paper, staring me in the face.

I couldn't even contain the smile on my face the rest of the afternoon.  I hadn't liked the number much before, but I LOVED it now.  I couldn't have been more excited to do our part, knowing in FULL faith that it was exactly what we were supposed to do.  I can't wait to see all the ways God is going to use it to change the course of our church's history and the future for my little family because of one step of obedience to Him!

PURSUIT of Happiness

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Mr. President, Congratulations.  You were not my choice, but I will honor your position of leadership in our country.  I'm able to rest in the knowledge that whatever YOUR beliefs may be, mine hold that you were placed there by God's design, and He's in the business of working things together for my good.

As a concerned citizen, I would like to remind you of a very key phrase in the above referenced Declaration of Independence.  First pointing out that it is a declaration of INDEPENDENCE.  No matter the vote cast, or the ideals behind it, I am of the opinion most Americans appreciate independence.  Last I checked we did not have a declaration of dependence.  I would also like to bring your attention to the word PURSUIT.  This is an action word.  Our country does not have the unalienable right to BE Happy, we have the right to pursue it.  Please encourage this.  The difference can be easily missed by some. 

As the President of the United States I would encourage you to hold to the directives that made our country great, to acknowledge the language used.  'That we are endowed by our creator', is not a meaningless phrase drafted in an irrelevant age of antiquity.  It is a powerful phrase that each of us have a unique gifting, that when encouraged will allow us to pursue happiness in community with others.

I would like to point out one other portion of text w/in the Declaration in the hopes you would take seriously your leadership position: "accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed."  It would be a shame if our country got 'accoustmed' to the rights you promote us to have.  Please provide the leadership this country needs to understand the concept of a budget, to take seriously its limitations, and to work towards balancing it.  You are a man.  You cannot create an economic plan that will ensure happiness for all, it is not possible this side of heaven.  However, I also concede that as the leader of our country, it is not your job to get others to understand the differences between Heaven and Earth.

Finally... All men being created equal, is not open to be interpreted as a need to equalize all men.  Please keep that portion of text, in context with the rest of the message.  Equality of men, would be dependent on the equality with which each man pursues his/her happiness.  When man begins to look to someone else, or something else for happiness, he is no longer taking responsibility for it. 

I take comfort in knowing that one man, no matter the position of power, in our country does NOT hold absolute power, and for that I'm thankful.