Yay for Honeymoons!

Delayed Honeymoons Rock! I'm just sayin. For 7 years any vacation time we had was earmarked for trips back to Michigan, since our time with family was few and far between. The wait was worth it!

To say I was getting a little antsy, spending pretty much day in/out here with the boys working and keeping to their schedules over the past year, would be a vast understatement. Within about 15 minutes of returning from church on Father's Day Sunday we'd whipped all our things into a bag, profusely expressed our undying gratitude to Kevin's parents, kissed the boys, and dashed out the door. I was delirious with excitement before we'd even made it down our street... if my seat belt hadn't been securely fastened, its likely I would have bounced right out of the car.

I had checked the forecast prior to leaving and was a little nervous with the 6 straight days of forecasted thunderstorms, but was gonna leave that up to God, and not let it 'rain' on my parade. Seeing how he showed up, in such an amazing way on our trip, was one of the best parts of the entire week... having the reminder that he's concerned with something as trivial as whether or not it rains on my vacation.... My favorite example... we woke up in NYC, walked to breakfast with blue sky and sun, ate and came back out to the same weather... the only difference was that when we came out the pavement and all the cars were thoroughly soaked. That seemed to happen over and over again... if we needed to be out, the sun was there and when an activity brought us in doors that's when the rains came... it was crazy how perfectly it was all timed.

The majority of our trip was documented through my mobile uploads on Facebook... hitting Rehoboth Beach first, then catching the Ferry to Atlantic City, trying out my first Casino... yeah still not too big on gambling... I was at the lowest minimum table for Black Jack and these two guys walked up and both lost $500 in 15 minutes... I would have started crying, begged for my money back saying I was mentally unstable, and then likely puked if they had refused that plea... These guys just walked to the next table to see if they had better luck... Crazy! We didn't win much, but we didn't lose much either, and I take breaking even as a win in 'gambling' world, so I was happy. We then headed to NYC.

NYC was and wasn't what I had expected. Time square seemed much smaller, the neighborhoods that I had 'glamorized' in my head; Tribeca, Soho, Greenwich Village, etc.. weren't really all that glamorous. Central park was awesome, and the city was fast paced, and impersonal... which was when I knew I could never live there... I'm FAR to personable. This statement made abundantly clear when I walked up to three random women and asked them if they'd like to join Kevin and I, along with Kevin's brother and some other buddies so I could have some girl talk amidst all of their boy boredom. They quickly agreed, interested in meeting the other 3 good looking guys I was with, but then continued to go on and on about how rare it was that I would just come up and talk to them... Clearly they didn't know who they were dealing with :).

After two VERY busy days of walking and seeing all I had really wanted to see, we decided to wrap our vacation relaxing back on the beach, and headed back toward Rehoboth. After an amazingly relaxing day on the beach on Friday, we decided to call it a success a night early and head back to relieve my AMAZING in-laws, and surprise the boys.

All in all it was amazing, I enjoyed EVERY second of it!! The time away was perfect to rest, refresh, and reflect on the awesomeness that is my life! I can't wait to see where it will take me next!

Today was Tough.... Tonight was Amazing

Today was tough. It started at 5am, I had 4 conference calls to make for work, I'm covering for a co-worker on vacation, and had no assistance with the boys. I had to try and coordinate Caleb's pre-school schedule, with Logan's naps, and my calls, which resulted in an early pick up from pre-school, and a late nap for Logan to ensure he slept through my call and I only had to flex the mute button in between Caleb's questions. Tack on to that the now 8th or 9th seizure for Caleb, (it makes me sad that I'm losing count), which instead of lasting the normal 3-5 minutes then pass out, lasted that, followed by at least a half hour of screaming and disorientation for my little man. Yes... Today was tough.

