2011 = Success

Some people mark successful years by milestones that were achieved or great events to be reflected on. By that standard, we had a pretty quite 2011. I'm quite o.k. with that.

At the start of this year I made this post, naming my goal for 2011 to be an inward evolution. On the eve of 2012, I can call the year a success. Did I stick hard and fast to my 'goals' of limited T.V., meal planning, and work outs??? Without cable it does help the T.V. goal, although if I were counting Hulu time, maybe not. As for workouts, meal planning, and bible cover to cover, those are rolling into the 2012 goal column. If I focused only on the goals I did not accomplish, I would find myself starting 2012, as I've started many New Years in the past, believing a lie I've held onto for a long time.... I can't do it, its too hard, I might as well not even try. However I'm not the same person I was on the eve of 2011, not by a long shot.

January 2011 marked the first Fast I'd ever tried.... Going in my prayers were for healing from Caleb's seizure and for my best friend to conceive a baby after 2+ years of trying. Over the course of 2010, Caleb had 9 seizures from Sept. 1st - Dec 31st. In 2011, he's had 2, not having had one since May!! On my birthday (April 7th) I found out my Best friend was ~12weeks pregnant, they waited to tell people because of the years of attempts not panning out. When I asked her when she found out, she told me at the beginning of February... our Fast ended on Jan. 31st!! I had started the year leaning more toward the skeptic column, seeing his faithfulness in these two areas alone gave me such a monumental push into the faith filled column!

In July, Kevin and I found out we were expecting, only to learn 2 months later it was not meant to be. Historically, in the midst of trial, I throw up the defenses put on the happy face and let the world know, hey it didn't phase me. I'm not gonna lie and say I was miraculously vulnerable this year, but going through it in the community we're in was such an eye opener. They didn't push, or pry, or judge my lack of feelings, but they also didn't just accept my statements of being fine at face value. They showed up at my house with dinner without prompting, and sent gift cards for dinner out.... I am so proud and awe inspired by my church that actually DOES church well. Not only do they aspire to help those out in the community, and in communities abroad, but they help their own in anyway they can.

November started our Church's Thrive series, and I wrote before, and am just realizing now that I never revealed the totals for their efforts. We set out to raise $500K in a one time offering, with commitments for $5M over the course of the following year. Would you believe me if I told you that in the one time offering they collected $501K?!? You should, cause they did.... talk about chalking another testimony up to the faith filled column! For the $5M, we didn't reach that goal, but they did reveal an even more impressive number in my book... As I mentioned our church is currently hovering right around 1200 members, out of that number 987 members gave what they could towards the offering?!? 987 people stepping out in faith and giving towards a cause they believe in.... guess I'm not the only one convinced my church rocks!

Over the course of that series I had ventured into my second Daniel Fast, believe me when I tell you I didn't START it joyfully... I'm no saint.... but after the amazing results from the first one, I thought I'd give it a shot. My prayer request this time was to feel God's love in a more powerful way. I had the Sunday school understanding, I knew "Yes, Jesus loves me the Bible tells me so", but I could see a difference in people at church... they had a deeper understanding of it, one I couldn't quite grasp. All I'm gonna say about this one (right now at least), is that God answered it in a very powerful way again. He reveled and then removed a block I'd had, and its exciting to start 2012 with it out of my way for good!

I learned SO much about relationships in general this year. My relationship with God, my spouse, my kids, my family, and my friends. I learned its o.k. to let relationships go, I learned that relationships you'd thought were lost can resurface in an instant, I learned it takes two to make relationships work, but you have to accept when someone isn't ready or doesn't want to work on it. When its a relationship you cannot let go of, I learned you need to give them space, knowing that space is not the same thing as turning your back on them, its meeting them where they are and not pushing for more, or resenting not getting it. I also learned that relationships that aren't honest and real, that don't run deep, simply flounder on the surface, and generally aren't worth our precious time to nurture. I learned that time is very much like money, it is a finite resource, and where I invest it is equally important, so I need to choose wisely.

Finally, I learned the difference between knowing your not perfect and using it as an excuse not to change. Not a single person alive today will attain perfection, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be striving for better in every facet of our lives. I know I will continue making mistakes, I'll continue falling off resolution wagons, but at least as I head into 2012, I can do so with the knowledge that falling off the wagon does not mean it was derailed, and I can learn to lean on the relationships around me to cheer me on at getting back on board!

Cliff Notes for the Hubs

Expectations crack me up. We all have them, for pretty much EVERY situation we encounter, or plan to. When your dating, contemplating marriage, most everyone's expectations have some form of living happily ever after included in them. Why would you contemplate marriage if you were expecting it to fail? When your thinking about having kids, you expect there to be "some" trials (Ha! I laugh now that I even write some in quotations), but for the most part you expect to correct the mistakes you felt your parents made, visualize yourself rolling on the floor playing with your beautiful, well behaved children because your house is already clean around you, and dinner's already been made and cleaned up.

