Insufficient Funds

I had epiphany today. I like days like that, they make me feel smart. Using big words like epiphany make me feel smart too.

I've been struggling for a few months, strike that, my whole life with my thought life, I've just become more aware of it in the past few months. I've always heard 'we're our own worst critic', so I just assumed it was a natural part of life to think I suck at many things, and didn't put much more thought into it.

Until recently.

You see this morning I read a friends blog, that encouraged me again that I'm not the only one that has renegade thoughts. She likened her's to a roach infestation in her head, where it became a fight figuring out which roach she was gonna chase after and squash because there were so many to choose from. However, she's gaining ground in her fight, and has said the infestation has been downgraded to a pesky mouse that pokes his head out from time to time.

I've been hearing it from many sides recently about the importance of taking our thoughts captive (2 Corinth 10:5). My argument has always been: "How in the heck am I supposed to do that when my THOUGHTS are taking ME captive?!?"

An example.

I let Kevin sleep in this morning. 99% of the time he let's me sleep in, one of the top 5 reasons I will love this man with all my heart until the day I die! As we both sat down to work (on our bed, because that is also our desk as our children and Stephanie hang out), this conversation occurred.

"Aren't ya' glad you got to sleep in?" (We've already covered the fact I'm a pride mongrel scouring the world over for people to tell me I'm wonderful, so let's not get stuck on this point here)

"Yeah it was great thanks Babe" (he feeds my addiction well, also in the top 5)

"Its a good thing your a morning person, I'm exhausted" (boys up at 5:00a, I fell asleep at 1a, went to bed at 11p, but me and sleep only seem to get along at inopportune times.)

"I'm not a morning person"

"Yes, you tell everyone all the time, that you couldn't sleep past 6 if you tried".

"I only tell people that, so you don't look so bad"

Ouch.... and queue the roaches.

From that one comment I managed to believe that Kevin actually hates me, and thinks I'm the most selfish person in the world, whom through some ugly twist of fate he is tied to for the rest of his life. Mind you during this entire roach infestation Kevin had gone downstairs to grab himself breakfast, and returned to a sullen wife, that in true 5 year old fashion made the comment "I'm sorry you hate me". When I explained to my perplexed husband what had occurred in the five minutes since he'd been gone, he laughed (as he usually does when my breaks from reality occur), and assured me he didn't actually mean that, he truly doesn't mind getting up in the morning, and then we had to have a discussion on how many mornings a week that actually means. (Because I'm still concerned I'm coming off as a total wretch here, we're mostly talking about Tues/Thur/Sat that I get to sleep in till 7:30-8, because all other days I'm up for him to leave for work early or church on Sunday).

This example can happen multiple times throughout a day, with almost anybody I come in contact with, and most times I don't even need to be interacting with anyone else... Quite often the roaches just release themselves and take my brain captive!

So my epiphany was this, as I read over my friends blog and commented on her post this morning. More often than not, my thoughts do still take ME captive, and I've determined they are holding me for ransom. The ransom: encouraging, uplifting, positive thoughts, and the ones most effective for immediate extermination of all roaches, are words directly from God's Word. You see, my epiphany helped me realize, therein lies my problem. When I go to make a withdrawal from the positive/life giving word bank, I tend to get the response "Insufficient Funds". I, like many, often times find the bible rather confusing. I also get quite discouraged when every other page has a lineage, or location, or whatever that I can't pronounce. Being confused and feeling dumb do not help the roach issue.

I'm hopeful though, cause this semester is gonna be a breakthrough semester! I'm leading "Breaking Free" at our church, which is a bible study centered around gaining freedom from the captivity of our own thoughts. Don't worry, I have friends on STAFF at the church, that read this, and I've already tried convincing them that their faith in my leading is horribly miss-placed. I'm thankful for them, however, that they are good at the positive/life giving words, because their deposits in my word bank have filled a ransom note or two in the past, and slowly but surely are helping me get to a point of making deposits of my own.

So that's my epiphany, work on making my OWN deposits, so I can stand on my own two feet, and not depend on the deposits of others to bail me out, cause I HATE the "Insufficient Funds" notice! And maybe try to use epiphany 4 or 5 more times a day, just to up the smart quotient for the day... or I could just keep saying quotient :)

Introducing Samuel!!!

Did you know I've got this hankering toward adoption? Not right now of course, my hands are rather full with the two I've got. Not to mention my attempts at making a third of our own, in the hopes of seeing what a baby girl Alspaugh might look like.