After the screaming and disorientation gave way to sleep, I was getting some work done when a friend of mine, and co-worker, reached out via I.M.. Eventually the inevitable question, "how's the kiddos'" surfaced, and I explained that Caleb had been diagnosed with Epilepsy. It was the first time I really accepted that as the diagnosis. Up until now I've been holding out hope that the last one was just that... the last one... that we wouldn't have to pursue the medication route, but seconds after Caleb was asleep I'd already called the Dr. and asked about our EEG results and if she could call in a second prescription. (***You don't have to call/text/message me about the results, she didn't have them yet, but was calling the lab and would call me back tomorrow. I WILL keep you all posted when we know something, and I DO appreciate your prayers).

During the midst of my conversation with my friend she mentioned how 'strong' I was, exclaiming she would be an absolute wreck, that she wouldn't be able to handle it, too which I assured her 'you would find a way'. Her comment set forth a train of thought though, one that's taken quite a few years to finally reach its destination.

I learned really early on that emotion holds little value. If I wanted something, I needed to bring facts, logic, and impartiality (or one heck of a poker face) to the table. Any display of emotion would at best dock me a few points, at worse set me back further than I started. For a long time I thought this void of emotion made me somehow sub-human... well maybe just sub-girl. I viewed the meltdowns others had as cathartic, they could at least process their emotions and move on. If I'm being honest, I also craved a bit of the attention that accompanied such visible emotions. I could be screaming on the inside, 'hey you have NO idea how much this hurts right now', but without the display to accompany it, no one saw much to comfort. It still shocks me how easily people accept 'fine' as an answer, its like you can hear an audible "phew" coming from them as they whisk past to carry on with their lives. For me, any feeling I had would just enter a spin cycle, I'd go over and over it in my head pick it apart and put it back together, just to do it again. I was sure I was crazy, or at least on the fast track there.

Tonight I have peace that I'm not crazy. I know the story of my life has gotten me to this place to take care of my special little man in a way that only I can. I can only imagine what Caleb goes through during his seizures is traumatic enough. While there are NO words to describe what I feel, I believe that when he comes to, with a calm mama whispering to him that everything will be alright and holding him securely, his soul can find rest.

Tonight, after an impossibly long day, I find encouragement in my faith. That I can rest without worrying about what's going to happen next, because ultimately I have no control over it. I may NEVER understand somethings, but believe everything does happen for a reason, and if we can remain open minded we might someday understand.

Tonight, I'm reminded that we are all beautifully and wonderfully made... and DIFFERENT. I'm reminded that how I process things doesn't make me crazy, but that everyone processes life differently, and we were designed to, for our own unique purposes.

Tonight, as I accept Caleb's diagnosis, I can remain thankful for all my blessings. I'm thankful for the awesome little dude he is, and I'm thankful that with this diagnosis we are lucky enough to have such infrequent episodes, that on a scale measuring severity by episodes occurring multiple times within an hour or day, that we've experienced under 10 in 10 months. Yet I remain fervent in my prayer that every one IS the last one, that the medicine we pursue doesn't change one amazing little personality, but that its effective, and by this time next year this is nothing but a distant memory.

Tonight I go to sleep with a profound respect for an amazing God, and remain hopeful that he hears the prayers of many.

Today was tough... Tonight was amazing.

Thought's of an Insomniac.... :)

I love my husband. I count my blessings daily that he is mine. That being said, the jealousy I feel toward him due to his innate ability to be asleep milliseconds after his head touches the pillow is hard to quantify. I've heard from multiple woman their husbands possess similar qualities, and take some solace knowing my plight is shared. However, on the sleepless nights that last longer than most, there's still a tiny part of me that wants to play the 'ol sleep over pranks on the poor unsuspecting soul that fell asleep first.

I've determined I'm likely an insomniac... the fact that multiple times a week it can take upwards of 2+ hours to actually fall asleep isn't normal. I would like to use these extra hours to DO something when I can't sleep, but when you know "The Truth about 768sq ft", you understand that after me and the big guy have hashed over just about everything I can think of, I've come up with the grocery shopping list for the week in my head, worried about things that haven't happened and then prayed some more to the big guy that they never will, and then written and re-written this blog in my head 10 times, the only thing left to do is sit in the dark living room and write it out in the hopes that not re-writing it for the 11th time in my head will help me fall-asleep.

