The Great Healthcare Debate... no not Obama's... mine

Why does health care have to be the BIGGEST pain in the butt!?! I want to find a good (dare I say it... great) Internist. I just learned this word today. Apparently its a fancy word for Doctor that specializes in overall adult care... we find pediatricians for our babes, and apparently 'Internists' are for the parents. In my research, this was better than finding an overall 'Family Care Provider' or 'General Practioner', because those Dr's have to know very little about everything from Diaper Rash to early onset Alzheimer's.... Instead I'll stick with Pediatricians specializing in all things to do with my babes, and find an Internist that is schooled in the art of identifying and addressing the issues that plague us as we age.

I found a great one.... I REALLY want to go to her. All of the information about the practice was how it specializes in treating the whole patient, mind, body, and soul through a collection of homeopathic and natural treatments. Don't worry peeps, I'm not going all woooosaaaa on you, my soul is covered, and quite healthy, as I have THE Great Physician taking care of things on that front... and he's free.... if only the rest could be that good! However, the natural, homeopathic methods for treating ailments is right up my alley. They're approach is a minimum of an hour initial visit to understand the patient and their needs, and do a full work up to understand what they're working with. It's not even on the same playing field as 99.9% of the other options out there, that will allow the nurse to weigh you, check your blood pressure, then sit you in a room for 10 minutes while you wait for a Doc... who will work with you for all of MAYBE 10 minutes prior to giving you some off the cuff diagnosis and moving on, possibly offering half a dozen pill popping prescriptions as your door prize for your trouble.... but then again you may have to wait for the 2nd or 3rd visit to actually get those.

So what am I complaining about.... why don't I just go to this wonderful woman?!? She is out of network, because the work they provide doesn't gel with the billing practices of Insurance companies that pay by how many patients you're able to see in an hour. God forbid you see ONE patient in an hour... Well actually God didn't forbid that at all.... these money grubbing insurance companies did! Grrrrrrr!!!!! The initial visit without insurance is $235.... yes QUITE a bit steeper than the $10 copay to grin and bear the machine that is in-network healthcare.

So now I'm torn. I want quality... this is my health we are talking about. For any I may have concerned that I'm dying or something with this post... rest assured, as far as I know I'm perfectly healthy. I would just like to stay that way, and am trying to find that ONE Dr. I feel comfortable sticking with that would actually be intelligent and diligent enough to identify something if it should come up in the future. Do I pay the steep price for the practice that matches what I'm looking for.... or continue taking my chances that in a 10 minute meeting once a year, some random Doc's gonna be able to tell me with any level of accuracy if something is actually wrong?

It would appear as though I answered my own question. The hiccup is I'm healthy, why mess with a good thing? If I thought there was something to find, I wouldn't blink at that price tag, but when I've been blessed with health for 29.5 years and paid nothing for it, my brain doesn't understand the logic of paying that kind of money, when a different Dr. could give me the same physical for a fraction of the cost.

What to do? The Great Debate continues....

Remembering Who I Am

This is a midnight post, even if my dumb time stamp doesn't ever record properly, so I warn you in advance... this is Julie 'unplugged'... It may not make sense, it probably won't flow, but I had a lot in my head I wanted to get out so I could go to sleep :)

Did anyone watch Private Practice tonight? I did, and one of the story line sequences stuck with me. The story line was of this woman, she was in a car accident just before learning she was pregnant and couldn't retain any memory since the accident, not even a conversation occurring moments before, or the fact she was pregnant... despite a growing belly. For anyone that saw that Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler Movie... pretty much the same thing, only were Drew could remember everything until she slept again, this women couldn't remember past 2-3 minutes.

So I was at Sisterhood tonight (did ya' like that transition... yeah sleepy time), they did their first annual Night of Pink, a night bringing awareness to Breast Cancer and honoring supporting any and all who are impacted by it, the ladies who set up knocked it outta the park, looked amazing! Anyway, Taryn get's up and starts in on her message... (sidebar... I love how real Taryn is, and that she's willing to share her 'hot mess' moments with us, especially when those speak directly to every insecurity I hold about being a mom.) Right...back to the message... It was about "Remember who we are, Remember who God is, and Remember all that he still has to do through us".

