2011 = Success

Some people mark successful years by milestones that were achieved or great events to be reflected on. By that standard, we had a pretty quite 2011. I'm quite o.k. with that.

At the start of this year I made this post, naming my goal for 2011 to be an inward evolution. On the eve of 2012, I can call the year a success. Did I stick hard and fast to my 'goals' of limited T.V., meal planning, and work outs??? Without cable it does help the T.V. goal, although if I were counting Hulu time, maybe not. As for workouts, meal planning, and bible cover to cover, those are rolling into the 2012 goal column. If I focused only on the goals I did not accomplish, I would find myself starting 2012, as I've started many New Years in the past, believing a lie I've held onto for a long time.... I can't do it, its too hard, I might as well not even try. However I'm not the same person I was on the eve of 2011, not by a long shot.

January 2011 marked the first Fast I'd ever tried.... Going in my prayers were for healing from Caleb's seizure and for my best friend to conceive a baby after 2+ years of trying. Over the course of 2010, Caleb had 9 seizures from Sept. 1st - Dec 31st. In 2011, he's had 2, not having had one since May!! On my birthday (April 7th) I found out my Best friend was ~12weeks pregnant, they waited to tell people because of the years of attempts not panning out. When I asked her when she found out, she told me at the beginning of February... our Fast ended on Jan. 31st!! I had started the year leaning more toward the skeptic column, seeing his faithfulness in these two areas alone gave me such a monumental push into the faith filled column!

In July, Kevin and I found out we were expecting, only to learn 2 months later it was not meant to be. Historically, in the midst of trial, I throw up the defenses put on the happy face and let the world know, hey it didn't phase me. I'm not gonna lie and say I was miraculously vulnerable this year, but going through it in the community we're in was such an eye opener. They didn't push, or pry, or judge my lack of feelings, but they also didn't just accept my statements of being fine at face value. They showed up at my house with dinner without prompting, and sent gift cards for dinner out.... I am so proud and awe inspired by my church that actually DOES church well. Not only do they aspire to help those out in the community, and in communities abroad, but they help their own in anyway they can.

November started our Church's Thrive series, and I wrote before, and am just realizing now that I never revealed the totals for their efforts. We set out to raise $500K in a one time offering, with commitments for $5M over the course of the following year. Would you believe me if I told you that in the one time offering they collected $501K?!? You should, cause they did.... talk about chalking another testimony up to the faith filled column! For the $5M, we didn't reach that goal, but they did reveal an even more impressive number in my book... As I mentioned our church is currently hovering right around 1200 members, out of that number 987 members gave what they could towards the offering?!? 987 people stepping out in faith and giving towards a cause they believe in.... guess I'm not the only one convinced my church rocks!

Over the course of that series I had ventured into my second Daniel Fast, believe me when I tell you I didn't START it joyfully... I'm no saint.... but after the amazing results from the first one, I thought I'd give it a shot. My prayer request this time was to feel God's love in a more powerful way. I had the Sunday school understanding, I knew "Yes, Jesus loves me the Bible tells me so", but I could see a difference in people at church... they had a deeper understanding of it, one I couldn't quite grasp. All I'm gonna say about this one (right now at least), is that God answered it in a very powerful way again. He reveled and then removed a block I'd had, and its exciting to start 2012 with it out of my way for good!

I learned SO much about relationships in general this year. My relationship with God, my spouse, my kids, my family, and my friends. I learned its o.k. to let relationships go, I learned that relationships you'd thought were lost can resurface in an instant, I learned it takes two to make relationships work, but you have to accept when someone isn't ready or doesn't want to work on it. When its a relationship you cannot let go of, I learned you need to give them space, knowing that space is not the same thing as turning your back on them, its meeting them where they are and not pushing for more, or resenting not getting it. I also learned that relationships that aren't honest and real, that don't run deep, simply flounder on the surface, and generally aren't worth our precious time to nurture. I learned that time is very much like money, it is a finite resource, and where I invest it is equally important, so I need to choose wisely.

Finally, I learned the difference between knowing your not perfect and using it as an excuse not to change. Not a single person alive today will attain perfection, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be striving for better in every facet of our lives. I know I will continue making mistakes, I'll continue falling off resolution wagons, but at least as I head into 2012, I can do so with the knowledge that falling off the wagon does not mean it was derailed, and I can learn to lean on the relationships around me to cheer me on at getting back on board!

Cliff Notes for the Hubs

Expectations crack me up. We all have them, for pretty much EVERY situation we encounter, or plan to. When your dating, contemplating marriage, most everyone's expectations have some form of living happily ever after included in them. Why would you contemplate marriage if you were expecting it to fail? When your thinking about having kids, you expect there to be "some" trials (Ha! I laugh now that I even write some in quotations), but for the most part you expect to correct the mistakes you felt your parents made, visualize yourself rolling on the floor playing with your beautiful, well behaved children because your house is already clean around you, and dinner's already been made and cleaned up.

It's how people react when their expectations aren't met that's not so funny. I've seen a fair share of melt-downs and blow ups to know this is true. Setting realistic expectations seems to be the ticket, coupled with CONSTANTLY re-evaluating them to see if they still pass the sniff test of being realistic.

Last night was a rather amusing example of my need to review some of my expectations of Kevin, and him representing to me a vast majority of guys in general. You see, Kevin and I operate on VASTLY different wave lengths when it comes to communicating. When I ask him questions about his day and the conversations he's had, I want to know EVERYTHING. When I say everything, I mean every exact word that transpired over the course of the conversations. If he could keep them all in order, even if it was an hour long conversation, I would be thrilled if he could recant it exactly back to me.

Kevin... not so much. He can sum up a multi-hour dinner, event, discussion, etc... in probably 5 words or less. I want to pull my hair out sometimes. I'll ask follow up questions, come at it from a different angle, bring it up a couple different times, JUST to see if I can squeeze out some more details. Usually those efforts leave us both frustrated.

Knowing how much I would love EVERY single detail, my expectation is that even though he wouldn't dream of asking for it, Kevin deeply desires that level of detail as well in my conversations with him. Again... not so much, as I learned last night.

I got the chance to catch up with my Aunt over the course of a FIVE HOUR dinner. Yes, we sat and talked for five straight hours! We had a great time, and I was so excited to get home and tell Kevin ALL about it. After about twenty minutes of me talking a million miles a minute, in exited animation, I asked him if he'd like me to let him go to sleep. His response, "Yes, please. I was wondering when you would be done, I kept telling myself it had to be soon, but when you started rounding the twenty minute mark without stopping I wasn't so sure."

I poked him teasingly, and said "just think I talked for 5 hours just before this and still I'm not tired... you're pretty thankful for my girlfriends now aren't you?", to which he responded "Extremely. I love you, good night".

I feel like I have an alright handle on this expectation, as evidence by my need to cultivate MANY friendships, so I can reach a likely inordinate word quota for the day, without exhausting any ONE. I still have to review it from time to time, when I suffer from girl amnesia, and think again that with Kevin being my best friend, HE is the one that wants to hear it ALL. He does want to hear it... he just wants to hear the condensed version. He appreciates its MUCH more when I work out the multiple hour long conversation with a girl friend, and bring him home the cliffs notes after having worked out my crazy.

For any ladies out there reading this, that might be suffering from the expectation that their husbands are their one and only sounding board, and end up often frustrated when their not. Try branching out a bit, hit up a girlfriend or two (or if your like me, and you would still likely overwhelm even two), figure out what your threshold is and then cultivate the friendships to make it work. Bring the cliff notes home to the hubs so he stays up to date, and see if ya'll don't end up just a little happier in the end! :)

Teachings from a Toddler

Parents are biased. Fact. We think our kids are the cutest, smartest, funniest, most adorable little beings on the planet... well most of the time. Sometimes we literally pay people to take them off our hands and run out the door, grasping at the shreds of sanity slipping through our fingers.

We spend our days teaching them what they need to know; what they can and cannot touch, how they should behave, how to clean up after themselves. I recently put up a canvas with our "Family Rules" displayed for the boys to see, and smile that the first three Caleb can recite are Listen, Obey, and No Whining.

Listen, Obey, and No Whining (with the implied caveat, that we're only listening and obeying to those teaching/correcting us out of love). Oh, if it were only that easy, but that's not reality. Reality is knowing that whether your thirty or three, we all have the gift of free will, and when we listen to something that we do NOT want to obey, the whining, or out right rebellion follows. We might know in our hearts that we SHOULD obey, but we don't, the choice is ours alone. It doesn't make us bad people... just people making bad choices, a small but important distinction.

While I spend my days teaching, the boys are not the only ones that need to be listening and learning. When I step down off my pedestal of "Mom", I realize they are teaching me WAY more important things, then how to properly wipe a tush so as not to leave 'residue' behind... although let's be honest, this is also pretty important!

If you read this, you likely see most of my posts on FB too, surrounding some of Caleb's cuter moments.... A video declaring his innocent, heartfelt love of his family. Choosing to help kids that would otherwise eat 'sticks and bugs' with the only dollar he has. Saying with conviction that guns don't keep people safe, hugs do. That is a whole lotta wisdom & heart packed into a pint-sized package. I would LOVE to take credit for it, but I can't.

My first impulse when he told me he was gonna give his dollar away, was to tell him he didn't have to do that, that it was his money and he could use it on anything he wanted. I'm thankful I stopped the words from coming out of my mouth, because as I thought about it, what would I have taught him with that statement. That he should second guess his decision to give, and think about himself first... what kind of education would THAT have been?!? I found myself ashamed that my 3 year old taught me this, and not the other way around.

