Festivus of Flowers

Tulips, Blue Bonnets, and now Cherry Blossom's. It kinda makes me wonder what other places I could live that would create entire spring festivals, parades, fire works, you name it, simply in celebration of a flower? Is there someplace I could travel that would pay homage to the petunia, snap dragon, or hibiscus? Are there many other cities out there, where car loads of people will pull off along the side of a highway simply to capture their families next Christmas Card shot? Do other cities threaten jail time and substantial fines if their precious blossoms are bamboozled? (o.k. I just wanted an excuse to use that word).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the hype. I even perpetuated it for three years of high school as a Dutch Dancer in the Tulip Time parades. However, the motivation there was tainted by the 2+ weeks of excused absences we received for our efforts. I also enjoy all the photo ops that come from these naturally beautiful backdrops.

Case and Point:
Spring 2010 (Austin, Texas Blue Bonnets)


Spring 2011 (DC Cherry Blossom Festival):




One thing is for sure, DC is certainly giving my long held belief, that autumn is the best season, a run for its money! With a few 65+ degree days already this spring, beautiful tree's and so much to do and see, this is certainly the best place we've been to experience spring. Michigan was still thawing from an Ice Storm, and Texas is already seeing 80+ days.... Yes, I think I may have found the perfect latitude for experiencing the best every season has to offer!

I'm Tired.

I remember when I thought waking up at 8am was some kind of cruel and unusual punishment that surely was infringing on an inalienable right I held, though I couldn't find any documentation to prove it. I looked. I maintained this for a good 25 years.

Oh, how I miss waking for the first time at 8:00am. May 11th will mark my 3 year anniversary of not using an alarm clock to wake up.... not once.

I'm tired.

This is merely a statement of fact. What I'm trying to avoid is letting it become my excuse. You see, I've found it easy to be kind, generous, loving, etc... when I'm getting what I want, and what I want is sleep... What I have, are two tiny blessings God seems intent on using to point out my weakness... fatigue!

I find it both amazing and tragic that He knows me this well. That He knows the EXACT button to push that highlights my own hypocrisy. I can hide it well in social settings, but isn't that the definition of hypocrisy: "an expression of agreement without conviction". Sure, I agree I should treat people with a certain amount of love and respect, serving their needs over my own... but that only applies as long as I'm not tired right?!? I mean, I have two tiny humans with a personal mission to wake me up daily between 5-6am... and still find time to call out to me at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning with a bad dream, a need for water, tissue, a lost paci, and upset tummy... or simply a cough, sneeze, or merely sleep talking that still gets me up and out of bed, just to make sure they are o.k.. Surely that gives me some sort of get out of jail free card for lashing out at those I love most, for neglecting my responsibilities so I can mope, and serve my own interest with a nap over taking care of the things I've got to get done. (Don't get me wrong, there will always be a time and place for naps :)!

For any that may have been thinking I was getting too big for my britches (note.. there is an 'r' in there ;), with all my recent blog activity... welcome to my reality. While I have definitely been learning a ton over the past 6 months, I still have a LOOOOOOOOONG way to go... The frustrating thing is, I KNOW where to turn, yet I'm still not able to pause long enough to reflect on that prior to lashing out.

So here I sit... in a very real... and very tired state. Trying to figure out how I'm supposed to be 'growing', when the only thing that floods my brain is the overwhelming need to close my eyes... If anyone out there has found the trick to overcoming fatigue gracefully, when from sun-up to sun down there is a constant stream of stimuli, I'd love to hear about it.

P.S. Yes, I know I could have taken a nap instead of writing this blog, but then ya'll wouldn't know what you do now, and wouldn't be able to help me figure it out...

Letting Go... Letting God.

Tomorrow, my little man will head off to his first day of Pre-School. Tonight, my emotions are at war over this step... one small step for man kind, but one ENORMOUS leap of faith for a Mother.

Over the past 2.5 years, I've had the privilege and burden of being able to experience essentially every option us 'modern mother's' face. I've been the 'stay at home mom' (without working) for a total of 6 of those months. I was the 'day care drop mom', heading off to my 8-5 for ~18 months while Kevin finished up his degree at UT, and for the past 7 months now I've been a 'stay at home/working mom'.