Go back with me now to the Private Practice episode that came on 15 minutes after I got home from hearing that message. Guess who feels like the lady in the car accident with a 2 minute recall button now?!?

Seriously people, my dementia is BAD... I think there might be a slight touch of adult ADHD in there to (I know... massive shocker to so many of you) which doesn't help matters. Yes, I know my name, and all my memories are still in tact.... but most days I honestly feel like I could be walking around and someone could be telling me "You are a cherished daughter of God, loved beyond all comprehension, and capable of anything" and two minutes later (or less some days) I could look back at them blankly and say "huh?"

It mirrors so closely to the story line, because I can draw up pretty much ANY pre-believing (or pre-accident as the storyline goes) memory with ease.... and dwell there for as long as I want (or usually don't want).... but after... if I don't have my reminders telling me who I am and what that means, I can forget all to easily. It reinforces to me JUST how important the community you are surrounded with is. When I'm away from a strong message for too long, I feel it.... If I'm surrounded by negativity or negative influences, I feel it.... Heck if I'm by MYSELF for too long... and I don't force my mind to retain my new memories, the old ones come in, take hold, and it can be quite the fight in my brain for whose gonna win that one. (Yes, there are quite often voices in my head, but I seem to be a functioning psychotic, so let's keep the straight jackets put away just for a little while, shall we?).

Well that's it... That was my big Ah-ha moment of the night that I had to get out of my head so it didn't keep spinning. Luckily now that I have an image in my head, of my so called 'dementia', I can use some of the tactics they employed to battle it... Constant reminders, posted everywhere, at every turn, reminding me who I am and what that means.

Now if I can JUST remember to do that in the morning.... wait... what was I saying again.... Goodnight all!

Loving the Mess

Caleb came to my room last night, around midnight, and in a very small quiet voice asked if he could snuggle. Given the rather raucous noises my nose has been making the past few nights, Kevin had opted to sleep down stairs, so I told Caleb he could climb in but that I'd have to take him back to his bed in a bit.

We snuggled, his tiny warm body curled right into mine, and his little hand resting on my arm. I was loving every second of it, but knew I could not sleep like this, so started to stir with the intent of moving him back to his bed. He gripped my hand, and with his lower lip jutted out and a slight quiver to his voice said, "No mommy, please let me stay here, I don't want the big man to get me."

This, of course, sent about a million alarms ringing in my head, and I had to fully vet it out. So we started down the line of questioning on what big man, when did he get you, what in the world are you talking about... After learning that this big man had apparently been at the park when Logan and I had been with him (of which I could definitely confirm had not happened in reality), I was slightly at ease this had only occurred in dreamland. However, real or not, no big man was going to be getting my son that night, so he had secured his spot next to me for the remainder of the night. I didn't get much sleep, as I had predicted, but I did enjoy every minute snuggling my little man.

Three and a half years into this parenting thing and I still can't seem to get a pulse on how quickly situations change when it comes to kids.... I mean the day before you have a kid, you can't imagine what your life will look like with them in it... then seconds after you meet them, you can't imagine life without them. One minute your calmly answering the 3000th "why" of the day, or bouncing the screaming baby, and the next second you snap in frustration, then just as quickly lapse into the horrible mama guilt for having not held your cool. Or, last night, I plan cuddle for a few minutes waiting for the comfort of my own bed to fall asleep, and moments later I could care less about staying up all night as the protector of all things seen and unseen.