I couldn't shake it though, that I was supposed to be doing something more now. Tie that with my desire for 2012 that I noted earlier to get the boys involved in something bigger than themselves, that we could do as a family. Last year I attempted volunteering with the boys at a retirement facility. I figured elderly people always seemed to fawn all over little ones, so an hour or so of 'play time' with them per week, would give them something to look forward to, and us something to do. It worked out great for awhile. I'd say almost 80% LOVED having us there, and their eyes lit up when we walked in. The other 20%.... not so much. They fell into the grumpy old men (women) category, and were quite verbose in their overall dislike of the disruption we caused. I was torn. The fun ones were a delight, and greatly out numbered the sour patch kids, however, in the end I didn't like thinking I was coming in and taking over their home, with something they didn't want, even if it was the minority, so we stopped going.

I've come up with a solution! My goal was to open the boys eyes to other aspects of life, whether it be elderly, infirm, hungry, homeless, etc.... What I've come up with captures that, as well as providing an awesome avenue to introduce them to the geographies of the world, and issues that pertain to those regions as well!

With that I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Alspaugh Family: Samuel Mensah!!!

• Samuel Mensah
• Birthday: May 11, 2008
• Gender: Male
• Location: Ghana (Africa)

I found Samuel while searching the Compassion International website, and I knew it was perfect that he and Caleb SHARE the same birthday!!! How cool is that!?!

I love that God combined all the desires of my heart in this one little boy! We can support him during a season where we can do little else than provide monetary support, but in doing that small thing, it opens up and entire spectrum of teaching for Caleb! My goal as they both get older is to turn them into each others pen pals, allowing them both to grow in their understanding of each other and the world around them. If all goes well, when Logan gets a little older I'll be able to find a match for him as well (seems the youngest children requiring sponsorship start a 3), and we can open up another area of the world to learn about!

There were SO many beautiful faces out there looking for sponsorship, if you have the resources and desire to make a very big world just a little smaller for your kids to understand, I would totally recommend going this route!

The Great Prayer Conundrum

I need prayer.... to remember all the things I'm supposed to pray about. How's that for a Christian conundrum!

I've got friends looking for husbands, friends wanting to conceive, friends with sick moms, kids, siblings, dads, grandparents, pets, etc.... My church is looking for a new location, we're trying to solidify our spring semester of groups launching, we NEED more volunteers to support the services we've already got.... I'm wanting more of the Holy Spirit, more direction, more energy, more creativity, direction in my career... I've got friends becoming missionaries, friends launching books, friends planning 5K's to support charities, all looking for prayer filled support.... Then of course we've got the problems of human trafficking, homelessness, hunger, a broken political system, and someone should seriously be praying for the pigmies down in New Guinea while we're at it because I hear they're having a hard time of it as well?!?

I'm highly tempted to get them all on what I've heard mentioned as a prayer list, and then just simplify my approach "Dear God, I pray for every item on my prayer list, Amen"... because outside of the ones I'm aware of, I get about 4 gillion more each day... a brief overview to highlight:

God, please let Caleb sleep until 6am....

Crap, Logan's up.... God, please let Logan not wake Caleb up yet and go back to sleep himself...

No such luck.... God, please give me patience this morning, and a healthy dose of energy would be good.

Breakfast.

God, Thank you for letting there be enough milk this morning, please help keep Logan from dumping it all over himself.... Doh!

God, please let Stephanie get here soon, and help the boys be on their best behavior today so she likes us and wants to keep coming back.

Working.

God what am I doing at this job, do you want me here, should I be staying home with the boys, could I handle just me and the boys, is my resistance from you or me?

God help me to be a great parent, I want to raise Godly men.... how does one do that?

God, please don't let the fact that I just yelled at them for not listening for the millionth time scar them forever.

God please show me how to get my children to listen to me.

God can you help me figure this meal planning thing out, so I don't have to ask you what's for dinner EVERY night, rather once a week, or better yet, once every other.

God, thank you for my husband, he is an amazing man and I LOVE that he's the type of man that rushes home after work to be with his family!

God, if its not too much to ask, after ALL I've already asked today, could you give me enough energy to... ya' know... Kevin would really appreciate it....

Does the list get a weekly rotation? Is it supposed to be daily? Is it just when we think about it? Am I putting too much thought into it?

God, can you help me figure out this prayer thing, and how to fit everything in?

In a Pickle

Mmmmm... pickle... that sounds good..... mmmm.... Right, back to the Blog.

I've found myself in a bit of a pickle, you see I'm a friendly person, and according to Kevin I'm also hopelessly naive, this combination can land me in rather uncomfortable situations.