Then yesterday, when I learned his response to what keeps people safe was "Hugs keep people safe", my gut reaction was, aww he's cute, too bad that's not the case. What are we teaching him in saying we need guns to keep us safe? He's got it right on this major life lesson too... if we love God AND love our enemy, we wouldn't need guns to keep us safe... the power in our corner would be a WHOLE lot more powerful than any 'ol gun! It's pretty humbling to have a three year old point out the flaws in our way of thinking.

Our society heaps so much prestige on titles, position, and influence. From corporations down to a single family unit, we are set up to have leaders, orders, and rank, and are cautioned to be mindful of our position, and not step too far outside its bounds. We've minimized the value of children, especially young ones, to cute things that we need to manage. To me, it seems societies view of success is found in the parent that has complete control over their children, that has essentially replaced the gift of free will, with a forced will... and we see the ramifications of that throughout society.

What if we, *gasp*, stepped off our pedestals, let go of our titles, and acknowledge we are all just people, making choices, sometimes bad ones? Would it be so awful to learn forgiveness, grace, and patience at the hands of our children, in exchange for teaching them to eat vegetables, exercise, and say please and thank-you? We make ourselves believe its our job to show them how to live life right, but I'm learning the more I stop teaching and start listening, the more they are teaching ME how to live life right.

A Relationship with God is easy.... Lie.

I've believed my fair share of lies over the years. Lies our society feed us about what's hot and what's not, lies others have told me to bring me down, and lies I've told myself.

Sticks 'n stone can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.... Lie

Pictures in the magazines are real. I could look like that too, if only I..... Lie

I don't have the intellectual horse power above the shoulders to cut it.... Lie

Nobody will know.... Lie

They go on.... and on.... and on... BUT, I've uncovered a new biggie today that I thought was worth sharing.

A relationship with God is easy.... Lie.

I was dupped for a long, LONG time. I'd heard the verses "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" along with "my yolk is light", and I believed if it wasn't easy, I must not be doing it right, there must be something wrong with me. It didn't help matters that when Christianity was first explained to me, the only real understanding I walked away with was, you have to "Believe in your heart, and confess with your mouth and invite Jesus into your life". Easy enough... done and done.... now what?

Now what.... I wondered that for oh.... 12 years. Then this concept of relationship finally started to sink in. I had relationships with other people, and they required my participation to work, I have no explanation for why I thought a relationship with God would be any different.

I think we can all agree relationships are hard work. You have to give of yourself, lay down personal agendas, give up your free time, money, sleep, etc.... To appease a husband, children, friends, your boss. What I'd never thought of giving before however was my soul, I kinda assumed that went lock, stock, n' barrel with the inviting Jesus in... but as long as I held onto the lies, they held onto my soul, and it wasn't mine to give to anyone. I believed if you bear your soul you will get hurt... if you tell people the crazy that's in your brain, they will reject you. I did not see those as lies until the last couple weeks. They were truth, because I'd never ventured out to prove them otherwise, and I'm ALL to happy to add them to the list of confirmed LIES now.

The other hard part about relationships, they can hurt like no other. My mom and I were watching a movie last night, one of the cheesy Christmas love stories, with no name actors, that the networks come up with. We had the plot figured out within the first 5 minutes of the movie, but we watched it unfold over two hours anyway. Over the course of that two hours, when the heartbreak inevitably struck, that we knew would be rectified soon, the heroine of the film dissolved into mess of tears and depression as her heart broke, and my mom made the comment, "Isn't it funny that it actually does hurt... a heart break".

Heart breaks, however, aren't only suffered at the hand of a significant other... parents, kids, friends, they can all break our hearts, and the pain is no less. We had shared portions of our souls with these people, and they used that to hurt us. Not a hard lesson to learn... don't do it again. When your dating and that occurs, the resolution (while painful) is still fairly easy... you part ways and you no longer have to worry about maintaining a relationship with that individual. When the hurt comes from family however, that can be a much trickier road to navigate.... you have to re-establish the trust that was broken, and that takes time, commitment, grace, and forgiveness. I've never heard of a scenario where the two individuals wronged realize it at the same exact time, and are both ready to rebuild at the exact same time. Given that, it would stand to reason that the one initiating the re-building should be prepared for a little (lot) resistance. How often is that part easy to forget. When your initial efforts are thwarted you retreat, lamenting the faults of the other for not seeing your peace offering for what it was.

I'm starting to figure out the common denominator though to successful relationships, ones that can weather the mistakes and hurts we inflict upon each other. If the individual you're working on a relationship with, is also working on their relationship with God.... chances are REALLY good, that things are going to work out for the best. They will be more prone to forgive, offer grace, not judge, and love you in spite of you. If someone doesn't need God, I have to believe they think they can manage perfectly on their own... and if their standard of perfection is what I'm going to be measured up against.... I'm setting myself up for a failure.

Moral of the story.... Not everyone will reject and ridicule you when you lay yourself bear, and expose the crazy hiding in your brain, and when you find a place you can be TRULY transparent, it is a slice of heaven on earth. BUT, be careful who you bear your soul too... and when... The bible didn't say guard your heart from everyone.... but it did say to guard it, because there are those out there that will destroy it if given the opportunity.

Kids & Parents.... Kinda the same thing

Keeping up with my theme of "Thankful til Thanksgiving", I realized I was running out of days, and was still thankful for so many things yet to be mentioned. So I'm combining two, that after thinking about it, share many of the same qualities!

Parents: They get you out of bed before you want to, they make you eat healthy, they don't let you stay out too late, you get punished if you party too hard, you have to watch your language around them, and they force you to clean.

Kids.... Pretty much the same thing. Granted the 'forcing/punishing' isn't direct.... but I dare you to try and eat a bowl of ice cream for dinner in front of them, while attempting to push broccoli at them... not gonna happen. Better yet, try hanging at a club till 2am, like the old days, then wake up at 5:30 to someone that wants to play, and won't be quiet until you do.... then we can talk about punishment.

While they can both be difficult to handle at times, my definition of love would not be nearly as multi-faceted with out them. I would never have truly understood the meaning of sacrificial love without having my own children, and although I was rebellious to it at the time, my parents tough love, taught me discipline, independence, financial acumen, and respect.

My boys, with their unassuming charm, infectious smiles, belly laughs, and sweet hearts bring more joy to my life than I thought possible. Their never ending questions, whines, and complete and total lack of understanding as to the wake they leave in their path also test my patience and sanity in unimaginable ways. Those two factors strike a delicate daily balance, that together, have taught me that grace truly is anew every day, that we can forgive way more than seventy times seven, and has shown me what unconditional love truly looks like. Being a parent revolutionized my understanding of God's love.

Family is where lessons are lived out. In some cases they can take decades to understand, but it is the one community of people that you are tied to for your entire life. Whether its seeking/giving grace or mercy, forgiveness, self control, patience, kindness, service, letting go of the need for acceptance, and learning to find freedom in your own life, the family dynamic seems to be where much of it is played out. I love my family, immediate, and extended so very much, and am so thankful for the growth I see in my own life as result of their influence on it.

Today I'm Thankful for my Church!

I've missed a few "Thankful Till Thanksgiving" status updates again... Going into the weekend, I knew it would be a fantastic weekend, but its defied even my own expectations.

Today I am thankful for a church that defies expectations, that doesn't let me get a handle on it, that doesn't let me fall into step along side, but that always leaves me chasing, arms wide open, outstretched, with reckless abandon and hope filled exhilaration!

Have you ever found a place, that simultaneously accepts you, loves you, needs you, entertains you, challenges you, teaches you, and calls you out of yourself... the real you... the you even YOU weren't sure existed? It's an adventure everyday..... it never get's old, and you never know what to expect next.

My soul craves adventure! It's why I always new I'd someday move out of Michigan, and why when the opportunity came around to turn our lives upside down again and move to Virginia, I jumped at it. Sure there was some anxiety with both moves, and things I've missed about both places I've moved from... but with each move I learn a TON more about myself!

Michigan to Texas proved I could do it. I was strong enough to make it, and while that first year was anything but easy, calling and crying for home more than a few times, I got stronger.

This time around, I knew I could do it... and I changed the mistakes I'd made the first time, that had made that first move so miserable in the beginning. I didn't wait for friends to find me, wait around for my phone to ring, and then get depressed when it didn't because surely that meant no one liked me. This time, I plugged myself in everywhere, to everything, and everyone and then waited to see what stuck. If I was bored, or needed to chat, I called someone... I know.... novel idea, but it took me awhile to come up with, believe it or not.

This move, its quite obvious, its my faith that's growing by leaps and bounds. I went from critic, to skeptic, to euphoric.... From "Love God, just not his fan club"... to "there is no way this is for real.... but why would they make this up?", to "wait a minute... this is for real... I want a piece of the action!" Until you push yourself over the edge of an adventure, you never get the chance to figure out how you're going to stick the landing. I'm still free falling in my current adventure, and honestly in no hurry to pull the rip cord!

We've all, at one wedding or another, heard the famous Corinthians verse that ends in 13:7 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things", DC Metro takes this to the extreme! I had thought about not sharing the numbers here that my church is believing for, out of my own fear that if they don't come through, that failure could reinforce someone else struggle with a lie that its just not possible. However, I didn't start to overcome that lie, until I started seeing proof positive that it happens.... so hoping this step of faith pans out for someone else!