It shocks me how many times my perspective shifts in one day, I can't keep up. One minute I'm thinking, this is the LONGEST season of my life, will my house NEVER be clean again, will the dependence never end... Then I'll get a hug, hear an "I love you Mama", or snuggle away a nightmare and wonder how many more times I'll have the power to chase away the bad with a hug. How long will this season last, where he'll run up and hug me for no reason and tell me how much he loves me, where he'll walk up to strangers in the grocery store, stick out his hand introduce himself, and ask that stranger "How's your day?". I love the fact the season of sweetness is extended as Logan nips at Caleb's heels, and think of having another to extend the sweetness even further.... then I cringe thinking of all the insanity that would ensue with another.

While I haven't gotten a pulse on how suddenly, and seemingly without provocation, my moods can shift.... I am SLOWLY learning how to adjust to this dichotomy no one told me to expect when having children. I used to struggle with the Love/Hate relationship... Loving my children, hating the mess.... Loving my children, hating the whining.... Loving my children, hating the sleeplessness/exhaustion. In the last week or so though, I've stumbled across enough blogs, articles, etc... that have shifted my perspective. I could avoid the mess, the whining, and the sleeplessness.... but then I wouldn't have my kids.

I'm thinking about having that last line creatively drawn/stenciled and hung someplace in my house as a daily reminder.... cause Lord knows I need to be reminded of it daily! I'm trying to love the mess, and the whining, and the sleeplessness, because loving that is loving the fact my kids are here in this sweet stage. So I'm gonna go love (well try... well maybe I'll start off by not hating... how about just enjoying... is that possible?) the laundry, and dishes, and dinner making, and cleaning the pee up from all around the toilet because my dear sweet boy still turns his whole body when looking anywhere other than directly forward. But hey, he's outta diapers, so gotta love that right!

Blog Therapy :)

I'm an affirmation junkie. It's true. Say something nice about me, and I'm pretty much putty in your hands! Case in point, the sales lady at Smooch, lathering on the compliments about how good the blood red lipstick/liner combo looked on me. Two minutes later I had spent $49 on a lipstick combo... FORTY NINE DOLLARS.... on LIPSTICK. Literally seconds after I walked out of the store, reality set in. I'm not a Blood Red lipstick kinda girl, nor do I spend that kind of money on lipstick! Yes, I was going for that 'vintage' look for Rebecca's wedding make-up, but the other 364 days of the year, that color would reside securely in one of my purse pouches, never again seeing the light of day!

I sheepishly had to walk back into the store 15 minutes later, and acknowledge that after trying on a couple different shirts with my new look, I hadn't actually been able to look at the shirt once, cause my eyes were glued to my lips, and I just couldn't take it. Luckily the 'no return policy' didn't apply to purchases that were only in your possession for 15 minutes, but suffice it to say the affirmations about me that had so recently been POURING out of her own lips had quickly dried up into a thin line of tightly pursed lips as she struggled through the return.

I've been blogging for going on 2 years now, sometimes more consistently than others :). I do it mostly for me, as an outlet for the insanity that resides in my head, but being the junkie I am, its fun knowing other people read it and enjoy it from time to time as well. My dream job would definitely be writing full time. What would I write... who knows... maybe just blogs, but it would be awesome to get paid for basically just having a conversation on paper, cause let's face it.... I love to talk even more than I love to write.

I find no coincidence in my blogging activity picking up at about the same time as my adult conversational hours took a rapid nose dive! Yes, shortly before welcoming #2 and the subsequent months that followed were some of my most regular posting months. Why? Because after satisfying Caleb's 11'dy billion word per day quota, and listening to the incessant chatter of Logan as background noise, being able to have a one sided conversation, where the background noise was silence is perfection! It's like my own personal shrink couch, without the hourly fee!

