The Lost and Found

Perspective is a fickle creature. If you are standing too close to something you can't see what it is, its blurry and muddled, and to be honest rather ugly. It can give you a headache if you look at it that way for too long. Perspective is FAR to easy to lose, especially for someone who has a hard time holding on to things I can actually SEE. Even when you do find it, you can't hold on to it for very long. No, it's elusive. The Holy Grail, maybe, right perspective.

I see life that way. Is there ANYONE closer to my life than me? Anyone with a more myopic view? No. So, I am in the worst possible position to make calls on my own life. I'm too close to it. From my perspective its muddled and sometimes ugly, and when I look at it too long, it can give me a headache.

I quit.... For today.... Tomorrow I'll probably tell you to butt out again, because by then I will have lost my perspective.... again... darn slippery little sucker!

Saturday night I couldn't fall asleep. I put myself to bed at 9pm, hoping for a good long night sleep, so I could be good/fun Mommy the next day. I was tired Saturday, and not as much fun as I wanted to be with the boys, so I gave myself a stern talking too (read: wallowed in Mommy guilt) and put myself to bed early, with resolve to do better the next day.

My brain had other plans. Going on 48 hours now removed from the 'episode', as I'm now lovingly calling it, I have better perspective. However in it, I was convinced I was going crazy, that I was losing my mind. I'm learning slowly this is something the 'Christian world' likes to call a "Spiritual Attack". (I like the single apostrophe quotes (I'm sure there is a real term for them, but I don't know it), I think of myself doing 'air quotes' with my fingers when I type them out.) I put them around 'Christian World', because its a strange term to me, one I don't know what to do with, so I call it out as someone else's term.... Anyway... I seem to be having these a lot lately, "Spritual Attacks", for those that got lost in my convoluted train of thought.

The Catholic world doesn't talk about this, or at least they never did to me. In that world (for me), a good healthy dose of guilt just meant you were doing it right, being a martyr for the cause was smiled upon, and doing it in the most visible way possible was even better. Image was everything. Joy, peace, contentment, those things were considered Heavenly. I took that literally. Like, sure enjoy a brief experience of it here and there to wet your appetite and keep you committed to public martyrdom, but don't expect to experience it for any length of sustained time here.

Yeah.... I might have had a teensy, tiny, little mis-understanding. You can understand the air quotes on 'Christian world' a bit better now. I'm gun shy of religious terms and religious people. I posted a Blog awhile back called "Love Wins", after I read Rob Bells book. I said I liked it. I still do. In his book he asked a TON of questions, I'm not sure he directly answered even one.... I think that's why I liked it. I have a TON of questions, and answers for none. When you find people that think like you, and I consider writing, to be thoughts out loud, it makes you feel a little less crazy. I don't like feeling crazy. I also liked the book, because I'm in the camp that thinks its that simple. Love Wins. I'm not saying its easy, but when that's all you have, you win. I think of it in the "Big Daddy" (movie quote) context. "I love you, and you, and you, and you (x 6.2 billion world pop).... I win!".

I'm learning so much, and growing so much, that I keep taking steps of faith... some may call it religion, but I'll stick with faith. I keep coming back to church every Sunday, because it's encouraging there, this talk of "On Earth as it is in Heaven"... who wouldn't want that?

It's like going to the Lost and Found for me every week... You know, when you misplace something and you go back to the last place you had it, and ask if you can look in their Lost and Found? That's church for me... and Momastery.com, but she talks about churchy stuff using my kind of non-commital language. I go in with my ugly/muddled view on life, the one that's giving me a headache, and making me want to self-medicate, and walk out with the better perspective I had misplaced. They remind me, that if I would stop focusing SO intently on my own life for a sec and look around, my headache will go away, and I'll see the bigger picture.... and as corny as it sounds, the bigger picture really is a LOT more beautiful, than the muddled myopic one!

Dance Class

I'm starting another journey today. This one isn't a Fast. Thank God... I'm fasting, fasting, for awhile I think. Two fasts, 2 months apart, filled my fasting tank. I will now indulge in chocolate and cheese happily... or at least until my pants get tight.

No, today marks the beginning of the Spring Semester for Metro groups. I'm signed up for two weekly classes, the Freedom Growth Track class as a member, and I'm also leading the Breaking Free: Beth Moore study. Did anyone else pick up on my trend? For the next 3 months I'm considering myself on the fast track to Freedom. Freedom from insecurities, fears, a rather obnoxious thought life, you name it, I want Freedom from it. I don't know what this means. I have no real expectations for the ride, but I am excited and anxious for it in equal parts.