So are you ready for this.... you can come back on Sunday Dec. 4th for the results as that's when they'll be announced to us....

For a church with a membership of 1200 people.... with a diverse economic background, centering around average.... meaning not 1200 millionaires... uh... duh, cause we go there... SO not a millionaire! The belief is that in ONE week... ONE... we can raise $500K, and have commitments for another $5M... That's FIVE MILLION DOLLARS, to come in over the course of the next year.

Stop right there, I know what you're thinking cause I thought the same thing.... "commitment" so easy to write a great intention on a piece of paper but not follow through... In a generation where we can barely get a 50% response rate to an Evite for an event occurring the next day...."commitment" is a scary word. Not in my church... No sir... not today ;)!

From a self proclaimed critic then skeptic, I am now euphoric because I truly do believe... no reservations believe.... I've graduated from the "Yeah, I believe... in theory that sounds fantastic"... to "It WILL happen... just you wait and see". You wanna know the best part about it? I used to be nervous saying something like that... because, well what if it doesn't. You know what, if I ended up being the only person that gave to this drive (which I already know I wasn't) I know God would use those funds to accomplish all he had planned anyway... he's got his sights set on a building, and if that building was $5M right now, and all we got was half that.... then when its time to buy, the selling price on that building would be $2.5M!

Can you feel the euphoria baby?!? Call it delusional... call it what you will... but I'm happy, truly over the moon in LOVE with every aspect of my life and all the people in it... can you say that?

If you can't... why don't you try throwing yourself into a new adventure... shake up the church routine, check some new ones out, go across a denomination or two, until you find one that speaks to YOU.... they are NOT all the same, growing up Catholic, I can say that WITHOUT a doubt! But God's in all of them somewhere, so go find him!

Today I am Thankful for the Women in my Life!

So I started doing the "Thankful till Thanksgiving" posts on Facebook, and its been great spending the days looking for the thing I am MOST thankful for that day! Today however I was thinking of all the ladies in my life that have left a lasting impression, and when I tried to come up with a small little post detailing how thankful I am for each and everyone one of you in my life, it seemed to minimize all ya'lls impact!

So... you get you're own blog! I figured I could write it out, and attach it to the status update without spamming all of facebook, although I hope each and every one of you read it... cause YOU were who I wanted to spam!

(This is obviously in NO particular order, and I will likely be working on this for the rest of the day in my free time, in an HONEST effort not to forget the contributions of even ONE of you, but please please please please please.... if you read to the bottom and you are not mentioned, don't believe for a second that you did not impact my life in some way, I am human with tired mama brain, it was NOT intentional!)

Jilly Bean: You've stood the test of time... all my insanity, when I had no clue who I was, you were there loving me anyway, and welcoming me back when I finally saw the error of my ways. Thank you for being so amazing, being my sister, my best friend in the whole world, and getting me like few can... I love you!

Amanda & Jen: I love and look forward to our Christmas/Summer rendezvous, watching each others kids getting bigger, swapping stories, and catching up!

Melissa, Allison, and Anna: THANK YOU! Young Life changed the course of my life... while I didn't realize it then, I certainly do now... and I have you and your wonderful guidance in my life during those formative years to thank for that!

Holly, Katie, Liza: Ya'll are hilarious, and while we don't hang out so much anymore, you are still very much in the forefront of all my middle school/H.S. memories, and it was awesome reconnecting this spring and being reminded that even a decade apart we can still have a blast!

Carrie: We shared a crazy nomadic life style our senior year in H.S., and now you are my window to adventure down in South Beach!

Kasey: You and your sister both crack me up, and I love knowing both of you! Your sense of humor is the same, and it always comes off without a hitch! I love that when we see each other its always under the most random of occurances, and yet we still have a great time!

Crystal: You have been in my prayers for going on 15+ years. I pray you feel GOD's love for you, and live out of that overflow, searching for other people to love you the way only God can is an impossible task, fraught with disappointment. I love you, and will continue praying for you.

Tonya & Jenny: Both ya'll held my most precious babes at some point, and I will always be grateful to you for your help in raising some totally awesome dudes, thank you for pouring love into them!

Rachel: You were the first example of motherhood I could relate too, your sense of humor and candor crack me up even a thousand miles. I am so thankful for all your stories

Renee: You have one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen! You give and give and give of yourself, never asking for a thing in return. I'm so thankful for the years we spent together in Austin, and that Cubby has an Aunt Nene!

Kaley: I've loved watching you embrace your role as a mama, you are amazing at it, and Selah is blessed! You are so sweet, and you are an awesome boost for my ego thinking I have any clue what I'm doing ;)

Lacey: You always perfectly personified "Texas" for me :) You love big, you laugh big, your heart is big. You welcome anyone and everyone and treat them like family. I love being a part of your 'family'!

Kristen, Courtney, Katherine: Ya'll were the best small group a girl could ask for in Austin! It's been amazing watching you all become mama's and seeing your beautiful babes grow on FB! I wish I could meet each of them in person, but if that day doesn't come, hearing the stories of their antics and seeing their cute faces on Facebook will have to suffice! Katherine, I wish you ALL the best, as you embark on the adventure as life as a missionary with your family!

Emily, Becca, Jessica: Oh the fun we had :) Yes... THAT just happened!! I'm still holding out hope that one of these vacation times we'll be able to join ya'll and have so much fun with our growing families!

Sarah: Your faith has always been an inspiration to me, no matter the struggles or hardships you endure, your faith is not shaken!

Sara: You amaze me! All you do, mostly, if not all, on your own.... kids, practically a zoo of animals, a garden, a library, and now school.... You make me tired just thinking about it!

Ang: Your perseverance, courage, faith, forgiveness, and grace... so many awesome qualities on display for the world to see!

Jenny: Sure we had a healthy dose of sibling rivalry, but you are an amazing mom to soon to be FOUR... you pour out your life for those kids, and I can see it in their adoration of you!

Rebecca: Yes, we had are share of sibling rivalry as well, but its exciting to see you stepping out on your own with Travis now! I'm so excited for you, and can't wait to see all the adventures you have in your life!

Annie, Sarah, Julie, Heidi, Blake, Amy, Katie: Ya'll are the best cousins, and cousins in-law a girl could ask for... seriously! Family reunions are top priority to make because it would mean a chance to catch up with ya'll... and I'm hoping as the years go on, we can continue planning fun family outings so OUR kids can meet and have all the fun we did with our own cousins growing up!

Julie R: Your smile and laugh are infectious and you light up a room, it is a joy just to be near you. Your belief in me, makes me believe in myself and I can't thank you enough for that!

Stephanie: You quite literally save my life everyday... I was thankful for our friendship before you ever started watching the boys, and now, its that much more awesome having a friend with me in my house everyday, literally living out life with me... I couldn't do it without you!

Linsay: I love EVERYDAY that you are staying in the D.C. area... and now that you're even contemplating house hunting, so exciting! I've loved developing our friendship together and hope we get to continue doing so for years to come!!

Taryn, Andee, Julie S: Inspirational leaders and woman of faith, thank you for pouring out your hearts in service to the church, your husbands, and families! I am so thankful to have the opportunity to know you!

Natalie: I love doing our crazy, hectic, everyday mama lives together.... so hectic in fact that it quite often doesn't seem like we're doing them together, but knowing someone is there is always the comfort!

Nancy, Jenn, Kaci, Courtney, Julia: Ya'lls unwavering support to your husbands in service, and the sacrifice you endure without flinching is inspirational!

Marci & Terri: The hilarity that ensues when we are together is priceless!

Esther, Jessica S, Jessica E, Ebony, Tamara, Summer, Melissa, Julie L., Rainbow, Kristina, Katherine, Chelsea B, Mary Ruth, Victoria, Torrey, Christina, Sarah, Dawn, Michelle, Tiara, Tyler, Shannon, Amanda, Amber, Heather, Charity, Faith, Emily, Katie, Keirsten, Kim, Kris, Stephanie, Lindsay, Maria, Melanie, Tiffany.... The list can go on, of this I am sure.... but this place is now home because of each and everyone one of you! Thank you for your hearts, your smiles, words of encouragement, help, friendship, fun, ear to listen, or offer for prayer, it is all appreciated!

(Mom, Diane, Gramma's, Aunts, don't worry you weren't forgotten... you'll just get you're own post soon :))

As I made this list, it became quite obvious that I don't get to spend anywhere NEAR as much time as I would like to with everyone on it... whether their 5 minutes, or 500+ miles away. However, the constant with each one of you is that when I do see you, talk to you, or facebook you the connection is instant and we can just pick up where we left off.... whether that's still learning about each other, or just adding a little water to an already well planted friendship.

While I was writing them out, the following characteristics I could have listed for each and everyone of you, but that would have made for a repetitive/monotonous post, so I opted to include them all at the end: Thank you for your pure heart, the transparency of your soul, the inspiration to live a bigger more full life, and the grace you pour out on me when I fall short. Thank you for letting me be me, and loving me anyway :) I love each and everyone of you! Though the time lapses between can drag on, know you had a impact on me, and I am eternally thankful to have you in my life!

