Remember Miracles

I could not fall asleep last night.  So I should be more tired now, and napping with the rest of my men, but I'm still wired.  I can no longer blame it on that stinkin cup of coffee I had at 2pm yesterday, which in all actuality I loved and would drink again because it was filled with all sorts of pumpkiny spice goodness! 

No, its not the coffee, its what awoke inside last night after writing about simple miracles that I had taken for granted for to long.  

The moment I hit publish on that blog a torrent of other miracles, that I'd either accepted as luck or saw as a result of my own doing, came flooding back into my memory.  I was dumb struck at how every single area of my life has been touched, in one way or another, by the miraculous.... and then an idea hit me.  

I've always had too many words.  JUST. TO. MANY.  I never knew what to do with them all, so I started a blog about 4 years ago as an outlet for some of them.  I thought about doing the 30 days of Thankfulness last November, and new that for all the words of thanks I wanted to post that Facebook might actually kick me off or something.  So, I turned to my blog as an outlet of unrestricted character limits, not wanting to annoy the masses with a lengthy post after post for 30 days.  Well, I skipped the 30 days of Thankfulness again this year for the same reason, but last night God gave me a new little 'tradition' to start, as we enter the season of miracles.  (People, if you join me in this... for the LOVE.... make it a 'note' or start a blog or something, cause I don't want to read a freaking mile long hash-tagged up wall post either mmmm kay.)

I'd like to be creative and come up with some fun seasonal slant to it, like The Twelve Days of.... and then have 12 perfectly crafted things to write about, but in all seriousness I have words, not craftiness, so I'm not gonna freak myself out with some pre-determined quota.  What I AM gonna do is my little part to remind myself and anyone that chooses to read them WHY we celebrate this season.  I will write about as many of the miracle stories that have happened in my own life, as God reminds me of them.  I will remember the miracle that IS Jesus, that this season is about Him and Him alone, and that He is the author and perfecter of my faith.  Please don't read too much into this, and think I'm swearing off presents, and condemning anyone that shops or all things Santa, I love the magic of this season just like everyone else... this is just a fun way for me to keep first things first.  Also, you should know that EVERY SINGLE TIME that I have promised to write daily, I have failed.  I will write them when I write them.  Maybe there will be 3 in a day, maybe I'll remember writing this on Dec. 26th (not likely) and write them all then, or maybe they'll just come out on the days they are supposed to. 

If you're feeling inspired, spend a moment and think about the miracles that have occurred in your own life.  They are there, simply by the fact I believe we're each a miracle in that God created us.  Corny, sure, but I don't care.  Look for them, give credit where credit is due, and marvel at the fact that God cares enough about your life to give you your very own miracles too!  If you don't have a blog, or don't feel like sharing them in a wide venue, feel free to put them in the comments below, just share them with someone because that is what this season is really about, marveling at God's greatest miracles!  

"For unto us a Child is born, a Son is given; and the government will rest on His shoulder.  And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isa 9:6

Entertaining Angels

In nearly 10 years of marriage, Kevin and I have had another adult living with us for a total of 5 years.  Three different amazing ladies, whom started as relative strangers prior to their extended stays.  I usually catch some strange looks, and often get the question 'how does THAT work' from individuals as it comes up in conversation.  The simple answer, it just does.  However, I know the answer is far more complicated than I will likely EVER understand.  It is being woven together outside of my understanding of time and reason by a God who does immeasurably more than I could ever ask, think, or imagine!

Hebrews 13:2 (msg) says "Be ready with a meal or a bed when it's needed.  Why, some have extended hospitality to angels without even knowing it."  I consider myself lucky, having the opportunity to KNOW that it is, and has been, angels that have occupied my home.

Renee was the first angel we got to entertain for a season.  She moved in after a particularly rough year for Kevin and I, shortly after we had found out we were pregnant with Cub.  The 'original' plan, was for her to stay until the baby was born, about 7 months at the time, and then move out.  She stayed with us until JUST a few days before we moved to Virginia, two and a half years later.  It broke all of our hearts to have to separate.  She was and always will be Aunt NeNe, as she was an ever present light in our life for those first two years of Cub's life, and did more for Kevin and I than she could every possibly know.  