My most recent situation, a middle aged 'body builder' at the gym who is also very friendly. Up until Friday of last week, I was able to avoid all contact and just return his smile... in my mind I thought it was rude if someone smiled at you, not to return the smile... and let's be honest I smile at almost everyone anyway. Friday, as I'm heading to the locker rooms, he decided he wanted to talk to me. Keep in mind, I've accepted my role as a married woman to give me the freedom to go to the gym looking one tiny step away from absolutely atrocious... I'm there to work out and sweat, not win a man or a beauty award, so it already boggled my mind completely what the draw could be.

It started off something like this:

BB = Body Builder: "You've been coming for a couple weeks now right?"

Me "Yes, MY HUSBAND got us a membership just before the New Year."

BB: "You should stay a little longer, we could do a couple reps together"
Me "I have to get my TWO KIDS out of the kid zone upstairs, they are 1 and 3, and would probably like to get some lunch."
BB: "Well maybe next time your here, I used to be a personal trainer I could offer you a couple pointers, no charge"

Me "My husband set me up with a pretty good routine, and I usually stick with the 5 pounders, you'd have better luck with someone else".

By this point I was absolutely SHOCKED my not so subtle candor had not sent the appropriate message, and Mr. BB packing, but he continued to persist.... at one point almost making me laugh out loud when he asked if I knew how to swim (there is a pool at the gym, but if there was even the slightest insinuation that I teach him how, I'd prolly let him drown... or come close... at this point). It had me thinking that those cultures that prohibit eye contact between guys/girls might be on to something. I was finally able to negotiate an exit, and hoped that would be it, but on my way out of the gym today he was still super smiley friendly.

So rather than adding to my already mountainous list of reasons NOT to go to the gym, I'm thinking my next interaction will involve my dreaded confrontational moment... ugh! My round about "No's" did not work, so I'm thinking the direct, "I appreciate your friendly disposition, but my husband and I respect each other by agreeing not to engage in outside relationships with the opposing gender. If you are still looking for a work-out partner I can introduce you when he's around." Sound good? Not rude? I hate being rude, but I suppose there are times when if directness comes off as rude, than so be it.

If my direct doesn't work, we may have to introduce him to Kevin sooner rather than later... he does direct REAL well ;)

Day 4

I just spent an hour+ putting Caleb back to bed 5 times, with tears and fits and all, and usually after such an ordeal I reward my patience with a glass of milk and handful (or 4) of chocolate chips.

I hear him screaming for the 5th time upstairs right now... my blood is all but boiling... my patience is zilch. He started in my bed as a privilege (we move him out when we get up there), he lost that on his first out of bed attempt, second the bathroom light got shut off, third I closed his bedroom door all the way, fourth he lost his nightlight, now I'm on to spankings, and STILL he calls for me. What is he calling for, usually its to tell me something I DO NOT need to know, like his book fell off a shelf, or his pillow fell on the floor, or wondering for the 8th time when daddy will be home. Each time, I tell him he needs to be in bed, and if he asks one more question he will get a spanking and then I ask him, do you really want to ask your question, knowing you will get a spanking, and he says YES?!? WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT?!? ARGH!!!

I want chocolate. Bad.

Actually, I want just about anything pretty bad. This is harder than I thought it would be. I know this shouldn't have come as a surprise, drinking lemon water for 21 days is not something I thought would be easy. However, at day 4, with the vast majority of the fast still out before us and my brain consumed by the thought of food, I think its time to make an amendment toward the greater good. I'm not throwing in the towel on the fast by any stretch, but given I still have to feed the boys and Kevin dinner, and he's doing the Daniel fast, I'm sticking with a water fast for every breakfast/lunch, and then will join my family for a Daniel fast friendly dinner and just monitor my portion control so I don't compensate for my lost meals. I was torn between that, and going the route I'd originally planned with staying on liquids and just going for smoothies and juices. Honestly, I think I'll be healthier overall with the Daniel fast, as I would lean toward the 'good' tasting juices/smoothies which are loaded with sugars, where as sticking to the Daniel Fast I can keep it raw and veggies... and I get to CHEW!!!

Now I can focus my brain better on the goal of the fast; praying for some fabulous men and some divine appointments with a couple rather fantastic women!

Balance. I may or may not have mentioned this before, but its my goal to find this in as many areas as my life as possible during 2012.

My brain tends to operate in the extreme, all or nothing, hypothetical's, as evidence by thinking I was somehow prepared to do a water fast?!? I think it's borne out of our society's portrayal of what a Christian is supposed to be. Perfect. It's why the church is lambasted at every turn, because we're not. I tried America's portrait of the good life, graduated college, married the love of my life, was climbing the corporate ladder at a Fortune 500 company, made beautiful babies, and while that's AWESOME, my soul still wants more. So now I'm giving my all to figuring out how to integrate a Christian life into our subverted culture. I'm trying to check off nice and tidy boxes, but there aren't any to be checked off, and trying to be perfect is impossibly frustrating.