Love,

~*~Julie~*~

The Great Healthcare Debate... no not Obama's... mine

Why does health care have to be the BIGGEST pain in the butt!?! I want to find a good (dare I say it... great) Internist. I just learned this word today. Apparently its a fancy word for Doctor that specializes in overall adult care... we find pediatricians for our babes, and apparently 'Internists' are for the parents. In my research, this was better than finding an overall 'Family Care Provider' or 'General Practioner', because those Dr's have to know very little about everything from Diaper Rash to early onset Alzheimer's.... Instead I'll stick with Pediatricians specializing in all things to do with my babes, and find an Internist that is schooled in the art of identifying and addressing the issues that plague us as we age.

I found a great one.... I REALLY want to go to her. All of the information about the practice was how it specializes in treating the whole patient, mind, body, and soul through a collection of homeopathic and natural treatments. Don't worry peeps, I'm not going all woooosaaaa on you, my soul is covered, and quite healthy, as I have THE Great Physician taking care of things on that front... and he's free.... if only the rest could be that good! However, the natural, homeopathic methods for treating ailments is right up my alley. They're approach is a minimum of an hour initial visit to understand the patient and their needs, and do a full work up to understand what they're working with. It's not even on the same playing field as 99.9% of the other options out there, that will allow the nurse to weigh you, check your blood pressure, then sit you in a room for 10 minutes while you wait for a Doc... who will work with you for all of MAYBE 10 minutes prior to giving you some off the cuff diagnosis and moving on, possibly offering half a dozen pill popping prescriptions as your door prize for your trouble.... but then again you may have to wait for the 2nd or 3rd visit to actually get those.

So what am I complaining about.... why don't I just go to this wonderful woman?!? She is out of network, because the work they provide doesn't gel with the billing practices of Insurance companies that pay by how many patients you're able to see in an hour. God forbid you see ONE patient in an hour... Well actually God didn't forbid that at all.... these money grubbing insurance companies did! Grrrrrrr!!!!! The initial visit without insurance is $235.... yes QUITE a bit steeper than the $10 copay to grin and bear the machine that is in-network healthcare.

So now I'm torn. I want quality... this is my health we are talking about. For any I may have concerned that I'm dying or something with this post... rest assured, as far as I know I'm perfectly healthy. I would just like to stay that way, and am trying to find that ONE Dr. I feel comfortable sticking with that would actually be intelligent and diligent enough to identify something if it should come up in the future. Do I pay the steep price for the practice that matches what I'm looking for.... or continue taking my chances that in a 10 minute meeting once a year, some random Doc's gonna be able to tell me with any level of accuracy if something is actually wrong?

It would appear as though I answered my own question. The hiccup is I'm healthy, why mess with a good thing? If I thought there was something to find, I wouldn't blink at that price tag, but when I've been blessed with health for 29.5 years and paid nothing for it, my brain doesn't understand the logic of paying that kind of money, when a different Dr. could give me the same physical for a fraction of the cost.

What to do? The Great Debate continues....

Remembering Who I Am

This is a midnight post, even if my dumb time stamp doesn't ever record properly, so I warn you in advance... this is Julie 'unplugged'... It may not make sense, it probably won't flow, but I had a lot in my head I wanted to get out so I could go to sleep :)

Did anyone watch Private Practice tonight? I did, and one of the story line sequences stuck with me. The story line was of this woman, she was in a car accident just before learning she was pregnant and couldn't retain any memory since the accident, not even a conversation occurring moments before, or the fact she was pregnant... despite a growing belly. For anyone that saw that Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler Movie... pretty much the same thing, only were Drew could remember everything until she slept again, this women couldn't remember past 2-3 minutes.

So I was at Sisterhood tonight (did ya' like that transition... yeah sleepy time), they did their first annual Night of Pink, a night bringing awareness to Breast Cancer and honoring supporting any and all who are impacted by it, the ladies who set up knocked it outta the park, looked amazing! Anyway, Taryn get's up and starts in on her message... (sidebar... I love how real Taryn is, and that she's willing to share her 'hot mess' moments with us, especially when those speak directly to every insecurity I hold about being a mom.) Right...back to the message... It was about "Remember who we are, Remember who God is, and Remember all that he still has to do through us".

Go back with me now to the Private Practice episode that came on 15 minutes after I got home from hearing that message. Guess who feels like the lady in the car accident with a 2 minute recall button now?!?

Seriously people, my dementia is BAD... I think there might be a slight touch of adult ADHD in there to (I know... massive shocker to so many of you) which doesn't help matters. Yes, I know my name, and all my memories are still in tact.... but most days I honestly feel like I could be walking around and someone could be telling me "You are a cherished daughter of God, loved beyond all comprehension, and capable of anything" and two minutes later (or less some days) I could look back at them blankly and say "huh?"

It mirrors so closely to the story line, because I can draw up pretty much ANY pre-believing (or pre-accident as the storyline goes) memory with ease.... and dwell there for as long as I want (or usually don't want).... but after... if I don't have my reminders telling me who I am and what that means, I can forget all to easily. It reinforces to me JUST how important the community you are surrounded with is. When I'm away from a strong message for too long, I feel it.... If I'm surrounded by negativity or negative influences, I feel it.... Heck if I'm by MYSELF for too long... and I don't force my mind to retain my new memories, the old ones come in, take hold, and it can be quite the fight in my brain for whose gonna win that one. (Yes, there are quite often voices in my head, but I seem to be a functioning psychotic, so let's keep the straight jackets put away just for a little while, shall we?).

Well that's it... That was my big Ah-ha moment of the night that I had to get out of my head so it didn't keep spinning. Luckily now that I have an image in my head, of my so called 'dementia', I can use some of the tactics they employed to battle it... Constant reminders, posted everywhere, at every turn, reminding me who I am and what that means.

Now if I can JUST remember to do that in the morning.... wait... what was I saying again.... Goodnight all!

Loving the Mess

Caleb came to my room last night, around midnight, and in a very small quiet voice asked if he could snuggle. Given the rather raucous noises my nose has been making the past few nights, Kevin had opted to sleep down stairs, so I told Caleb he could climb in but that I'd have to take him back to his bed in a bit.

We snuggled, his tiny warm body curled right into mine, and his little hand resting on my arm. I was loving every second of it, but knew I could not sleep like this, so started to stir with the intent of moving him back to his bed. He gripped my hand, and with his lower lip jutted out and a slight quiver to his voice said, "No mommy, please let me stay here, I don't want the big man to get me."

This, of course, sent about a million alarms ringing in my head, and I had to fully vet it out. So we started down the line of questioning on what big man, when did he get you, what in the world are you talking about... After learning that this big man had apparently been at the park when Logan and I had been with him (of which I could definitely confirm had not happened in reality), I was slightly at ease this had only occurred in dreamland. However, real or not, no big man was going to be getting my son that night, so he had secured his spot next to me for the remainder of the night. I didn't get much sleep, as I had predicted, but I did enjoy every minute snuggling my little man.

Three and a half years into this parenting thing and I still can't seem to get a pulse on how quickly situations change when it comes to kids.... I mean the day before you have a kid, you can't imagine what your life will look like with them in it... then seconds after you meet them, you can't imagine life without them. One minute your calmly answering the 3000th "why" of the day, or bouncing the screaming baby, and the next second you snap in frustration, then just as quickly lapse into the horrible mama guilt for having not held your cool. Or, last night, I plan cuddle for a few minutes waiting for the comfort of my own bed to fall asleep, and moments later I could care less about staying up all night as the protector of all things seen and unseen.

It shocks me how many times my perspective shifts in one day, I can't keep up. One minute I'm thinking, this is the LONGEST season of my life, will my house NEVER be clean again, will the dependence never end... Then I'll get a hug, hear an "I love you Mama", or snuggle away a nightmare and wonder how many more times I'll have the power to chase away the bad with a hug. How long will this season last, where he'll run up and hug me for no reason and tell me how much he loves me, where he'll walk up to strangers in the grocery store, stick out his hand introduce himself, and ask that stranger "How's your day?". I love the fact the season of sweetness is extended as Logan nips at Caleb's heels, and think of having another to extend the sweetness even further.... then I cringe thinking of all the insanity that would ensue with another.

While I haven't gotten a pulse on how suddenly, and seemingly without provocation, my moods can shift.... I am SLOWLY learning how to adjust to this dichotomy no one told me to expect when having children. I used to struggle with the Love/Hate relationship... Loving my children, hating the mess.... Loving my children, hating the whining.... Loving my children, hating the sleeplessness/exhaustion. In the last week or so though, I've stumbled across enough blogs, articles, etc... that have shifted my perspective. I could avoid the mess, the whining, and the sleeplessness.... but then I wouldn't have my kids.

I'm thinking about having that last line creatively drawn/stenciled and hung someplace in my house as a daily reminder.... cause Lord knows I need to be reminded of it daily! I'm trying to love the mess, and the whining, and the sleeplessness, because loving that is loving the fact my kids are here in this sweet stage. So I'm gonna go love (well try... well maybe I'll start off by not hating... how about just enjoying... is that possible?) the laundry, and dishes, and dinner making, and cleaning the pee up from all around the toilet because my dear sweet boy still turns his whole body when looking anywhere other than directly forward. But hey, he's outta diapers, so gotta love that right!