I've had my heart ripped out, and had to drive away from it, sobbing all the way to work those first weeks leaving Caleb. I questioned everything, worried about everything, doubted everything... There were no two ways around it though... I was the insurance that tiny human needed should anything unforeseen occur, and so it went day after day for 18 months. Pictures and updates from a great provider helped assuage some of the guilt, but it didn't eliminate it.

When Kevin got his offer in Virginia and we thought that meant I was transitioning to a full time stay at home mom, I was excited (while still nervous) as to what that would mean... Would I be enough, could I handle all the demands day in/day out without losing my mind?!? So I doubted, and questioned, and worried. God knew my limits and stepped in, allowing me to, in my opinion have it ALL! For the past ~10 months I've been WITH my boys, if I couldn't see what was going on, I heard it... The mornings I just couldn't function from lack of sleep the night before, an angel would appear around 8am, and I could retreat to the peace and quiet of answering a few (hundred... blah) e-mails that didn't require entertaining. Yet, when I emerged from my funk a few hours later, a tiny hand would be slipping me a freshly minted picture under the door, to which a big kiss and hug would follow when I opened it up to express my delight! All the giggles, cry's, make believe games, crafts, etc... It's been amazing, and I'm so thankful to have been given this opportunity.

When our angel was called in a new direction, I knew I had gotten a little too comfortable with my cush situation, but struggled to figure out what MY new direction was supposed to be. There were two facts at odds with each other: I didn't want to give up my time with the boys and it is CRAZY expensive to live in this area, so giving up a flexible job didn't seem like the answer either.

With Logan still taking two naps a day, a morning Christian pre-school for Cub seemed to make the most sense. I reassured myself it was only 2 days a week, and 3 hours each day, that he would flourish with the stimulation and enjoy the socialization, and after continuing to pray for someone to continue coming around the house, I've found another 'angel' who can help fill in the other days.

However, now mere hour's from driving away from him again, the tears well up and the doubts resurface... but as they do, I'm reminded of a different Mother's face. My mom's. When she dropped me off on my first day of college, and again when I waved goodbye as Kevin maneuvered the moving truck toward Texas.
Tears are o.k. but my doubts are unwarranted. Tears remind us how deep our love for another runs, how they are part of our very being, a part of us we would not trust to just anyone.
My mom trusted God to take care of me, and he has time and time again. So I will place that same trust in him to protect my baby as I release some of the control, and pray that he will flourish.

A woman I look up to has a great saying, "Love Deeply, Hold Loosely", as its our responsibility to give back to God what is not ours hold... while the notion is noble, it doesn't make it any easier to execute!

"Believe in God"

I'm speechless.

It's going to be awfully hard to write a blog when you have no words... would be the next logical thought... instead, I'm staring at this blank page waiting to find the words, because how can I NOT blog about the most influential thing that has happened to me in a VERY long time!

If you've been keeping up with my Blog at all in the past few months, you are becoming keenly aware of my adoration with the church home we've found. If this bother's or offends you, or tends to illicit what I'll call 'hater' thoughts... you may want to check out now, cause this one is gonna take the cake!

I was raised to "Believe in God". Why the quotations? Because to me, for a long time, it was always that way because someone else 'said so'.... I quoted the prayers that were written for me to say, I gave the right answers in Catechism, I followed the rules... well.... most of them... or tried to anyway... most of the time :) And I thought that was it.... despite the fact I was never satisfied, and had incredibly low self-esteem... but I figured who doesn't have low self-esteem in H.S, and didn't think much else beyond that.

I started going to Young Life in H.S., because that's where the cool kids were going, and I desperately wanted to be cool.... The weird thing was, I listened while I was there, and started making friends with some of the leaders, and went to some of the camps... and couldn't help but think... hey these people are different.... I wonder why? I didn't really pursue the thought much further from that because, well... my hanging out there, or my growing out of my DESPERATELY Long awkward phase... FINALLY resulted in me getting pulled into "The cool crowd", and I promptly forget all other aspects of life in general (including being a good friend/person/etc). The remaining 2 years of H.S. and college passed in a fun blur, and despite having a large network of 'friends', I moved to Texas, with really only Kevin as my best friend, and had fallen out of touch with essentially everyone else after there wasn't a party scene keeping us together.