Cub & Aunt NeNe on her Birthday, a couple months before the move in August 2010.

The next series of events, is actually what triggered this blog post in the first place.  I was explaining them all to a girlfriend today, and after she heard them, she exclaimed "You are writing ALL of this down so the boys can see the miracles God has done for you, RIGHT?!?"  Having not done so to-date, I figured I better get right on that!

God's hand was ALL over our move to Alexandria, so much so that I can't even put it all in here cause it would make what's likely already going to be long.... ridiculously long, so we'll stick with the angels.

When moving up here, our plan was for me to be a stay-at-home mom.  God laughed and said, 'your funny, how bout you keep your job so those sweet little boys I gave you can keep their lives, cause y'all will straight up kill each other on your own'.  Well played God.... Smart. (also, that is how God talks to me sometimes.... true story). 

After a tumultuous first year of going through 4 providers in one year, I was EXHAUSTED.  Any mom knows, it is heart wrenching trying to find qualified care to trust your babies with, and I was SERIOUSLY questioning if I was supposed to be doing this?  Why was it THIS hard?!?  I thought I had mixed my signals or something.  I had viewed the fact that my job let me move across the country and work remote as a miracle, and thought I was supposed to keep it because of that.... but this had me seriously questioning things....  THEN, in August of 2011, we met Stephanie our second angel.

 Cub and Ms. Stephanie on his 4th Birthday

Stephanie, had just married Mike, the new youth director at our church, and DC was her first major move away from family in Alabama.  We became fast friends.  Well, I fast friend-ed her, maybe stalked her slightly... She was more shy (everyone is more shy in comparison to me) so maybe she friend-ed me a little slower.  She was a GOD SEND.  She loved the boys.  They loved her.  I got to have one of  my best friends come over and hang out all day every day.  She was there day in and day out of the second hardest year of Kevin and I's marriage, through a roller-coster of emotions, including two miscarriages.  

However, it was our first miscarriage that paved the way for our third angel to enter our lives.  We had moved into a slightly bigger place, that September, to make room for baby, only to discover they could not find a heartbeat at my 12wk sonogram.  That same week interns were moving to DC from all over the country to work at our church, and they needed host homes to live in.  Knowing the program was 9 months long, and it would take me at least that long to need the room again, we opened up our home to what became our next angel, Melanie.  God had a serious purpose for this one though, and we barely saw her, she was at church 24/7..... The program was CALLED 24/7.... I kid you not.

Melanie & Cub just hangin out during her minimal free time.

(I know you're thinking it, but don't say a thing...  The fact Cub is in every pic is not lost on me either.  Mental note firmly written force Logan in more pics and now AJ too!)

Moving on.... things started to get REALLY cray cray.....

On a Sunday after church, Rosah approached me.  At this point, we only knew each other in passing.  Out of the blue, she said she felt God was calling her to help me with my boys in some way and if I ever needed anything to let her know.  I politely thanked her, and let her know we had Stephanie, but would keep her in mind.  Two days later, on one of my crappiest days in recorded history, at 8:00am with tears in her eyes Stephanie showed up to watch the boys and let me know that 10 days from that moment, she and Mike would be moving to Colorado.  Commence massive cry fest.  Seven hours later, at my 12wk sonogram for our second baby bean, they could not locate the heartbeat and we were informed this pregnancy would not progress either.  Numb..... except for a still quiet voice that said 'Rosah'.  Hope.  I called Rosah immediately, and she was available to start the day Mike and Stephanie were moving.  Incredible.

It was August 2012 when Rosah, my 4th angel, came to our rescue.  Rosah lived with Kwanale, another fabulous woman from our church.  The boys quickly fall in love with Rosah, and she them, and I pick up some of my emotional wreckage in the wake of losing one of my best friends out here and lil baby bean on the same day.  

However, as the holidays approached, my newest angel was discovered.  Yes, I realize God doesn't misplace His angels, and so the concept of then having to 'discover' one, does not compute.... but I was a lil perturbed that despite Him telling me in Job 1:21 "The Lord gives, and The Lord takes away", that He was in fact doing just that.  I was havin myself a good 'ol Job moment!  (o.k. exaggerating just a tad there, but close ;))  In all honesty I was excited for Rosah as she was invited to work on staff at the Church, the perfect place for her!