While I don't have any expectations, I do have my own selfish desires for it. For one, I'd like some freedom in my ability to show emotion in public. Currently I see myself as having an allergy to public displays of emotion, namely my own displays. I'm hopeful, over the course of these 12 weeks, that my 'reaction' to either the thought of display, or God forbid the actual display of an emotion, no longer sends me into anaphylactic shock, requiring eppie pins to bring me out of it. It's not pretty people.

Don't presume to know what I mean by 'public' either. I think there is a 'range' of criers... there's me... a 'rock', no tears, no display of emotion, some may wonder if I even feel. Yes, I am not bionic, I do feel, I just don't want you to know it! Then there are those, in a stadium of thousands, that are heaving, snot flying, sobbing over a message that has 'reached' them.

I would be satisfied if I could cry comfortably in front of Kevin, and not just because I am SO happy that "The Notebook" ended the way it did, again, or maybe a handful of close friends.

But more importantly, and God, need you to be paying attention here, I would like to meet you.

Not in the literal sense, please, I'm not done yet down here... just saying.

You know I'm not a fan of the 'relationship dance'. I appreciated your acceptance of that fact when you brought Kev and I together. That man and I can dance! We have fun, we don't 'mess' with each other to see how closely the other is paying attention, we say what we mean, and we mean what we say. Thank you for him!

As for you and I, I'm having a hard time figuring out this dance. I don't feel like I know the steps, and I know you wanna take the lead, but seriously... I'm not the best dancer, I don't know how to follow. You know the dances I like... the fast, up beat ones I can dance all day long to on my own. These SLOW songs, I don't know any elaborate steps, I think I keep stepping on your toes, and its awkward. I want to dance beautifully with you, hand n' hand, let you twirl me around the dance floor... THAT sounds absolutely delightful, but THIS.... These jerky movements, these tentative steps, and this feeling I have that I'm being televised on Dancing With the Stars, where all the other contestants around me are swirling and twirling beautifully... well to be honest it makes me want to quit.

We've got 12 weeks of 'Dance Classes' God.... I'm not throwing out an ultimatum, that I quit if I'm not the best dancer out there when this is said and done, but can you at least show me the steps? Can you COME to the classes and teach me how to dance, how to follow, so that it looks like its supposed to... that people can tell we're actually dancing, rather than hurting each other constantly on the dance floor? Can you make me feel like I belong here, on this dance floor with you, not like a poser on the brink of discovery? Can you make me believe that you like dancing with me, even when I step on your toes, that you aren't horribly frustrated with me and waiting to point out my every mis-step, that you don't want to dump me for a better dance partner, one that can pick up the steps faster, and keeps up? Would you make me joyful and proud (in the good way) to dance around the room with you, in front of all the judges, televised and all?

And God, when I trip and fall, because we know that will happen... it is me we're talking about. Catch me. Make it look like a new move, one we planned, so that we don't miss a step, the judges don't notice, and the crowds applaud your masterful skill.

Can you do this for me God? Please? Thank you.

Insufficient Funds

I had epiphany today. I like days like that, they make me feel smart. Using big words like epiphany make me feel smart too.

I've been struggling for a few months, strike that, my whole life with my thought life, I've just become more aware of it in the past few months. I've always heard 'we're our own worst critic', so I just assumed it was a natural part of life to think I suck at many things, and didn't put much more thought into it.

Until recently.

You see this morning I read a friends blog, that encouraged me again that I'm not the only one that has renegade thoughts. She likened her's to a roach infestation in her head, where it became a fight figuring out which roach she was gonna chase after and squash because there were so many to choose from. However, she's gaining ground in her fight, and has said the infestation has been downgraded to a pesky mouse that pokes his head out from time to time.

I've been hearing it from many sides recently about the importance of taking our thoughts captive (2 Corinth 10:5). My argument has always been: "How in the heck am I supposed to do that when my THOUGHTS are taking ME captive?!?"

An example.

I let Kevin sleep in this morning. 99% of the time he let's me sleep in, one of the top 5 reasons I will love this man with all my heart until the day I die! As we both sat down to work (on our bed, because that is also our desk as our children and Stephanie hang out), this conversation occurred.