It's how people react when their expectations aren't met that's not so funny. I've seen a fair share of melt-downs and blow ups to know this is true. Setting realistic expectations seems to be the ticket, coupled with CONSTANTLY re-evaluating them to see if they still pass the sniff test of being realistic.

Last night was a rather amusing example of my need to review some of my expectations of Kevin, and him representing to me a vast majority of guys in general. You see, Kevin and I operate on VASTLY different wave lengths when it comes to communicating. When I ask him questions about his day and the conversations he's had, I want to know EVERYTHING. When I say everything, I mean every exact word that transpired over the course of the conversations. If he could keep them all in order, even if it was an hour long conversation, I would be thrilled if he could recant it exactly back to me.

Kevin... not so much. He can sum up a multi-hour dinner, event, discussion, etc... in probably 5 words or less. I want to pull my hair out sometimes. I'll ask follow up questions, come at it from a different angle, bring it up a couple different times, JUST to see if I can squeeze out some more details. Usually those efforts leave us both frustrated.

Knowing how much I would love EVERY single detail, my expectation is that even though he wouldn't dream of asking for it, Kevin deeply desires that level of detail as well in my conversations with him. Again... not so much, as I learned last night.

I got the chance to catch up with my Aunt over the course of a FIVE HOUR dinner. Yes, we sat and talked for five straight hours! We had a great time, and I was so excited to get home and tell Kevin ALL about it. After about twenty minutes of me talking a million miles a minute, in exited animation, I asked him if he'd like me to let him go to sleep. His response, "Yes, please. I was wondering when you would be done, I kept telling myself it had to be soon, but when you started rounding the twenty minute mark without stopping I wasn't so sure."

I poked him teasingly, and said "just think I talked for 5 hours just before this and still I'm not tired... you're pretty thankful for my girlfriends now aren't you?", to which he responded "Extremely. I love you, good night".

I feel like I have an alright handle on this expectation, as evidence by my need to cultivate MANY friendships, so I can reach a likely inordinate word quota for the day, without exhausting any ONE. I still have to review it from time to time, when I suffer from girl amnesia, and think again that with Kevin being my best friend, HE is the one that wants to hear it ALL. He does want to hear it... he just wants to hear the condensed version. He appreciates its MUCH more when I work out the multiple hour long conversation with a girl friend, and bring him home the cliffs notes after having worked out my crazy.

For any ladies out there reading this, that might be suffering from the expectation that their husbands are their one and only sounding board, and end up often frustrated when their not. Try branching out a bit, hit up a girlfriend or two (or if your like me, and you would still likely overwhelm even two), figure out what your threshold is and then cultivate the friendships to make it work. Bring the cliff notes home to the hubs so he stays up to date, and see if ya'll don't end up just a little happier in the end! :)

Teachings from a Toddler

Parents are biased. Fact. We think our kids are the cutest, smartest, funniest, most adorable little beings on the planet... well most of the time. Sometimes we literally pay people to take them off our hands and run out the door, grasping at the shreds of sanity slipping through our fingers.

We spend our days teaching them what they need to know; what they can and cannot touch, how they should behave, how to clean up after themselves. I recently put up a canvas with our "Family Rules" displayed for the boys to see, and smile that the first three Caleb can recite are Listen, Obey, and No Whining.

Listen, Obey, and No Whining (with the implied caveat, that we're only listening and obeying to those teaching/correcting us out of love). Oh, if it were only that easy, but that's not reality. Reality is knowing that whether your thirty or three, we all have the gift of free will, and when we listen to something that we do NOT want to obey, the whining, or out right rebellion follows. We might know in our hearts that we SHOULD obey, but we don't, the choice is ours alone. It doesn't make us bad people... just people making bad choices, a small but important distinction.

While I spend my days teaching, the boys are not the only ones that need to be listening and learning. When I step down off my pedestal of "Mom", I realize they are teaching me WAY more important things, then how to properly wipe a tush so as not to leave 'residue' behind... although let's be honest, this is also pretty important!

If you read this, you likely see most of my posts on FB too, surrounding some of Caleb's cuter moments.... A video declaring his innocent, heartfelt love of his family. Choosing to help kids that would otherwise eat 'sticks and bugs' with the only dollar he has. Saying with conviction that guns don't keep people safe, hugs do. That is a whole lotta wisdom & heart packed into a pint-sized package. I would LOVE to take credit for it, but I can't.

My first impulse when he told me he was gonna give his dollar away, was to tell him he didn't have to do that, that it was his money and he could use it on anything he wanted. I'm thankful I stopped the words from coming out of my mouth, because as I thought about it, what would I have taught him with that statement. That he should second guess his decision to give, and think about himself first... what kind of education would THAT have been?!? I found myself ashamed that my 3 year old taught me this, and not the other way around.

Then yesterday, when I learned his response to what keeps people safe was "Hugs keep people safe", my gut reaction was, aww he's cute, too bad that's not the case. What are we teaching him in saying we need guns to keep us safe? He's got it right on this major life lesson too... if we love God AND love our enemy, we wouldn't need guns to keep us safe... the power in our corner would be a WHOLE lot more powerful than any 'ol gun! It's pretty humbling to have a three year old point out the flaws in our way of thinking.