Blog Therapy :)

I'm an affirmation junkie. It's true. Say something nice about me, and I'm pretty much putty in your hands! Case in point, the sales lady at Smooch, lathering on the compliments about how good the blood red lipstick/liner combo looked on me. Two minutes later I had spent $49 on a lipstick combo... FORTY NINE DOLLARS.... on LIPSTICK. Literally seconds after I walked out of the store, reality set in. I'm not a Blood Red lipstick kinda girl, nor do I spend that kind of money on lipstick! Yes, I was going for that 'vintage' look for Rebecca's wedding make-up, but the other 364 days of the year, that color would reside securely in one of my purse pouches, never again seeing the light of day!

I sheepishly had to walk back into the store 15 minutes later, and acknowledge that after trying on a couple different shirts with my new look, I hadn't actually been able to look at the shirt once, cause my eyes were glued to my lips, and I just couldn't take it. Luckily the 'no return policy' didn't apply to purchases that were only in your possession for 15 minutes, but suffice it to say the affirmations about me that had so recently been POURING out of her own lips had quickly dried up into a thin line of tightly pursed lips as she struggled through the return.

I've been blogging for going on 2 years now, sometimes more consistently than others :). I do it mostly for me, as an outlet for the insanity that resides in my head, but being the junkie I am, its fun knowing other people read it and enjoy it from time to time as well. My dream job would definitely be writing full time. What would I write... who knows... maybe just blogs, but it would be awesome to get paid for basically just having a conversation on paper, cause let's face it.... I love to talk even more than I love to write.

I find no coincidence in my blogging activity picking up at about the same time as my adult conversational hours took a rapid nose dive! Yes, shortly before welcoming #2 and the subsequent months that followed were some of my most regular posting months. Why? Because after satisfying Caleb's 11'dy billion word per day quota, and listening to the incessant chatter of Logan as background noise, being able to have a one sided conversation, where the background noise was silence is perfection! It's like my own personal shrink couch, without the hourly fee!

From the sheer number of mommy blogs out there, I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one who has discovered and is now shamelessly exploiting this form of free therapy. They always say what women crave most is someone to listen to them, without heaping unsolicited advice at them. Cha-ching... jackpot baby, this is it! You can tell yourself, the whole world is listening (even if logic tries to rain on your parade and convince you, that likely only a small percentage of those following you are actually listening, so for me, that might be one person), and then when you want advice, you can tailor the responses you find to those that suit your season of life, beliefs, etc.... by leafing through a few fellow blogs until you find a writer that speaks to you. For example, I follow a few close friends whose stories, struggles, crazy life moments affirm that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, in the thick of this thing called life. I also follow a few 'inspirational' writers that I don't personally know, but whose writing style and stories inspire me to try harder, do better, and believe that it's possible.

I'm still trying to find that fine line between reading/writing about life and actually living it :). Hopefully some of my ramblings can be free couch therapy to another, and you can be assured, that you are no crazier than me!

Comfort in the Catch-Up

Ahhhh, the peace and quiet of home. There really is nothing quite like it. Kids have been in bed for going on 4 hours now, Kevin headed there about three hours ago himself(I need to go to bed). I'm alone and its silent. I watched a missed pod-cast from church last Sunday, then caught up on the blogs I like to follow, and then the thoughts started pouring in. Snip-its of conversations from last week, a picture of a face and then a memory that may have accompanied it from years ago, so I'm going with it, down memory lane.

Last week was awesome! A whirlwind week, that culminated with the wedding of my little sister, Rebecca. The wedding was amazing, they usually are, but when its someone within your immediate family, they are that much more special, because you know at least HALF, if not more of everyone in attendance. People who have known me for my entire life, had a hand in raising me, cousins I've played with and known for as long as I can remember, sisters standing side by side.

Sometimes its hard to believe I haven't lived there for going on 8 years now, but today, settling in back 'home', I feel those 8 years. Most of these people that I've 'known' my whole life, I don't KNOW anymore. Seeing them again satisfies the itch to feel like I still belong, they're still 'mine' and I'm their's.... but a few 15-20 minute rotating conversations, with participants tuning in/out, coming and going around us, isn't exactly the opportunity to figure out all the things I've missed. What's going on in their lives? Who are their people, and how are they doing? The conversations that can take an hour usually at minimum, and are best nurtured one on one, with a cup of tea, coffee, or cocoa (and no kids!)

What is it with family that make those conversations the ones that seem the most impossible to have? Is it the fact that we have all the history, the people interwoven through our lives are the same, and the memories we hold and the feelings they invoked do not always seem to be shared? That different points of view surrounding the events of our lives, end up more often as points of contention rather than conversation? With so many relational overlaps, is it fear that what we say to each other might not end there, and the reality that confirms it all to often doesn't? Or deep down, do we not really WANT to know or be known, because the last people we want to disappoint is our family....

There is a comfort in the catch-up. Yes, you still belong. Yes, you can still laugh at the hilarious memories you share, and affirm all the positives in your life, so that THOSE get passed around the family, and possibly touch on a more immediate struggle. There is the very real barrier of time/location to fall back on as an excuse for not going deeper, but is that all it is... an excuse? I wish I had the answers to all my questions... Wish I could be a pro at maintaining deep/meaningful long distance relationships. I always leave wondering if they know how much they mean to me, and usually feel a little guilty that they likely don't because I keep it just as light and easy.

Since there never seems to be 'the right time' for such conversations when I'm home, I figured rather than keeping the thought to myself, at least if I put it out here, ya'll would know. Whether it spurs a conversation in the future, or simply affirms the fact that I do care about you deeply and miss the chance at 'knowing' who you are now, I figured that's something. Know that I'm TRYING to figure out the right way to do this without being awkward, and that if I ask you some weird questions, it might be my 'attempt'... so try not to look at me like I've completely lost my mind :).

Love you guys... Despite any of our history, and our messy attempts at meddling, there is the undercurrent of love (there may have been a little loathing interspersed for good measure, but for the most part... love :) See ya'll at Christmas... maybe we'll have to have a cocoa date!!!

P.S. Congrats again Rebecca and Trav! Praying for ya'll to have an amazing marriage and life together, and so excited I will get to be a part of it for the long haul! Love you both!

I Love DC Metro Church Because...

Can you remember back to when you believed in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and other fanciful creatures, and the magic that surrounded them? The fervor you had to seek after, set traps for, and any number of other hair brained ideas in an attempt to catch of glimpse of the real deal? I loved that part of my childhood. My mom did an amazing job setting the stage for us. Helping us put the cookie plates together for Santa, with carrots for Rudolf, helping us write our letters of thanks to be placed by the fire place. Then at some time in the DEAD of night, knowing she would be waken by screaming children mere hours... maybe minutes... later, she managed to stage the living room in a way that left little doubt the big guy had REALLY been there. We had a hand written note from him detailing which wrapping paper went with which daughter, in scrawl that certainly wasn't my mom's, foot prints of enormous boot size right at the base of the fireplace, and half eaten treats from our plate strewn about. It was magical. It was a mystery. I simply believed, and I was happier for it.

Do you remember when you found out the magic wasn't real? The disappointment you felt, yet hid to preserve your pride, and you quickly joined the ranks of others declaring "believing is for babies", so you wouldn't be the outcast. I don't know about you, but I can say I was quite a bit happier in my belief. I gained nothing when I realized the handwritten note from Santa, was just mom's left handed writing, that the footprints from snow, were nothing more than Dad's boots dipped in flour, that the treats strewn about were just part of the act. I gained nothing, but a healthy dose of cynicism at having been 'duped', and somewhere around that time was when protecting my pride became more important than believing in what I couldn't see or do.

At some point along my journey into adulthood, I lumped a few other things into the category of make believe. Miracles. Prophesy. Speaking in Tongues. No one else I knew believed in these things, outside of the occasional horror story of a church that only spoke in tongues, and if you couldn't, then YOU were NOT a believer, because of course all believers could. I didn't want to be an outcast, so I joined ranks and scoffed at their existence along with the rest.

So.... knowing then, that your life had been happier with the magic of believing, what would you do when given the option to believe once again? Would you embrace it with an open mind, letting go of your pride for the chance to catch a glimpse of the Real Deal... enjoying the adventure into the unknown, or would you continue to scoff, protecting your pride, standing on your lofty perch of righteousness, feeling better about yourself as you declare all others mis-guided at best.

Church just started a new series called "I Love DC Metro Church Because...." each week speaking on a different tenant that makes our church awesome. Pretentious? Pastor David covered that in the intro of the first sermon... yes it is, but for anyone that goes there the tenants he speaks on are true, and its why we all love being there... so it is what it is :)

Enough of my blog posts over the last year that we've been here (I can't believe its been a year... CRAZY) have detailed different reasons why I think its awesome, but given the title of the series, I couldn't help but add one more to the list.

I Love DC Metro Church Because.... they've brought magic back into my life. Except where before the source of magic was rooted in a character, one I would truly never get the chance to encounter, now its rooted in my faith that if I look hard enough I can have encounters with God. The thing I'm still learning is it takes the fervor I had as a child to do it. I still have to search out places that he would be, and then not fall asleep (or get distracted with any number of things) while scouting him out. A few weeks ago my searching/scouting out/and believing paid off and I got to witness a miracle in the healing of a 3 year old little girl. Cynicism would chalk it up to good Dr's and time... but if you weren't there scouting it out and looking for it, if you weren't believing, you wouldn't have had the chance to see and feel what I did. It's not the same magic as childhood, where something comes from nothing... poof! It's better.