 Rosah, Center stage, leading us in Worship.  Girlfriend's got some serious pipes. 

Things are about to move real fast from this point, I hope you can keep up, cause the end result is nothing short of miraculous!  Key pieces in play as we approach the 2012 holiday season.  Melanie is still occupying our 3rd bedroom.  Rosah who lived with Kwanale has moved out, and now lives with my friend Terri.  Rosah is going on staff at church on Jan. 7th, and will no longer be able to watch the boys.

We interrupt the previously scheduled programming to take a little field trip into the life of a women TOTALLY unbeknownst to us at this time,  Hannah.   Hannah experiences a little Christmas miracle of her own, in the small sleepy town of Pentwater, Michigan.  I should point out, dear reader, this sleepy little town is only a 30min drive from where I spent most of my summers growing up.  God's just funny like that I guess.  What was this Christmas miracle???  A sparkly engagement ring from the love of her life, Tim, who happens to be a Marine stationed in, you guessed it, Washington D.C..   Hannah can't imagine spending the next two years of their long engagement apart from her main man, and sets her sights on finding something a little closer.  She hits up the Internet, and WHAT DOES SHE FIND?!?!  Kwanale's listing for a room available to rent since Rosah had recently moved out.  Hannah jumps at the chance, packs her bags, and moves across the country to start the New Year that much closer to her new Fiance, unsure of what that future might hold for her.

Hannah's first Sunday in Alexandria, January 6th , Kwanale invites her to attend church with her at DC Metro.  Knowing that Hannah is looking for a job, and that Rosah had just left an opening in our home, Kwanale approached me after service and introduced us.  I invited Hannah over for lunch the next day to see if we'd be a 'good fit'.  She stayed the whole afternoon.

Melanie returned from her Christmas break, back home in Minnesota, with news that she had decided to leave the 24/7 program a couple months early, and would be moving back to Minnesota at the end of the month.  A week later, we learned that Kwanale's work Visa was expiring and she would be moving back to South Africa at the end of the month as well..... leaving me with an open room and Hannah with no place to live.  I. MEAN. REALLY?!?

Sooooooooooo........ Hannah moved in, JUST as I passed the 12wk mark with a healthy heartbeat on our NEWEST little bean.  This past year, has been INCREDIBLE.  Well obviously, as this post indicates, the past FEW years have been incredible.  Hannah continues to bless our family beyond measure in every way imaginable, I DO NOT deserve her, but will happily house her forever if she'd let me.  (We've seriously offered to start looking for a place with a sound proof honeymoon suite for when they get married)... you know me... you know I'm not kidding.  

Hannah and the boys before the Marine Corps Ball 

(Finally one WITH Logan and I even had more than one to pic from, apparently Logan just had to get happier in front of the camera, and I'm not a horrible mother for leaving him out.)

I'd like to say writing this will ensure I never question God still.... but I know me, and how easy it is for me to lose sight of the forest for the trees.  Case in point, the fact I  didn't even think to write this post until a year+ after many of the events transpired, and then at the behest of an exasperated friend that is like DO THIS... DO THIS NOW!   It really is awe inspiring, and ridiculously humbling.  You guys know me, I don't deserve this level of detailed care from God who just so happens to be commanding the Universe at the same time.  But, I'd be an idiot not to say Thank you and enjoy it for however long I get to hold these precious gifts and angels in my life, and am thankful for how much richer each one has made my life, my family, and our home!  LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

Clearly not Clear

Whenever I start thinking about faith, it takes my lotto brain syndrome and puts it on overdrive.  Seriously spastic, so many thoughts at once.  I read THIS article, about stupid church cliches, with my morning coffee and giggled but kept saying YES, exactly!  Everyone of this author's 5 noted annoyances, were spot on.  "Loved on" is TOTALLY creepy, and nailing down things the Bible CLEARLY states is not my strong suit.

I mean it took me close to 30 years, and some days the voices in my head still wonder, which side of the coin I fall on... Heaven or Hell.  Friends don't freak out, we are much closer to 99% of the time being certain of that answer.  Quoting the Bible, and understanding it clearly, are too TOTALLY different things.

