I'm Tired.

I remember when I thought waking up at 8am was some kind of cruel and unusual punishment that surely was infringing on an inalienable right I held, though I couldn't find any documentation to prove it. I looked. I maintained this for a good 25 years.

Oh, how I miss waking for the first time at 8:00am. May 11th will mark my 3 year anniversary of not using an alarm clock to wake up.... not once.

I'm tired.

This is merely a statement of fact. What I'm trying to avoid is letting it become my excuse. You see, I've found it easy to be kind, generous, loving, etc... when I'm getting what I want, and what I want is sleep... What I have, are two tiny blessings God seems intent on using to point out my weakness... fatigue!

I find it both amazing and tragic that He knows me this well. That He knows the EXACT button to push that highlights my own hypocrisy. I can hide it well in social settings, but isn't that the definition of hypocrisy: "an expression of agreement without conviction". Sure, I agree I should treat people with a certain amount of love and respect, serving their needs over my own... but that only applies as long as I'm not tired right?!? I mean, I have two tiny humans with a personal mission to wake me up daily between 5-6am... and still find time to call out to me at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning with a bad dream, a need for water, tissue, a lost paci, and upset tummy... or simply a cough, sneeze, or merely sleep talking that still gets me up and out of bed, just to make sure they are o.k.. Surely that gives me some sort of get out of jail free card for lashing out at those I love most, for neglecting my responsibilities so I can mope, and serve my own interest with a nap over taking care of the things I've got to get done. (Don't get me wrong, there will always be a time and place for naps :)!

For any that may have been thinking I was getting too big for my britches (note.. there is an 'r' in there ;), with all my recent blog activity... welcome to my reality. While I have definitely been learning a ton over the past 6 months, I still have a LOOOOOOOOONG way to go... The frustrating thing is, I KNOW where to turn, yet I'm still not able to pause long enough to reflect on that prior to lashing out.

So here I sit... in a very real... and very tired state. Trying to figure out how I'm supposed to be 'growing', when the only thing that floods my brain is the overwhelming need to close my eyes... If anyone out there has found the trick to overcoming fatigue gracefully, when from sun-up to sun down there is a constant stream of stimuli, I'd love to hear about it.

P.S. Yes, I know I could have taken a nap instead of writing this blog, but then ya'll wouldn't know what you do now, and wouldn't be able to help me figure it out...