Our society heaps so much prestige on titles, position, and influence. From corporations down to a single family unit, we are set up to have leaders, orders, and rank, and are cautioned to be mindful of our position, and not step too far outside its bounds. We've minimized the value of children, especially young ones, to cute things that we need to manage. To me, it seems societies view of success is found in the parent that has complete control over their children, that has essentially replaced the gift of free will, with a forced will... and we see the ramifications of that throughout society.

What if we, *gasp*, stepped off our pedestals, let go of our titles, and acknowledge we are all just people, making choices, sometimes bad ones? Would it be so awful to learn forgiveness, grace, and patience at the hands of our children, in exchange for teaching them to eat vegetables, exercise, and say please and thank-you? We make ourselves believe its our job to show them how to live life right, but I'm learning the more I stop teaching and start listening, the more they are teaching ME how to live life right.

A Relationship with God is easy.... Lie.

I've believed my fair share of lies over the years. Lies our society feed us about what's hot and what's not, lies others have told me to bring me down, and lies I've told myself.

Sticks 'n stone can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.... Lie

Pictures in the magazines are real. I could look like that too, if only I..... Lie

I don't have the intellectual horse power above the shoulders to cut it.... Lie

Nobody will know.... Lie

They go on.... and on.... and on... BUT, I've uncovered a new biggie today that I thought was worth sharing.

A relationship with God is easy.... Lie.

I was dupped for a long, LONG time. I'd heard the verses "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" along with "my yolk is light", and I believed if it wasn't easy, I must not be doing it right, there must be something wrong with me. It didn't help matters that when Christianity was first explained to me, the only real understanding I walked away with was, you have to "Believe in your heart, and confess with your mouth and invite Jesus into your life". Easy enough... done and done.... now what?

Now what.... I wondered that for oh.... 12 years. Then this concept of relationship finally started to sink in. I had relationships with other people, and they required my participation to work, I have no explanation for why I thought a relationship with God would be any different.

I think we can all agree relationships are hard work. You have to give of yourself, lay down personal agendas, give up your free time, money, sleep, etc.... To appease a husband, children, friends, your boss. What I'd never thought of giving before however was my soul, I kinda assumed that went lock, stock, n' barrel with the inviting Jesus in... but as long as I held onto the lies, they held onto my soul, and it wasn't mine to give to anyone. I believed if you bear your soul you will get hurt... if you tell people the crazy that's in your brain, they will reject you. I did not see those as lies until the last couple weeks. They were truth, because I'd never ventured out to prove them otherwise, and I'm ALL to happy to add them to the list of confirmed LIES now.

The other hard part about relationships, they can hurt like no other. My mom and I were watching a movie last night, one of the cheesy Christmas love stories, with no name actors, that the networks come up with. We had the plot figured out within the first 5 minutes of the movie, but we watched it unfold over two hours anyway. Over the course of that two hours, when the heartbreak inevitably struck, that we knew would be rectified soon, the heroine of the film dissolved into mess of tears and depression as her heart broke, and my mom made the comment, "Isn't it funny that it actually does hurt... a heart break".

Heart breaks, however, aren't only suffered at the hand of a significant other... parents, kids, friends, they can all break our hearts, and the pain is no less. We had shared portions of our souls with these people, and they used that to hurt us. Not a hard lesson to learn... don't do it again. When your dating and that occurs, the resolution (while painful) is still fairly easy... you part ways and you no longer have to worry about maintaining a relationship with that individual. When the hurt comes from family however, that can be a much trickier road to navigate.... you have to re-establish the trust that was broken, and that takes time, commitment, grace, and forgiveness. I've never heard of a scenario where the two individuals wronged realize it at the same exact time, and are both ready to rebuild at the exact same time. Given that, it would stand to reason that the one initiating the re-building should be prepared for a little (lot) resistance. How often is that part easy to forget. When your initial efforts are thwarted you retreat, lamenting the faults of the other for not seeing your peace offering for what it was.

I'm starting to figure out the common denominator though to successful relationships, ones that can weather the mistakes and hurts we inflict upon each other. If the individual you're working on a relationship with, is also working on their relationship with God.... chances are REALLY good, that things are going to work out for the best. They will be more prone to forgive, offer grace, not judge, and love you in spite of you. If someone doesn't need God, I have to believe they think they can manage perfectly on their own... and if their standard of perfection is what I'm going to be measured up against.... I'm setting myself up for a failure.

Moral of the story.... Not everyone will reject and ridicule you when you lay yourself bear, and expose the crazy hiding in your brain, and when you find a place you can be TRULY transparent, it is a slice of heaven on earth. BUT, be careful who you bear your soul too... and when... The bible didn't say guard your heart from everyone.... but it did say to guard it, because there are those out there that will destroy it if given the opportunity.