I think we all agree Jesus, His life, His work, His birth, death... so on and so forth.... are ALL amazing, super natural, and its why we all keep at trying to figure this thing called our life out.   However, I don't think any of us would hold Jesus in as high of a regard if throughout the Bible, while teaching everyone, we read over and over again "Well MY Dad said this.....".   Not like He couldn't have done that, it still would have been right, but hello arrogance.... prolly why He kept teaching humility.   

I like the "It is written...." statements, they're more my kind of flow.  I tend to bristle at, "It is written in this book, on this page, in this verse", I get that there is a time/place for it, some people honestly don't know that what you just said was in the Bible.  They think you're some kind of wise sage or something, and pointing them back to the source is key, but how do you toe that line carefully?   

As the author of the article noted, we respond better to the humble Pastor, "This is where study and prayer have led me, but I could be wrong", and yet we also CRAVE leaders.  We are constantly looking for people to lead us confidently, that will stand up and say, THIS way.  Then we get mad at them when they do, because how dare they.  It really is a no win situation.  

One of the biggest tenants of the Christian faith is that when we accept Jesus as our savior He takes up residence within us.  To me, this makes for a rather problematic situation, talk about too many cooks in the kitchen.  Great, now we got Jesus in us, but mine says I should be going this way, and your's says I should be going that way, and like 95%+ of our world population has serious trust issues anyway, soooooo.......  Yeah.

Thankfully actions speak louder than words, and God told us not to assess by the words someone says, but by their actions..... Then He also said we're all gonna screw up and fall short, which is why we needed Jesus in the first place.    Riiiiiiight..... Then the whole grace and forgiveness thing get's practiced, but lands us back in the trust issues.  See.  Spastic brain.  

I really like the actions based Gospel though... we are supposed to be doing, not just talking.  If I'm being honest, I liked it a little more before I became a mom.  The idea of great adventures, doing huge things like fostering, adopting, building safe houses, providing basic needs to those living without. Healing. Freeing.  Saving.... Staying totally honest, being a mom feels a little selfish to me at times.  I know its a totally oxymoronic statement, cause mom's by their very nature get to do very little for themselves while taking care of the needs of their family.  However this is what I wanted.  I wanted the family, so taking care of their needs is just part of it, and since it literally consumes ALL of my time, I feel selfish.  Don't worry, (or do) because the sheer number of voices in my head remind me I'm not being selfish, raising kids IS an adventure, and it is a HUGE thing. (I go back and forth between accepting the voices in my head, and worrying that I'm one voice away from a straight jacket).  However, I still get panicky because God's wired me in a way that I feel called to both be with and raise my kids AND still do those big things, so then I'm all on edge asking "when".... now, should I be doing that now, with them, am I missing it???  He'll calm me down for a bit, with reminders that my life is a journey not a race, and there will be time when kids are not this young and demanding (I've taken to calling this my sheep season), until I get spun up again next week and He has to convince me all over again :) 

So thankful that writing can take the spaz out of my brain and get it out on 'paper' so I can return to being a normally functioning adult..... I just feel bad for any of you reading it, cause I'm never entirely convinced you can follow my train of thought :)

Lotto Ball Brain

A very random blog post, because that is where my brain exists these days in a state of perpetual chaos.

Last week I left my house for a total of three hours.  Three.  No one was sick, there was no reason, other than the simple fact, that I never left.  Everyone else managed to get out everyday.  Kevin went to work, the boys went to parks, museums, adventures around the neighborhood with Hannah, I simply forgot to prioritize leaving. Who knew that was actually something that needed to be done.
 
Before baby and home school, my slow times at work meant I could volunteer at the church, grab coffee in the morning, or lunch in the afternoon with some girl friends.  Now, I'm either nursing lil' man, or working through school stuff with Cub.  My brain has turned into a lottery machine, out of thousands of combinations of things that could be done in a day, we never know what the winning combination is going to be.