Does this kind of story happen everyday? Maybe not... but go back with me to Christmas morning again.... some years you would ask and ask and ask for that one special gift, and the day would come and go, and it wouldn't be under your tree. Was there dissapointment, sure, but it didn't end your life, and you looked at all the gifts you had surrounding you and found joy in those as well, and most importantly... you didn't stop believing. Then there was the year it WAS there, and the unspeakable joy that went with that moment of discovering he'd heard you, Wasn't it worth it, holding on to the belief despite past disappointments? I think so.

M. I. A.

So I realize I've been missing in action for almost 2 months now, to be honest, while a lot has happened, none of it was 'entertaining' blog worthy. I'll try to recap as best I can :)

A month ago we all headed back to Michigan to visit with family, and so I could be a part of my little sis's bachelorette party. We had an awesome time... save for the first night I'd suppose. We attended my dad's Family Reunion, and its big... like obscene big. My Grandpa's brother had 8 kids of his own, 6 of whom have also now had ~8+ kids of their own, then our whole side... So they rented out an entire campground... yes... the whole thing! The day was great catching up with everyone, but as people started turning towards bed, our make shift plan for the evening was Kevin and Caleb in a tent, and Logan and I sharing a twin, didn't pan out so well.

The boys in the tent did spectacular.... Me not so much. See we don't c0-sleep... EVER... so Logan is convinced this is the greatest game of his life, and will not leave me alone. When I try to force the issue, he loses his ever-lovin mind, in a cabin where 10 other people are trying to sleep. Out of courtesy, I take Logan to the car, and realize he's got quite a sore bottom, so figure I'll head to the grocery (with nothing better to do at midnight) to pick up some butt cream. What I didn't realize was the grocery store was 45mins away. As the drive got longer and longer, I decided I'd bag the campground and find myself a hotel for me and Logan and try to salvage the rest of the night. Unfortnetly I was informed by the helpful attendent at Meijer that my two choices were Motel 6, which apparently was the new ground zero for drug activity in Jackson MI, or the Red Roof Inn, next to the truck stop that was generally used more by truckers. Needless to say, just Logan and me at midnight, we drove all the way back to the campground and I sucked it up for the rest of the night letting Logan sleep in my chest, waiting for the first hint of pink in the sky.

After regaining my footing (and sleep) the next evening, I enjoyed time with family and friends throughout the week, waiting for the festivities of Friday Nights Bachelorette party! The evening was great! We suprised Beck with an ENOURMOUS stretch limo, and took the girls out to Grand Haven for Dinner at Kirby, where we ran into MSU Head Basketball coach TOM IZZO!!! We pretty much stalked him for a photo op, but it was totally worth it! Then we headed back to downtown GR for some dancing out on the town until the wee hours, overall a sucess and fun had by all!

While I was enjoying myself out with the girls, my WONDERFUL hub's had solicited the help of a handful of guys from church and moved to our new digs in Del Ray! We are loving the area, and still getting settled. I know, I know.... Where are the pictures?!? Well, exhaustion from all the activity... and the fact that the wee ones aren't exactly standing by patiently allowing us to unpack in peace, has kept me from getting ourselves settled as I would like before the big debut. I'm working on it and WILL post pictures when I get things positioned how I'd like.

Other than those two biggies, life has pretty much been trecking along. Our new day care provider for the boys started just after labor day, Stephanie. We all love her! The boys have a great time during the day, and I'm loving the fact my friend get's to come over and hang out with me for a bit everday.

Caleb and Logan are doing great, enjoying the park down the street, and I'm LOVING the fact I have a fenced in backyard again where I can shoo them out to play to run off some energy for awhile, as well as the basement to FINALLY conceal... just a bit... the total disaster they are able to make in minutes. I'll try to be more diligent about finding the funny again in our everyday adventures, its there, my brains just been to tired to remember it :)

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I find it strangely appropriate that my friend Melissa wrote a blog about "Hard Walls, Hard Heads", literally hours before I listened to an awesome message about "Finding my Purpose", at church Sunday morning.

I have been banging my head against a wall for sometime now, trying to determine what my purpose in life is.... But in one weekend, I think my efforts have paid off (just a little)... My HARD head, finally broke through the wall!

Time for a little self reflection.....

I often feel like telling someone I'm an extrovert, is akin to convincing them the sky is in fact blue... I imagine them thinking something like "thank you captain obvious", while they smile politely and nod. So, to a self proclaimed extrovert, you can imagine the physical pain it causes me being tethered to a desk in the confines of my bedroom, for ~8hours a day, with spans of multiple days were my farthest reach to the outside world is a walk to the pool with the boys.

(Insert silent... or not so silent... scream....Followed by: Wooooooosaaaaaaa...)

O.k. I'm feeling better.

I kept bringing it before God, on EVERY 'Expecting' card my church would hand out... I'd write "Guidance for a new career path", in prayer throughout the day, I know he knew my petition. I couldn't accept that God would put someone he's wired SO obviously to be with people, in a corner.... I mean "Nobody puts Baby in the Corner" ;).

This weekend it struck me... God's not 'Nobody' (or even just somebody) he IS "I Am".... and Baby still has some growing up to do.

I was a non-confrontational people pleaser, who craves acceptance... That's a dangerous statement people, and the truth of the matter is, "I was" is still dangerously close to "I am". God know's this.... He also knows, as a good parent, occasionally he needs to step in and protect us from ourselves... In my case, get me to shut up long enough by sticking me in 'the hole' as I've affectionately named my room, so I can learn to hear his voice over my own.

He will fulfill his purpose in me. There is no other reason I can think of for him pulling us up out of Austin, and planting us in this AWESOME faith filled community of believers. He know's my heart is to be with people, but he alone will know when I'm ready to face confrontation and stand firm in his acceptance, not compromising my faith for the acceptance of those around me. Until then, he has surrounded me with some of the strongest believers I've ever met, whom separately are inspirational in their own right, but collectively.... There just aren't words for what their capable of... you'd have to experience it yourself to believe it.

The way I look at it now... God's version of solitary confinement has gotten a LOT better over the years... Moses had sheep... for 40 years (I really hope my head isn't THAT hard)... I've gotten to meet some amazing people and work out of my home while my boys are growing. While I'm still acting a little petulant, hoping I can get out early on good behavior :), I'm at peace that my time here isn't about the spreadsheets and e-mails I can tick off, its about all I'm learning in spite of that.

I think Brandon Heath said it best "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans he's made for me. I'll have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet.... He's not finished with me yet".

***If your interested in watching the video podcast for the "Finding your Purpose" message, you can go to the following link, I think it should be posted out there by Tuesday/Wednesday at the latest: DC Metro Church Video Podcasts for "Vintage" Series. ***

Nap Time.... Thanks God

Whoever made the comment "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" either didn't have small children, was an atheist, or manic depressive at their inability to achieve cleanliness.

I'm actually disgusted with myself, as I choose to write this blog over picking up the crumbled granola bar on my kitchen floor. Why didn't I just pick it up? Because I did, about 10 minutes ago, and somehow its back there again?!?

It's nap time, so I will pick it up...again... before the tiny tornado's wake up and I usher them quickly outside in my feeble attempt at preserving a clean house for the 2 minutes Kevin will see it when he walks through the door. Exactly two minutes after that, you will never have been able to tell I spent the better part of their 2 hour nap putting this place back together.

It's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to clean while their awake... This proven today as I tried to re-stack the books that Logan had pulled off the bookshelf, only to have him realize what I'd done, so he could return to the scene of the crime and do it again. Prior to that, I'd asked Caleb to stop dragging a plastic ball around the floor, because he was dragging it through the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Logan had pulled apart, and then thrown face down on the floor (which I was in the process of cleaning up). Instead of stopping, he continues with the action while asking "why does this bother you?"

-Deep Breath- (He's still pulling it around the floor)

I ask him to stop moving so I can show him, he drags the ball (still on the floor) over to where I am,-Deep Breath- , and I show him the trail of PB&J that is now running the width of his most recent track. "Daddy let's me do this". I'm sure this is a boldface lie, and since we are working on lying right now, I ask him if he's telling me the truth. "I don't want to tell you".

-Deep Breath-... Followed by silent prayer.... (or maybe it was a lamentation) "Dear God, this child is yours, can I get a little help here?"

Nap time.... Thanks God.

A Day in the Life of Me

I couldn't decide if I should title this post, "Adventures in Dining Out" or simply "Motherhood", as I realized my 'evidence' corroborated the first, but my 'experience' .... it could have been any day... anywhere... it just happened to get caught on camera at a restaurant. I found it rather amusing that my experience tailed so closely on the recent drama over kids being 'banned' from a restaurant. It didn't change my opinion on the ban, I think an overall ban might be extreme, but there are parameters, setting dining hour guidelines, that I think could be enforced to the betterment of all. Example, before 7pm all are welcome, afterward limiting it to an above age limit: giving fellow parents more sympathetic co-patrons to share their evening meal with, but allowing those looking for a certain ambiance, and relaxation to enjoy their meal as well.

Parents... We don't get ambiance anymore. There is no 'mood' lighting, or polite conversation being had in the company of toddlers and infants, maybe as they grow... I'm still waiting for that. What I get is more of a strobe light effect, if the light switch is within reach, and by way of polite, I get "Excuse me" from Caleb incessantly while he attempts to interrupt ANY conversation that does not include him. He's in his chair, and back out, on my lap, back down... Logan has taken to standing in his highchair after wriggling his legs free of the belt, an impending swan dive to the floor seems almost imminent now.