"Aren't ya' glad you got to sleep in?" (We've already covered the fact I'm a pride mongrel scouring the world over for people to tell me I'm wonderful, so let's not get stuck on this point here)

"Yeah it was great thanks Babe" (he feeds my addiction well, also in the top 5)

"Its a good thing your a morning person, I'm exhausted" (boys up at 5:00a, I fell asleep at 1a, went to bed at 11p, but me and sleep only seem to get along at inopportune times.)

"I'm not a morning person"

"Yes, you tell everyone all the time, that you couldn't sleep past 6 if you tried".

"I only tell people that, so you don't look so bad"

Ouch.... and queue the roaches.

From that one comment I managed to believe that Kevin actually hates me, and thinks I'm the most selfish person in the world, whom through some ugly twist of fate he is tied to for the rest of his life. Mind you during this entire roach infestation Kevin had gone downstairs to grab himself breakfast, and returned to a sullen wife, that in true 5 year old fashion made the comment "I'm sorry you hate me". When I explained to my perplexed husband what had occurred in the five minutes since he'd been gone, he laughed (as he usually does when my breaks from reality occur), and assured me he didn't actually mean that, he truly doesn't mind getting up in the morning, and then we had to have a discussion on how many mornings a week that actually means. (Because I'm still concerned I'm coming off as a total wretch here, we're mostly talking about Tues/Thur/Sat that I get to sleep in till 7:30-8, because all other days I'm up for him to leave for work early or church on Sunday).

This example can happen multiple times throughout a day, with almost anybody I come in contact with, and most times I don't even need to be interacting with anyone else... Quite often the roaches just release themselves and take my brain captive!

So my epiphany was this, as I read over my friends blog and commented on her post this morning. More often than not, my thoughts do still take ME captive, and I've determined they are holding me for ransom. The ransom: encouraging, uplifting, positive thoughts, and the ones most effective for immediate extermination of all roaches, are words directly from God's Word. You see, my epiphany helped me realize, therein lies my problem. When I go to make a withdrawal from the positive/life giving word bank, I tend to get the response "Insufficient Funds". I, like many, often times find the bible rather confusing. I also get quite discouraged when every other page has a lineage, or location, or whatever that I can't pronounce. Being confused and feeling dumb do not help the roach issue.

I'm hopeful though, cause this semester is gonna be a breakthrough semester! I'm leading "Breaking Free" at our church, which is a bible study centered around gaining freedom from the captivity of our own thoughts. Don't worry, I have friends on STAFF at the church, that read this, and I've already tried convincing them that their faith in my leading is horribly miss-placed. I'm thankful for them, however, that they are good at the positive/life giving words, because their deposits in my word bank have filled a ransom note or two in the past, and slowly but surely are helping me get to a point of making deposits of my own.

So that's my epiphany, work on making my OWN deposits, so I can stand on my own two feet, and not depend on the deposits of others to bail me out, cause I HATE the "Insufficient Funds" notice! And maybe try to use epiphany 4 or 5 more times a day, just to up the smart quotient for the day... or I could just keep saying quotient :)

Introducing Samuel!!!

Did you know I've got this hankering toward adoption? Not right now of course, my hands are rather full with the two I've got. Not to mention my attempts at making a third of our own, in the hopes of seeing what a baby girl Alspaugh might look like.

I couldn't shake it though, that I was supposed to be doing something more now. Tie that with my desire for 2012 that I noted earlier to get the boys involved in something bigger than themselves, that we could do as a family. Last year I attempted volunteering with the boys at a retirement facility. I figured elderly people always seemed to fawn all over little ones, so an hour or so of 'play time' with them per week, would give them something to look forward to, and us something to do. It worked out great for awhile. I'd say almost 80% LOVED having us there, and their eyes lit up when we walked in. The other 20%.... not so much. They fell into the grumpy old men (women) category, and were quite verbose in their overall dislike of the disruption we caused. I was torn. The fun ones were a delight, and greatly out numbered the sour patch kids, however, in the end I didn't like thinking I was coming in and taking over their home, with something they didn't want, even if it was the minority, so we stopped going.

I've come up with a solution! My goal was to open the boys eyes to other aspects of life, whether it be elderly, infirm, hungry, homeless, etc.... What I've come up with captures that, as well as providing an awesome avenue to introduce them to the geographies of the world, and issues that pertain to those regions as well!