Logan serenaded us with the following alphabet song this weekend: "ABC3EFGHIKJ"ELMO"PQXTY&Z, now my know my ABC's next time won't you sing with me", I thought maybe I'd work him into some of the lesson rotations so we could work out the kinks and get the alphabet down.  
I almost stabbed myself in the eye with a pencil today.  I knew subconsciously he would be a different kind of beast when it came to teaching, but after a half hour, and going from trying to do the ABC's through to the end, to just trying to do A, B, and C.... and STILL failing.  Riddle me this batman.... When you hold up a flash card and say "This is A, what is this?".... am I the only one that thinks hearing "A" repeated back makes sense?  Not, Logan.... he's my 'creative' child.... the sky is not blue with him, and crocodiles swim in the ocean waiting to flick you in the eye.  No, when I say "This is A, what is this?" to him, I get the following varying responses, "B", "H", "8", "O", and "I don't know tell me again mama".  A half hour was all the torture I could handle.  I started looking into theater classes for him after bed tonight.  Is three and a half to early to decide college might be a lofty goal?  I'll let you know in a year, when I decide to try the alphabet again.

I hate hashtags.  Seriously hate them, to such an irrational degree, that I've started linking the overall crisis that appears to be our nation to the development of hashtags.  Its really not that far of a leap if you think about it.  What once served a purpose to categorize statements within a 'cloud' of information, has been wholly corrupted to now draft entire paragraphs of garbled boldface run-on word sentences.  People that once had fully intelligible conversations, have been reduced to a literal punchline.  What's worse, its so pandemic that your brain can now automatically conjure the perfect hashtag for just about any instance.  The perfect example, when I finally did make it out of my house on Saturday, and realized for the first time I hadn't left but for 3 hours on Tuesday, my brain said "#momslife"......   Depressing.  Its contagious.  No matter the level of hatred, you read enough of them and you start thinking in Hashtag sentences.  My line in the sand is drawn though, I may not be able to control my brain, but outside of that example above, I can control my fingers and will not let them near that ridiculous sign.  The only caveat to that is if I finally get cool enough to use them for their intended purpose and categorize my blogs to different topics.  Using things for their intended purpose is o.k., telling me about your entire life in the boldface, run-on word/sentence, is not.

Kevin and I enjoyed a mini get-away to the Shenandoah wineries with some friends last weekend.  It was GORGEOUS.  Perfect fall colors.  We stopped in Sperryville first, and wandered through this antique shop while we waited for our friends to join us and I discovered a piece of heaven on earth.  The most beautiful, perfectly antiqued/distressed door, that has ever existed.  Yes, I know the picture door has been done.  My older sister likely invented it and its ALL over the boards of Pinterest, but imitation is the highest form of flattery they say, and as noted above there is simply NO room in my brain to try and develop creative ideas on my own.  So, thank-you to all you innovators that have gone before me, cause this beauty now absolutely COMPLETES my living room (well not really, seeing as how there is still plenty of other trinkets I'm looking for to make the space cozy, but this bad boy went a LONG way in helping us get there!)  Getting it home was an adventure unto itself, since despite my endless optimism it certainly was not going to fit in our car.  Thankfully our friends came to the rescue with a slightly bigger automobile that JUST managed to fit my beauty.  Kevin bowed in shame at my totally shame-LESS pleading to somehow, someway, make this work.... and they DID!!! Thanks Jade and Kevin!!!

 Can't wait to get my pictures developed that are going in the spaces, its gonna be awesome!

 Taken at Ducard winery, just at the base of Old Rag mountain on the fringes of Shenandoah National Park

We grabbed Dinner at "Its About Thyme" in Culpepper, and found this fun sign on the corner of their Main Street, of course we had to snag a picture!

Time to pick the next ball out of the lottery machine to see what I'm supposed to be doing next!

Lunch w/ Ann Voskamp

I had lunch with Ann Voskamp today.  It was so brief, she didn't even know about it, but it had quite the impact on me.

 I've been following all the happenings of the IF: movement, since it went public, and desperately wanted to attend the conference down in Austin.  Unfortunately it sold out its 1200 seats in 45 minutes, and I missed my chance.  Then the founders launched an auction for a few more seats WITH the opportunity to snag dinner with Ann Voskamp and Bianca Olthoff to sweeten the pot, and I was all but drooling.  Enter the teensy, tiny, fact that I have bills and babies, and the ever increasing bids upwards of $5K immediately squelched the ever so brief dream.