From the outside looking in, I could imagine an onlooker judging what would appear to be an utter lack of control. What that spectator wouldn't understand is I've already run the gamut of disciplinarian actions trying to 'mold' my boys into beacons of decorum. We've spanked, bribed, placed in time-out, gone without meals, sat for literally hours (I think 3 is the upper limit now) waiting for a plate to be cleared, We've scolded, praised, and everything that could possibly be in between... to no avail. I want to break bad habits, not his spirit, so I've retreated to regroup until I come up with some ingenious parenting move he won't see coming.

These antics aren't reserved for meal times though, as a 'ban' at restaurants would imply. I'm a jungle gym practically anywhere. Their energy knows no bounds, at least none I've discovered, and their curiosity and imagination is ENDLESS. I've come to the cross roads where I can either listen to myself harp on every little thing, essentially crushing their spirit, or I can let them push the bounds I would like to see them operate in, saving my strength to reign them in on their truly death defying stunts. Until I find that ingenious parenting move they've yet to discover, I'm opting for the latter.

To illustrate.... An action sequence....

Caleb had just sprinkled pepper on my arm, and as an alligator was attempting to devour it. Logan was trying to give me a zerbert, which he's recently learned, and also using my arm to pull himself up out of his chair. I had just discovered my mom was dying laughing as she caught this on camera.

This is my: I'm glad I can amuse you face, are you going to do anything to help me?

A brief respite... After the insanity subsides, what parent doesn't find them-self staring off into space, mind utterly blank, enjoying for a brief moment the lack of overwhelming stimuli. (Do take notice however of the toothpick that Caleb is using for his 'fork'.... this becomes important in the next picture)

Finally... The shot immediately after Caleb attempted to feed me off his toothpick... What had actually occurred: The toothpick came flying at my face with incredible speed and strength for a three year old, with no food on it, and once again I was grateful that God compromised my eye sight, and gave me an aversion for contacts, so my glasses could double as protective eye-wear.

***Notice all the while my left hand remains motionless in my attempt to use it as a barricade against Logan's escape attempts.... ahhhhh a picture of peacefulness and rest :) *****

Thanks mom for capturing "A day in the life of Me" :)

We're Moving!!!

I wish you could see it right now!

I've been picturing it all day, dreaming of furniture lay-outs, walks to the park, playdates, and backyard BBQ's!

It's beautiful, all ~1300sq ft. of it, and it feels like the Taj Ma Jal next to our current humble abode.

I'm going to have a dishwasher again, and my very own washer and dryer right in the basement...

I'M GOING TO HAVE A BASEMENT... AND an UPSTAIRS!!!

After reading the above, you would think I had been living in a van down by the river or something for the last year, that is not actually the case. We were truly spoiled by location here, and that's what made this past house hunt so arduous. I couldn't just give up all the cool stuff that was a stone's throw away just for the cookie cutter townhome or single family 5-10 miles further out in suburbia. I've actually been looking for months now, so I knew what a rare gem I had found the second it popped up on Craig's List. It still surprised me that a mere 2 days later he had over 30 interested parties, 24 lined up to see the property, and 19 that made it through with approved applications.

I would really like to pin this on our amazing good looks, winsome charm, well played humor, and obvious humility ;) (hehehe), but I did probably have upwards of 100 people praying about our housing situation, and particularly my love affair with this one property. So, to give credit where credit is due: Thank you to all my amazing prayer warriors! You guys ROCK, apparently we tipped the cup on this one!!!

For those of you who read this and are near... get ready for some great Game Nights and Metro Groups a la Alspaugh Abode! For those that are far, we've officially removed any barrier from your coming to visit us... You no longer have to sleep in the bathtub. We are less than 5 minutes from the airport, and have an entire basement with its own FULL bath... That's right, this baby has TWO full baths! So pack your bags, and claim your weekend, cause visiting the Nation's Capital just got one hotel's charge cheaper**!!!

**disclaimer** Given Caleb's propensity to hurl himself of any piece of furniture in his attempt to master the art of flying, and Logan's desire to communicate as often as possible in what can only be described as pure gibberish, we make no guarantee's as to the peacefulness of said visit, only that you'll have a freaking awesome time catching up with us!

Back from the Future

My household officially has its first i-device (ipod, ipad, iphone, etc...). For Kevin's birthday I headed to the Apple store, for my first time, to pick him up an ipod touch... it was quite an experience.

When I walked in I was astonished at how many people were in there, I was certain I had missed some big announcement about a newly minted ibot or something. Within moments I was surrounded by, what I have now termed, smurfs, as they were all adorned in matching blue t-shirts and all scurried over, milliseconds upon my arrival to see how they could assist me.

I told Papa Smurf, the official looking one at the front of the pack with his headset on, that I was looking for an i- (pause pause pause... while I tried to remember if it was the pod or pad I needed to say) pod touch. He snapped his fingers (or mumbled something into his headset), and the pod smurf quickly emerged from the pack, leading me through the fray.

He started in on the sales pitch, but they all looked the same to me... and let's be honest, a difference of 8Gb vs. 32Gb amounts to a pile a beans to me. I have no idea how big songs, movies, pictures translate to in the Gb world... so I went with the 8Gb, and then just double checked on the return policy so if my resident techie needed 32Gb's I could exchange it.

He left me there amongst the throngs of people playing with all the demo's to grab my ipod, and when he returned I asked if something had recently launched, bringing all the customers in. He replied that it's always like this... people just come in and will stay for hours checking their facebook, playing with the apps, etc... I looked at him a bit incredulous... thinking so this is the 2011 vs. of the roller rink then huh? "Hey mom, can you drop me off at the Apple store, I wanna play Angry Birds with Susie".... Weird.

Then it really got weird.

He took his own Ipod touch off his hip and scanned my ipod... I felt violated.

Me: "What are you doing?"

"Checking you out".... (again violated... ;)... just kidding)

"How?"

Instead of a responding to that answer he asked for my credit card... I stared at him slightly dumbfounded, but a quick glance around the store quickly indicated there was no 'check out counter', so I fished it out of my purse and handed over my card.

Me: "What are you doing?"

"Running your card"

"How?"

Again... Instead of answering he holds his phone up to me and asks me to sign his screen with my fingernail?!? A bit leery that I was giving him full access to my bank account or something, I follow up with, "Does that thing give me a receipt too?"

"Sure does"

"How is this possible? I guess its fairly obvious this is my first time in an Apple store huh?"

He responds with "Welcome to the future"... which felt very appropriate since I certainly felt I'd been through some sort of time warp.

He handed me my receipt, and my newly purchased Ipod... and then gave me a slightly perplexed look.

Smurf: "To activate this product you are going to have to connect it to a computer."

Me: "Yes, I realize I haven't instilled much confidence in you that I'm not gonna run home to milk Besse and churn some butter for the evening meal... but this is for my husband, and he's more than capable at figuring all this out."

The clouds cleared from his face, he smiled, thanked me for coming in, congratulated me on my purchase, and I headed out to my car... somewhat ashamed at how thankful I was to still only have to manage the CD player in my car to listen to my favorite tunes!

Yay for Honeymoons!

Delayed Honeymoons Rock! I'm just sayin. For 7 years any vacation time we had was earmarked for trips back to Michigan, since our time with family was few and far between. The wait was worth it!

To say I was getting a little antsy, spending pretty much day in/out here with the boys working and keeping to their schedules over the past year, would be a vast understatement. Within about 15 minutes of returning from church on Father's Day Sunday we'd whipped all our things into a bag, profusely expressed our undying gratitude to Kevin's parents, kissed the boys, and dashed out the door. I was delirious with excitement before we'd even made it down our street... if my seat belt hadn't been securely fastened, its likely I would have bounced right out of the car.

I had checked the forecast prior to leaving and was a little nervous with the 6 straight days of forecasted thunderstorms, but was gonna leave that up to God, and not let it 'rain' on my parade. Seeing how he showed up, in such an amazing way on our trip, was one of the best parts of the entire week... having the reminder that he's concerned with something as trivial as whether or not it rains on my vacation.... My favorite example... we woke up in NYC, walked to breakfast with blue sky and sun, ate and came back out to the same weather... the only difference was that when we came out the pavement and all the cars were thoroughly soaked. That seemed to happen over and over again... if we needed to be out, the sun was there and when an activity brought us in doors that's when the rains came... it was crazy how perfectly it was all timed.

The majority of our trip was documented through my mobile uploads on Facebook... hitting Rehoboth Beach first, then catching the Ferry to Atlantic City, trying out my first Casino... yeah still not too big on gambling... I was at the lowest minimum table for Black Jack and these two guys walked up and both lost $500 in 15 minutes... I would have started crying, begged for my money back saying I was mentally unstable, and then likely puked if they had refused that plea... These guys just walked to the next table to see if they had better luck... Crazy! We didn't win much, but we didn't lose much either, and I take breaking even as a win in 'gambling' world, so I was happy. We then headed to NYC.

NYC was and wasn't what I had expected. Time square seemed much smaller, the neighborhoods that I had 'glamorized' in my head; Tribeca, Soho, Greenwich Village, etc.. weren't really all that glamorous. Central park was awesome, and the city was fast paced, and impersonal... which was when I knew I could never live there... I'm FAR to personable. This statement made abundantly clear when I walked up to three random women and asked them if they'd like to join Kevin and I, along with Kevin's brother and some other buddies so I could have some girl talk amidst all of their boy boredom. They quickly agreed, interested in meeting the other 3 good looking guys I was with, but then continued to go on and on about how rare it was that I would just come up and talk to them... Clearly they didn't know who they were dealing with :).

