The Author of Insane

I had to go 'back to work' yesterday.  Twelve weeks FLEW by.  You know that weird place where you don't feel entitled to your own feelings.  That simply by feeling them, you are betraying some unwritten rule.  That's how I felt.  When there are 30+ other women pregnant with you at the same time, and you watch 50%+ have to endure that excruciating day, where they leave their sweet lil babe behind for the first time and return to work, you come up short.

Then I read THIS.  It helped put into words a little of what I was feeling, and that much of the anxiety I was feeling, I was bringing on myself.  Two weeks ago, Kevin and I went on a double date into DC.  This was when I realized I really wanted "sporty" mom to rise to the surface so I could burn off/firm up the fluff AJ left behind.  With work impending, "corporate" mom also needed to find her place in the shuffle, and as I continue playing with what Home School looks like in our house, "teacher" mom is clamoring for her place at the table as well.  Then "cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, loving on kids, and nursing" mom couldn't be silenced either.... while "wife" nagged in the back of my head....and even on top of that was still "me".    What resulted was a mini-implosion.  One step forward, resulted in two steps back.  I was overwhelmed.   I shut down.  I don't think you would notice it from the outside, maybe you could, I thought I hid it well.  Rather than embracing that it's a LOT to wrap my brain around, I just started yelling at myself to get my act together, toe the line of thankfulness, and it just resulted in a whole lot of unproductivity.

I don't think its quite possible for guys to understand 'girl' brain.  Imagine a room, where sporty, corporate, teacher, and catch 'all mom are talking at the same time as wife, self, and friend.  Then toss in the enemy shouting lies over all that, and a 'quiet' voice trying to tell you which way to go.  Add to that any kids you have asking you questions at the same time, and an infant screaming to be fed, held, or played with, and hearing that 'quiet' voice becomes quite the challenge.  

A glimpse into the chaos that was my head:

How do I schedule my day?  We need groceries.  What am I going to cook?  How much work am I going to walk back into?  Man, my house is a MESS. This is hard.  No, you can't say this is hard, I'm supposed to speak life.  O.k....   I can do this. How?  How am I going to do this?  Stop it Julie, that is not faith, you're supposed to trust.  I do.... shut up self.   Seriously though, how am I supposed to work out, have a quiet time, work, clean, shop, cook, and school?  You're not.  Thanks God, I appreciate the grace there, but I am.  No.  Your not.  O.k.... which one don't I do?  You do them all.  God... your contradicting yourself, your not supposed to do that.  I wouldn't do that, if you didn't interrupt me.   Sorry.  You do them all, at different times, I'm working on discipline and obedience.   RIIIIIIGHT...... not my strong suits.   Alright, I hope you have a solid game plan for this God, cause I can't see past about 5 minutes in front of me.... speaking of which, writing this blog, can I do that?  Am I wasting time?   No, this is my gift to you.... words.... time to think and get it out of your head so you can move on.   Now move on.

O.k. God.... I think I got it.... but maybe you don't go to far away alright, cause this is a little insane.
Sweet daughter, you forget, I'm the author of insane, and I've never left your side.