The dream may have crashed before it ever really took off, but my day dreams had just started taking flight.  Suddenly my lunch time turned into my date with Ann, (I didn't mean to slight Bianca, I'm sure I would have a lovely time with her too, but my brain is a fickle creature, and simply didn't add her to the day dream).  There we were, me all starry eyed, her wondering if my lack of speech was indicative of a developmental delay, or if I was about to go all single white female on her..... Neither of course being true.  When I finally managed to regain command over my speech, I asked my first, not realizing it would be my last, question.  "How do you do it?"..... An innocent enough question at face value, but toss in that she is a mother of 6, who Home schools, speaks around the world, and writes NY Times Best sellers, and it gets slightly more loaded.

Her response, in my fictitious daydream, shifted the entire paradigm in my very real... reality.  "Same as you", she said.

My brain tried its best to sabotage that small truth with its aptly rehearsed lies...  "No, No, No.... You are amazing"  (with the implied, I'm not) "I could never do what you do"..... It really was amazing how quick and fierce they came, one after the other.   But her little truth, just sat back there marinating for a bit..... and then started to build momentum.

You like to write too, accolades don't matter....  You have your babies too, how many doesn't matter..... You speak too, crowds don't matter....  You are being faithful in your attempt at Home School too, I've just had more time... more practice.

And then, ever so quietly, behind that internal conversation, I heard "Be faithful with little things, and more will be given" (Lk 16:10)....

Ok.... so I guess I had lunch with Ann Voskamp, AND God..... I know, I keep pretty cool company these days, and I didn't have to spend $5k to do so, Kevin will be thrilled ;)

Fake lunch is over... time to get a real one!

The Author of Insane

I had to go 'back to work' yesterday.  Twelve weeks FLEW by.  You know that weird place where you don't feel entitled to your own feelings.  That simply by feeling them, you are betraying some unwritten rule.  That's how I felt.  When there are 30+ other women pregnant with you at the same time, and you watch 50%+ have to endure that excruciating day, where they leave their sweet lil babe behind for the first time and return to work, you come up short.

Then I read THIS.  It helped put into words a little of what I was feeling, and that much of the anxiety I was feeling, I was bringing on myself.  Two weeks ago, Kevin and I went on a double date into DC.  This was when I realized I really wanted "sporty" mom to rise to the surface so I could burn off/firm up the fluff AJ left behind.  With work impending, "corporate" mom also needed to find her place in the shuffle, and as I continue playing with what Home School looks like in our house, "teacher" mom is clamoring for her place at the table as well.  Then "cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, loving on kids, and nursing" mom couldn't be silenced either.... while "wife" nagged in the back of my head....and even on top of that was still "me".    What resulted was a mini-implosion.  One step forward, resulted in two steps back.  I was overwhelmed.   I shut down.  I don't think you would notice it from the outside, maybe you could, I thought I hid it well.  Rather than embracing that it's a LOT to wrap my brain around, I just started yelling at myself to get my act together, toe the line of thankfulness, and it just resulted in a whole lot of unproductivity.

I don't think its quite possible for guys to understand 'girl' brain.  Imagine a room, where sporty, corporate, teacher, and catch 'all mom are talking at the same time as wife, self, and friend.  Then toss in the enemy shouting lies over all that, and a 'quiet' voice trying to tell you which way to go.  Add to that any kids you have asking you questions at the same time, and an infant screaming to be fed, held, or played with, and hearing that 'quiet' voice becomes quite the challenge.  

A glimpse into the chaos that was my head:

How do I schedule my day?  We need groceries.  What am I going to cook?  How much work am I going to walk back into?  Man, my house is a MESS. This is hard.  No, you can't say this is hard, I'm supposed to speak life.  O.k....   I can do this. How?  How am I going to do this?  Stop it Julie, that is not faith, you're supposed to trust.  I do.... shut up self.   Seriously though, how am I supposed to work out, have a quiet time, work, clean, shop, cook, and school?  You're not.  Thanks God, I appreciate the grace there, but I am.  No.  Your not.  O.k.... which one don't I do?  You do them all.  God... your contradicting yourself, your not supposed to do that.  I wouldn't do that, if you didn't interrupt me.   Sorry.  You do them all, at different times, I'm working on discipline and obedience.   RIIIIIIGHT...... not my strong suits.   Alright, I hope you have a solid game plan for this God, cause I can't see past about 5 minutes in front of me.... speaking of which, writing this blog, can I do that?  Am I wasting time?   No, this is my gift to you.... words.... time to think and get it out of your head so you can move on.   Now move on.