After two VERY busy days of walking and seeing all I had really wanted to see, we decided to wrap our vacation relaxing back on the beach, and headed back toward Rehoboth. After an amazingly relaxing day on the beach on Friday, we decided to call it a success a night early and head back to relieve my AMAZING in-laws, and surprise the boys.

All in all it was amazing, I enjoyed EVERY second of it!! The time away was perfect to rest, refresh, and reflect on the awesomeness that is my life! I can't wait to see where it will take me next!

Today was Tough.... Tonight was Amazing

Today was tough. It started at 5am, I had 4 conference calls to make for work, I'm covering for a co-worker on vacation, and had no assistance with the boys. I had to try and coordinate Caleb's pre-school schedule, with Logan's naps, and my calls, which resulted in an early pick up from pre-school, and a late nap for Logan to ensure he slept through my call and I only had to flex the mute button in between Caleb's questions. Tack on to that the now 8th or 9th seizure for Caleb, (it makes me sad that I'm losing count), which instead of lasting the normal 3-5 minutes then pass out, lasted that, followed by at least a half hour of screaming and disorientation for my little man. Yes... Today was tough.

After the screaming and disorientation gave way to sleep, I was getting some work done when a friend of mine, and co-worker, reached out via I.M.. Eventually the inevitable question, "how's the kiddos'" surfaced, and I explained that Caleb had been diagnosed with Epilepsy. It was the first time I really accepted that as the diagnosis. Up until now I've been holding out hope that the last one was just that... the last one... that we wouldn't have to pursue the medication route, but seconds after Caleb was asleep I'd already called the Dr. and asked about our EEG results and if she could call in a second prescription. (***You don't have to call/text/message me about the results, she didn't have them yet, but was calling the lab and would call me back tomorrow. I WILL keep you all posted when we know something, and I DO appreciate your prayers).

During the midst of my conversation with my friend she mentioned how 'strong' I was, exclaiming she would be an absolute wreck, that she wouldn't be able to handle it, too which I assured her 'you would find a way'. Her comment set forth a train of thought though, one that's taken quite a few years to finally reach its destination.

I learned really early on that emotion holds little value. If I wanted something, I needed to bring facts, logic, and impartiality (or one heck of a poker face) to the table. Any display of emotion would at best dock me a few points, at worse set me back further than I started. For a long time I thought this void of emotion made me somehow sub-human... well maybe just sub-girl. I viewed the meltdowns others had as cathartic, they could at least process their emotions and move on. If I'm being honest, I also craved a bit of the attention that accompanied such visible emotions. I could be screaming on the inside, 'hey you have NO idea how much this hurts right now', but without the display to accompany it, no one saw much to comfort. It still shocks me how easily people accept 'fine' as an answer, its like you can hear an audible "phew" coming from them as they whisk past to carry on with their lives. For me, any feeling I had would just enter a spin cycle, I'd go over and over it in my head pick it apart and put it back together, just to do it again. I was sure I was crazy, or at least on the fast track there.

Tonight I have peace that I'm not crazy. I know the story of my life has gotten me to this place to take care of my special little man in a way that only I can. I can only imagine what Caleb goes through during his seizures is traumatic enough. While there are NO words to describe what I feel, I believe that when he comes to, with a calm mama whispering to him that everything will be alright and holding him securely, his soul can find rest.

Tonight, after an impossibly long day, I find encouragement in my faith. That I can rest without worrying about what's going to happen next, because ultimately I have no control over it. I may NEVER understand somethings, but believe everything does happen for a reason, and if we can remain open minded we might someday understand.

Tonight, I'm reminded that we are all beautifully and wonderfully made... and DIFFERENT. I'm reminded that how I process things doesn't make me crazy, but that everyone processes life differently, and we were designed to, for our own unique purposes.

Tonight, as I accept Caleb's diagnosis, I can remain thankful for all my blessings. I'm thankful for the awesome little dude he is, and I'm thankful that with this diagnosis we are lucky enough to have such infrequent episodes, that on a scale measuring severity by episodes occurring multiple times within an hour or day, that we've experienced under 10 in 10 months. Yet I remain fervent in my prayer that every one IS the last one, that the medicine we pursue doesn't change one amazing little personality, but that its effective, and by this time next year this is nothing but a distant memory.

Tonight I go to sleep with a profound respect for an amazing God, and remain hopeful that he hears the prayers of many.

Today was tough... Tonight was amazing.

Thought's of an Insomniac.... :)

I love my husband. I count my blessings daily that he is mine. That being said, the jealousy I feel toward him due to his innate ability to be asleep milliseconds after his head touches the pillow is hard to quantify. I've heard from multiple woman their husbands possess similar qualities, and take some solace knowing my plight is shared. However, on the sleepless nights that last longer than most, there's still a tiny part of me that wants to play the 'ol sleep over pranks on the poor unsuspecting soul that fell asleep first.

I've determined I'm likely an insomniac... the fact that multiple times a week it can take upwards of 2+ hours to actually fall asleep isn't normal. I would like to use these extra hours to DO something when I can't sleep, but when you know "The Truth about 768sq ft", you understand that after me and the big guy have hashed over just about everything I can think of, I've come up with the grocery shopping list for the week in my head, worried about things that haven't happened and then prayed some more to the big guy that they never will, and then written and re-written this blog in my head 10 times, the only thing left to do is sit in the dark living room and write it out in the hopes that not re-writing it for the 11th time in my head will help me fall-asleep.

It doesn't help matters, or quell my urge to dip his hand in a bowl of warm water, when Kev tells me I can just train my body to sleep like him, that its really not that hard, I just need to focus. Really Kev? Really? How bout you remind me of that when you wake up in a labyrinth of twine, feathers, and honey..... Idea courtesy of the Parent Trap... The REAL Parent Trap (i.e. the Haley Mills edition... not the Lindsay Lohan edition).

I've tried focus... I used to say rosary's on repeat, until the repetitiveness would wear me out... count backwards from 100, but my mind would always wander to a tangent somewhere in the 60's and I'd have to start over. I'd continue to ask God to just let me fall asleep, and then midway through that conversation, I'd be on another tangent. I've tried a couple different sleeping pills, but then listened to too many crazy side affect stories to want to stay on them too long... Sure, some nights exhaustion finally wins out and I can be asleep 10-15 minutes after we get in bed, but those are much fewer and farther between.

So, I'll head back to bed... Stare for an extended moment in jealousy at my peacefully sleeping husband, who never quite understands why I'm so lethargic in the morning when we 'went to bed at the same time', and start my routine over from the top. On a side note... one of the many positives of the new phone I've got now is not only can I check Facebook when all else fails, but now that I've found Angry Birds, I've got one more thing to do when I'm silently 'sleeping'.

Two Peas from the Same Pod??? We'll see :)

I used to wonder how it was possible that me and my sisters came from the same parents... our personalities are SO different. However, after seeing all the minute differences there have been between Caleb's first year on this planet and Logan's, I've got a better appreciation for how all this might have transpired.

When I think back to Caleb's first year, and how diligent I was with following all the 'guidelines': when to introduce foods, how to introduce foods, how long to practice tummy time, exposure to T.V., focused play time, sleeping schedules, etc... It contrasts sharply with Logan's first year. The fact that I tossed him a Fig Newton without a second thought at 8 months to naw on, and that his 'focused play' is generally centered around my being focused enough to avert a scream before Caleb pounces on him. Caleb got to 'cry it out' around 3 months, while Logan's screams during the night got me out of bed immediately to silence them before they woke Cubby. Logan has had his mama with him just about every day since birth, where as Caleb got me undiluted for the first 12 weeks, but then had to manage the transition to Day Care for the next two years.

All these tiny differences, in the grand scheme of things seem inconsequential. Both boys have a mom and dad who love them dearly and tell them daily. Yet, I believe it's these differences that are ultimately shaping their little personalities, and it's SO interesting to see. Caleb still wants to be entertained. He had our undivided attention, and he still wants it... and isn't afraid to let us know that. Logan, is an independent little free spirit. He LOVES to find his own things to do, and would LOVE it even more if we'd give him free range to do it... however until he learns that the toilet bowl is not his personal 'water table', and that cupboards are closed for a reason, I have to keep somewhat of a close eye on him.

I can't wait to see how these differences develop further over the next year... especially as we get into the fun stage of actually communicating, and understanding each other with Logan. These past couple years with Cub have been the best, where we move PAST the blob stage and can actually start experiencing life together! It's definitely reinforced my original thoughts on my "Mom Evolution"... While I do want to still try for my girl, and possibly even another after that, I've accepted the fact that being the mom to the sub one crowd is not my forte. I love some of the aspects of it... the snuggling is unsurpassed for SURE, but on the whole... I just don't get into following the structure of schedules, making the baby food, the diapers, the sleepless nights, or the NURSING... Talk about the mother of all schedule limitations!

Some women are able to look at all of it as a glorious adventure, and like I said, parts of 0-1 are... but on a whole, if I'm being honest, I look at it as a necessary evil... something to endure that forges that everlasting bond with the child for all you put into making it through. So I'll continue to keep my eye on the prize of a big family, with siblings close in age to enable those life long bonds, and keep on trucking through the insanity that accompanies these younger years!