With that I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Alspaugh Family: Samuel Mensah!!!

• Samuel Mensah
• Birthday: May 11, 2008
• Gender: Male
• Location: Ghana (Africa)

I found Samuel while searching the Compassion International website, and I knew it was perfect that he and Caleb SHARE the same birthday!!! How cool is that!?!

I love that God combined all the desires of my heart in this one little boy! We can support him during a season where we can do little else than provide monetary support, but in doing that small thing, it opens up and entire spectrum of teaching for Caleb! My goal as they both get older is to turn them into each others pen pals, allowing them both to grow in their understanding of each other and the world around them. If all goes well, when Logan gets a little older I'll be able to find a match for him as well (seems the youngest children requiring sponsorship start a 3), and we can open up another area of the world to learn about!

There were SO many beautiful faces out there looking for sponsorship, if you have the resources and desire to make a very big world just a little smaller for your kids to understand, I would totally recommend going this route!

The Great Prayer Conundrum

I need prayer.... to remember all the things I'm supposed to pray about. How's that for a Christian conundrum!

I've got friends looking for husbands, friends wanting to conceive, friends with sick moms, kids, siblings, dads, grandparents, pets, etc.... My church is looking for a new location, we're trying to solidify our spring semester of groups launching, we NEED more volunteers to support the services we've already got.... I'm wanting more of the Holy Spirit, more direction, more energy, more creativity, direction in my career... I've got friends becoming missionaries, friends launching books, friends planning 5K's to support charities, all looking for prayer filled support.... Then of course we've got the problems of human trafficking, homelessness, hunger, a broken political system, and someone should seriously be praying for the pigmies down in New Guinea while we're at it because I hear they're having a hard time of it as well?!?

I'm highly tempted to get them all on what I've heard mentioned as a prayer list, and then just simplify my approach "Dear God, I pray for every item on my prayer list, Amen"... because outside of the ones I'm aware of, I get about 4 gillion more each day... a brief overview to highlight:

God, please let Caleb sleep until 6am....

Crap, Logan's up.... God, please let Logan not wake Caleb up yet and go back to sleep himself...

No such luck.... God, please give me patience this morning, and a healthy dose of energy would be good.

Breakfast.

God, Thank you for letting there be enough milk this morning, please help keep Logan from dumping it all over himself.... Doh!

God, please let Stephanie get here soon, and help the boys be on their best behavior today so she likes us and wants to keep coming back.

Working.

God what am I doing at this job, do you want me here, should I be staying home with the boys, could I handle just me and the boys, is my resistance from you or me?

God help me to be a great parent, I want to raise Godly men.... how does one do that?

God, please don't let the fact that I just yelled at them for not listening for the millionth time scar them forever.

God please show me how to get my children to listen to me.

God can you help me figure this meal planning thing out, so I don't have to ask you what's for dinner EVERY night, rather once a week, or better yet, once every other.

God, thank you for my husband, he is an amazing man and I LOVE that he's the type of man that rushes home after work to be with his family!

God, if its not too much to ask, after ALL I've already asked today, could you give me enough energy to... ya' know... Kevin would really appreciate it....

Does the list get a weekly rotation? Is it supposed to be daily? Is it just when we think about it? Am I putting too much thought into it?

God, can you help me figure out this prayer thing, and how to fit everything in?

In a Pickle

Mmmmm... pickle... that sounds good..... mmmm.... Right, back to the Blog.

I've found myself in a bit of a pickle, you see I'm a friendly person, and according to Kevin I'm also hopelessly naive, this combination can land me in rather uncomfortable situations.

My most recent situation, a middle aged 'body builder' at the gym who is also very friendly. Up until Friday of last week, I was able to avoid all contact and just return his smile... in my mind I thought it was rude if someone smiled at you, not to return the smile... and let's be honest I smile at almost everyone anyway. Friday, as I'm heading to the locker rooms, he decided he wanted to talk to me. Keep in mind, I've accepted my role as a married woman to give me the freedom to go to the gym looking one tiny step away from absolutely atrocious... I'm there to work out and sweat, not win a man or a beauty award, so it already boggled my mind completely what the draw could be.

It started off something like this:

BB = Body Builder: "You've been coming for a couple weeks now right?"