O.k. God.... I think I got it.... but maybe you don't go to far away alright, cause this is a little insane.
Sweet daughter, you forget, I'm the author of insane, and I've never left your side.

Left of Center

I'm taking a few Regent classes this fall again, through the Leadership Institute our church has, and I busted out laughing at our homework question for the day.  This weeks reading had to do with discovering our true, God-given selves, and living lives that complement that self, using the gifts God gives us, and staying within the boundaries/limits He imposes.

My true self, is an extreme extrovert.  My element is surrounded by people, coordinating events, hosting things, creating community, listening to people's life story and connecting with them through my own.  I love order and process.  So living under house arrest as an employee from home, while surrounded by the constant chaos of three kids 5 and under, and being called to home school, seems about as polar opposite from my 'true self' as one could get.

The reading gave 'some warning signs that indicated we might be straying from the center of God's will for our lives':

·             I am anxious

·         I am rushing or hurrying

·         My body is in a knot

·         I am doing too many things

·         My mind cannot stop racing

·         I am driving too fast

·         I am not able to fully present with people

·         I am irritable about the simple tasks of life, like having to wait in line at the supermarket.

·         I am skimming over time with God.

According to those warning signs, I would be tempted to draw the conclusion that God and I were no longer even on the same map, let alone anywhere NEAR center.  I always knew I was a few degree's left of center ;)  However, I also know God has placed me here in this season of life, blessed me with the same wonderful family that engenders all those crazy feelings, and is using ALL of it to perfect the work He began in me.

But seriously.... I would love to meet the mother of young children that would not say yes, to close to 90% if not the full 100% (like me) of the things on this list.  Anxious..... It's relative.  I have peace, that ultimately it's God's plan for their/my lives, and I'm just stewarding the gifts He's given me to the best of my ability.  However, when you read Mark 9:42, tell me you don't gulp just a little, praying to God you don't cause your kids to stumble through your own short comings.    It's like a mafia hit or something... mill stone around the neck and tossed into the sea.... hello Jersey & the East River?!?

Rushing/Hurrying/Doing to many things..... I'm pretty sure that is the definition of Motherhood, as defined by Urban Dictionary.

My body is in a knot.... every single day, when the baby is sleeping and a loud noise inevitably crashes through the house.... so the ENTIRE nap time as both older boys play WAR.

Fully present.... yes of course, I'm fully present, as my children interrupt me 46 times an hour.

Irritable about the simple tasks of life.... Nothing is simple with small children... ESPECIALLY the line at the supermarket.

Driving too fast.... no I prefer to go the speed limit, while the infant is losing his ever loving mind in his car seat, because some one poked him, or hit him with a flying object that the other two were tossing about.

Skimming over my time with God.... This one is a hit or miss... time in His word.... skimming is likely accurate.... however we are in constant conversation throughout the day, as I mumble "Help me Jesus", or ask for direction in which of the 37 tasks I could complete is the one I should actually do next.

The assignment did provide some interesting food for thought though, after I got past the uncontrolled giggle fest.  Too often I'm tempted to focus on the 'fun' parts of God's Word, His Grace, His desire for Good in our lives.  I want to believe that if its tough, if it hurts, if I don't want to do it.... I shouldn't have to, I mean God wants me to be happy right?  It's not as sexy to read the parts of getting refined by fire, about the trials He guarantees we'll face.  That's what helps me remember, that His happy.... is an eternal Happy.  The happy that comes from succeeding at something that was insanely difficult.... a life well lived.  Raising kids is HARD, pouring into your marriage can be hard, but at the end of the day, doing so day after day, year after year.... will be the thing that gets me to the end of my life, satisfied with a life well lived.