It doesn't help matters, or quell my urge to dip his hand in a bowl of warm water, when Kev tells me I can just train my body to sleep like him, that its really not that hard, I just need to focus. Really Kev? Really? How bout you remind me of that when you wake up in a labyrinth of twine, feathers, and honey..... Idea courtesy of the Parent Trap... The REAL Parent Trap (i.e. the Haley Mills edition... not the Lindsay Lohan edition).

I've tried focus... I used to say rosary's on repeat, until the repetitiveness would wear me out... count backwards from 100, but my mind would always wander to a tangent somewhere in the 60's and I'd have to start over. I'd continue to ask God to just let me fall asleep, and then midway through that conversation, I'd be on another tangent. I've tried a couple different sleeping pills, but then listened to too many crazy side affect stories to want to stay on them too long... Sure, some nights exhaustion finally wins out and I can be asleep 10-15 minutes after we get in bed, but those are much fewer and farther between.

So, I'll head back to bed... Stare for an extended moment in jealousy at my peacefully sleeping husband, who never quite understands why I'm so lethargic in the morning when we 'went to bed at the same time', and start my routine over from the top. On a side note... one of the many positives of the new phone I've got now is not only can I check Facebook when all else fails, but now that I've found Angry Birds, I've got one more thing to do when I'm silently 'sleeping'.

Two Peas from the Same Pod??? We'll see :)

I used to wonder how it was possible that me and my sisters came from the same parents... our personalities are SO different. However, after seeing all the minute differences there have been between Caleb's first year on this planet and Logan's, I've got a better appreciation for how all this might have transpired.

When I think back to Caleb's first year, and how diligent I was with following all the 'guidelines': when to introduce foods, how to introduce foods, how long to practice tummy time, exposure to T.V., focused play time, sleeping schedules, etc... It contrasts sharply with Logan's first year. The fact that I tossed him a Fig Newton without a second thought at 8 months to naw on, and that his 'focused play' is generally centered around my being focused enough to avert a scream before Caleb pounces on him. Caleb got to 'cry it out' around 3 months, while Logan's screams during the night got me out of bed immediately to silence them before they woke Cubby. Logan has had his mama with him just about every day since birth, where as Caleb got me undiluted for the first 12 weeks, but then had to manage the transition to Day Care for the next two years.

All these tiny differences, in the grand scheme of things seem inconsequential. Both boys have a mom and dad who love them dearly and tell them daily. Yet, I believe it's these differences that are ultimately shaping their little personalities, and it's SO interesting to see. Caleb still wants to be entertained. He had our undivided attention, and he still wants it... and isn't afraid to let us know that. Logan, is an independent little free spirit. He LOVES to find his own things to do, and would LOVE it even more if we'd give him free range to do it... however until he learns that the toilet bowl is not his personal 'water table', and that cupboards are closed for a reason, I have to keep somewhat of a close eye on him.

I can't wait to see how these differences develop further over the next year... especially as we get into the fun stage of actually communicating, and understanding each other with Logan. These past couple years with Cub have been the best, where we move PAST the blob stage and can actually start experiencing life together! It's definitely reinforced my original thoughts on my "Mom Evolution"... While I do want to still try for my girl, and possibly even another after that, I've accepted the fact that being the mom to the sub one crowd is not my forte. I love some of the aspects of it... the snuggling is unsurpassed for SURE, but on the whole... I just don't get into following the structure of schedules, making the baby food, the diapers, the sleepless nights, or the NURSING... Talk about the mother of all schedule limitations!

Some women are able to look at all of it as a glorious adventure, and like I said, parts of 0-1 are... but on a whole, if I'm being honest, I look at it as a necessary evil... something to endure that forges that everlasting bond with the child for all you put into making it through. So I'll continue to keep my eye on the prize of a big family, with siblings close in age to enable those life long bonds, and keep on trucking through the insanity that accompanies these younger years!