Me "Yes, MY HUSBAND got us a membership just before the New Year."

BB: "You should stay a little longer, we could do a couple reps together"
Me "I have to get my TWO KIDS out of the kid zone upstairs, they are 1 and 3, and would probably like to get some lunch."
BB: "Well maybe next time your here, I used to be a personal trainer I could offer you a couple pointers, no charge"

Me "My husband set me up with a pretty good routine, and I usually stick with the 5 pounders, you'd have better luck with someone else".

By this point I was absolutely SHOCKED my not so subtle candor had not sent the appropriate message, and Mr. BB packing, but he continued to persist.... at one point almost making me laugh out loud when he asked if I knew how to swim (there is a pool at the gym, but if there was even the slightest insinuation that I teach him how, I'd prolly let him drown... or come close... at this point). It had me thinking that those cultures that prohibit eye contact between guys/girls might be on to something. I was finally able to negotiate an exit, and hoped that would be it, but on my way out of the gym today he was still super smiley friendly.

So rather than adding to my already mountainous list of reasons NOT to go to the gym, I'm thinking my next interaction will involve my dreaded confrontational moment... ugh! My round about "No's" did not work, so I'm thinking the direct, "I appreciate your friendly disposition, but my husband and I respect each other by agreeing not to engage in outside relationships with the opposing gender. If you are still looking for a work-out partner I can introduce you when he's around." Sound good? Not rude? I hate being rude, but I suppose there are times when if directness comes off as rude, than so be it.

If my direct doesn't work, we may have to introduce him to Kevin sooner rather than later... he does direct REAL well ;)

Day 4

I just spent an hour+ putting Caleb back to bed 5 times, with tears and fits and all, and usually after such an ordeal I reward my patience with a glass of milk and handful (or 4) of chocolate chips.

I hear him screaming for the 5th time upstairs right now... my blood is all but boiling... my patience is zilch. He started in my bed as a privilege (we move him out when we get up there), he lost that on his first out of bed attempt, second the bathroom light got shut off, third I closed his bedroom door all the way, fourth he lost his nightlight, now I'm on to spankings, and STILL he calls for me. What is he calling for, usually its to tell me something I DO NOT need to know, like his book fell off a shelf, or his pillow fell on the floor, or wondering for the 8th time when daddy will be home. Each time, I tell him he needs to be in bed, and if he asks one more question he will get a spanking and then I ask him, do you really want to ask your question, knowing you will get a spanking, and he says YES?!? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT?!? ARGH!!!

I want chocolate. Bad.

Actually, I want just about anything pretty bad. This is harder than I thought it would be. I know this shouldn't have come as a surprise, drinking lemon water for 21 days is not something I thought would be easy. However, at day 4, with the vast majority of the fast still out before us and my brain consumed by the thought of food, I think its time to make an amendment toward the greater good. I'm not throwing in the towel on the fast by any stretch, but given I still have to feed the boys and Kevin dinner, and he's doing the Daniel fast, I'm sticking with a water fast for every breakfast/lunch, and then will join my family for a Daniel fast friendly dinner and just monitor my portion control so I don't compensate for my lost meals. I was torn between that, and going the route I'd originally planned with staying on liquids and just going for smoothies and juices. Honestly, I think I'll be healthier overall with the Daniel fast, as I would lean toward the 'good' tasting juices/smoothies which are loaded with sugars, where as sticking to the Daniel Fast I can keep it raw and veggies... and I get to CHEW!!!

Now I can focus my brain better on the goal of the fast; praying for some fabulous men and some divine appointments with a couple rather fantastic women!

Balance. I may or may not have mentioned this before, but its my goal to find this in as many areas as my life as possible during 2012.

My brain tends to operate in the extreme, all or nothing, hypothetical's, as evidence by thinking I was somehow prepared to do a water fast?!? I think it's borne out of our society's portrayal of what a Christian is supposed to be. Perfect. It's why the church is lambasted at every turn, because we're not. I tried America's portrait of the good life, graduated college, married the love of my life, was climbing the corporate ladder at a Fortune 500 company, made beautiful babies, and while that's AWESOME, my soul still wants more. So now I'm giving my all to figuring out how to integrate a Christian life into our subverted culture. I'm trying to check off nice and tidy boxes, but there aren't any to be checked off, and trying to be perfect is impossibly frustrating.

Balance... Sometime this year, I will find you :)