We found our church in Texas, and friends there, and I was reminded how different life looked for a group of leaders I had met long ago, and how those camps during the summers would change my life briefly to the way I wanted it to be. So we started to attend, and slowly my heart started to change... the have to's, and should's started to fall away and were replaced with the want to's. The friendships lasted LONG past Saturday night, and they became part of my life. The long held belief that faith was just a hypocritical sham, started to chip away, as I realized it wasn't at all about PRETENDING to be perfect... it was embracing the fact that we aren't, nor ever will be, and living happily with the imperfections that surround us.

Then we moved here. Since we've arrived, my carefully crafted comfort zones have been pushed, probed, and stretched to what I originally thought would have been a breaking point, and I'm elated to discover that I'm growing into the room all this stretching has made!
The biggest jump yet, was when one of the leaders at the church asked if I wanted to be a co-small group leader.... I thought that was rather hilarious... and told her my concerns... "Um, I've never done something like this. I don't really have that great of knowledge of the bible. Don't people have to be better than me to be asked to do this kinda of thing? You really want ME to lead someone?!?" I obviously have/had some serious reservations, and I thought she was a little/lot crazy, but I banked on the fact I was only a "co-leader" that took enough of the pressure off that I stumbled through an 'uh, sure, I guess'.

Tonight, ALL of the above, how I ended up at this Starbucks on this evening made sense. One of the girls in our group, who's been asking questions, and just hashing out life with us on our Wednesday evenings over cookies, explained that while she still has a gillion questions, and doesn't understand it all (who does?) ;) said she wants this to be her way of life too....

I was THERE for that!!! It was the BEST reminder in the world of how much my life and outlook have improved since I dropped the quotations from believing in God, and actually decided to figure out what that means, rather than quoting what someone else said it did!

It's messy... it doesn't always, or even that often, seem to make sense... people let you down...I still let people down... I question myself constantly.... but I've never felt anything more REAL in my entire life... and that's what I want... what is REAL!

Talk about a kick ass way to start of the Lent/Easter season.... That little comment was for those haters that may have made it all the way to the bottom... Yes, amazingly enough you can say all that, and still say its pretty kick ass... and I'm pretty sure God would TOTALLY agree! Like I said, pretty sure... don't take what I'm saying as the truth... figure it out for yourself! ;)

March Madness

March Madness has taken on an entirely new meaning at the Alspaugh household.... more precisely I would refer to it as March 'Metro Group' Madness! Every semester the church coordinates a plethora of small groups (aka: Metro Groups), in a variety of areas/interests. There are groups that get together for dinner out/in once a month, interest groups that span the range from Book clubs, Holy Yoga, Self Defense, The Biggest Winner (same premise as 'The Biggest Loser', but with a nicer name ;), Mommy Mixers, etc... and the traditional Bible Study Discussion groups spanning a range of topics.

This semester the church has a total of 51 different options to join, and between Kevin and I, we have signed up for 7! We literally could have something FUN to do, EVERY night of the week... to prove my point below is what our typical Spring Semester week looks like:

Sunday: Church and a couples group, "Sacred Marriage", (that has childcare... I'd be lying if I didn't say that was what got us into the group originally last semester ;)
Monday: Holy Yoga, talk about the most relaxing way to spend your Monday night EVER!
Tuesday: Kevin is on the Facilities Team, doing "Man stuff" around the building
Wednesday: I co-lead a Mom's Group for Mom's with young kids (but we leave the kiddos with the dad's in the evening, cause let's face it, if we didn't, we'd never get to talk to each other!)
Thursday: Sisterhood/Brotherhood = We each get one Thursday a month to go hang with all the girls or all the guys.
Friday: We host a game night once a month, and also have signed up to check out a few of the other potluck dinner groups.
Saturday Mornings: Kev heads out to the Men's "Wild at Heart" group, and me and the boys generally have a play date with one of the other mom's who has a husband in the group.

Am I crazy??? Well... yes, but we determined that long ago, so it may be a moot point now. Did I just exhaust YOU by taking you through our events? It's really not as busy as it appears, and there is still plenty of time for Kev, I, and the boys to hang out as our own little unit. The fun interest groups are quite flexible, and its not an obligation you MUST attend every week, more of an awesome option, if/when we find ourselves stressed, in need of a break.

I just LOVE to be in the midst of things, to be surrounded by activity. Activity that I can jump into, and get swept up in at a moments notice, or pull out of just as easily for a little breather. However the above does explain my lapses in Blogging as regularly as I had started out this year ;)... When you're busy having so much fun, who has time to tell the world about it!

Well, now you know what we are up too.... what's been keeping you busy this spring?