From the sheer number of mommy blogs out there, I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one who has discovered and is now shamelessly exploiting this form of free therapy. They always say what women crave most is someone to listen to them, without heaping unsolicited advice at them. Cha-ching... jackpot baby, this is it! You can tell yourself, the whole world is listening (even if logic tries to rain on your parade and convince you, that likely only a small percentage of those following you are actually listening, so for me, that might be one person), and then when you want advice, you can tailor the responses you find to those that suit your season of life, beliefs, etc.... by leafing through a few fellow blogs until you find a writer that speaks to you. For example, I follow a few close friends whose stories, struggles, crazy life moments affirm that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, in the thick of this thing called life. I also follow a few 'inspirational' writers that I don't personally know, but whose writing style and stories inspire me to try harder, do better, and believe that it's possible.

I'm still trying to find that fine line between reading/writing about life and actually living it :). Hopefully some of my ramblings can be free couch therapy to another, and you can be assured, that you are no crazier than me!

Comfort in the Catch-Up

Ahhhh, the peace and quiet of home. There really is nothing quite like it. Kids have been in bed for going on 4 hours now, Kevin headed there about three hours ago himself(I need to go to bed). I'm alone and its silent. I watched a missed pod-cast from church last Sunday, then caught up on the blogs I like to follow, and then the thoughts started pouring in. Snip-its of conversations from last week, a picture of a face and then a memory that may have accompanied it from years ago, so I'm going with it, down memory lane.

Last week was awesome! A whirlwind week, that culminated with the wedding of my little sister, Rebecca. The wedding was amazing, they usually are, but when its someone within your immediate family, they are that much more special, because you know at least HALF, if not more of everyone in attendance. People who have known me for my entire life, had a hand in raising me, cousins I've played with and known for as long as I can remember, sisters standing side by side.

Sometimes its hard to believe I haven't lived there for going on 8 years now, but today, settling in back 'home', I feel those 8 years. Most of these people that I've 'known' my whole life, I don't KNOW anymore. Seeing them again satisfies the itch to feel like I still belong, they're still 'mine' and I'm their's.... but a few 15-20 minute rotating conversations, with participants tuning in/out, coming and going around us, isn't exactly the opportunity to figure out all the things I've missed. What's going on in their lives? Who are their people, and how are they doing? The conversations that can take an hour usually at minimum, and are best nurtured one on one, with a cup of tea, coffee, or cocoa (and no kids!)

What is it with family that make those conversations the ones that seem the most impossible to have? Is it the fact that we have all the history, the people interwoven through our lives are the same, and the memories we hold and the feelings they invoked do not always seem to be shared? That different points of view surrounding the events of our lives, end up more often as points of contention rather than conversation? With so many relational overlaps, is it fear that what we say to each other might not end there, and the reality that confirms it all to often doesn't? Or deep down, do we not really WANT to know or be known, because the last people we want to disappoint is our family....

There is a comfort in the catch-up. Yes, you still belong. Yes, you can still laugh at the hilarious memories you share, and affirm all the positives in your life, so that THOSE get passed around the family, and possibly touch on a more immediate struggle. There is the very real barrier of time/location to fall back on as an excuse for not going deeper, but is that all it is... an excuse? I wish I had the answers to all my questions... Wish I could be a pro at maintaining deep/meaningful long distance relationships. I always leave wondering if they know how much they mean to me, and usually feel a little guilty that they likely don't because I keep it just as light and easy.

Since there never seems to be 'the right time' for such conversations when I'm home, I figured rather than keeping the thought to myself, at least if I put it out here, ya'll would know. Whether it spurs a conversation in the future, or simply affirms the fact that I do care about you deeply and miss the chance at 'knowing' who you are now, I figured that's something. Know that I'm TRYING to figure out the right way to do this without being awkward, and that if I ask you some weird questions, it might be my 'attempt'... so try not to look at me like I've completely lost my mind :).

Love you guys... Despite any of our history, and our messy attempts at meddling, there is the undercurrent of love (there may have been a little loathing interspersed for good measure, but for the most part... love :) See ya'll at Christmas... maybe we'll have to have a cocoa date!!!

P.S. Congrats again Rebecca and Trav! Praying for ya'll to have an amazing marriage and life together, and so excited I will get to be a part of it for the long haul! Love you both!