Balance... Sometime this year, I will find you :)

Day 2...

We did better today. I use the pronoun we, as I've decided there are many sides of me to this fast, and I'm only slowly learning what they are. For example, yesterday when we kicked this off, I was was under the impression it was only me, but my stomach has since alerted me I am not the only one. She has been a rather verbose presence today, and she's not all together happy with our decision, in fact it would appear that I'm dragging her along kicking and screaming, trying to beat her into submission. I tossed her a bone for dinner, a cucumber to dull her mind numbing cravings.

I'm learning, just on day two, that the multiple sides of me that I don't realize exist are usually quiet because I satisfy their every whimper. They have me so well trained that I doubt it even takes a whimper, I'm usually over indulging their every wish, to such a degree they stay quietly nestled in my sub-conscience. For example, the fact that my husband is noisily munching on chips and salsa right now, and I can smell their salty fried goodness, mere inches away, has me salivating like Pavlov's dog.... but here I sit working on discipline that is NOT of me.... I would have devoured the bad in about 2.2 seconds, but the harder I focus up, the easier it becomes to not focus out.

The reason I miss out on learning an actual sustainable life style through these processes was clearly laid out to me with this past Sunday's sermon, and is evidenced quite clearly by my paragraph above.... I get SO freaking proud of MYSELF for successfully fasting! What was the sermon on this past Sunday you ask? "The Pride Challenge"!!

The result for missing the point of God's challenges our Pastor told us, is repeating them over and over and over (ad nauseam)... seriously I'm kinda nauseous over here, until we get it! Who wants to do that, and yet we do it every day! We choose things that are not healthy for us, whether it be wasting time on the internet (guilty), eating for the fun of it rather than the fuel of it (guilty), watching mindless entertainment on T.V. rather than contributing our time to something more useful (guilty), spending frivolously as needs go unmet (guilty), the list could likely go on, but I'm getting depressed over here (j/k.... kinda). We satiate appetites for the useless without ever questioning why, because in the grand scheme of things we tell ourselves they aren't hurting anyone, and they certainly don't seem to be hurting US, so why would we question it!?!

Don't go thinking this epiphany has elevated me to any new level of consciousnesses, it's not like I'm never watching another Modern Family or having a plate of nachos again, not by a long shot! BUT...I do find it interesting that it doesn't even hit my radar as being excessive until it is cut out completely, and the fact that when we're successful in such efforts that we have to make sure SOMEONE notices! I find a little bit of comfort that its not just me, our entire nation is a swimming cess-pool of pride, but if we're being honest how long does someone really want to find comfort with that analogy?

Going back to Sunday's sermon I learned that pride is birthed out of insecurities, makes sense. Someone doesn't feel secure enough so they have to shout from the roof tops their successes so they an be filled up with assurances, and until they find the root of their insecurity and remove it, they're doomed to repeat the cycle. I should warn you (if you haven't picked up on this by now) my brain tends to work in extreme, all or nothing situations.... In my depiction your either Jesus or the Devil himself, not realistic expectations. I think I'm picking up my theme for 2012... its all about balance, and finding the right balance.

Oh how I wish it were easier, but things that are worth it rarely are!

2012 Fast Kick Off

We started our church wide fast this morning. Having just completed the Daniel Fast in November, I wasn't really feeling a repeat of those recipes quite yet, so I opted for the only other kind of fast I'd ever heard of.... A liquid fast.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!

It really doesn't help matters that for the last two weeks, I've put off any/all effort toward portion control and/or healthy eating because I knew the Fast was imminent. Oh yeah... and I may have also gone out last night with the girls for a 'last supper' of sorts, and enjoyed steak, potatoes, and an enormous fudge brownie with two scoops of ice cream... and I may or may not have basically licked the plate clean.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!

The results of my careful preparation? By 2pm today my stomach was growling SO loudly that I couldn't process one single other thought. I was downing glasses of water, and had drank half of my lemonade concoction. I was S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G.

It was about 2 hours past this moment, when I started to get a little light headed and tired, and thought maybe just maybe, I had gone about this 'slightly' the wrong way. (I'm a baby faster, oh the things I have to learn)! Around this time Kevin got home, and I posed the question to him that maybe I should have a banana or something. It may have been the half crazed look in my eye that alerted him this was a good, VERY good idea, and he should quickly encourage me to do so.

He reassured me this did not constitute breaking the fast, mere hours into it, and that I needed to ease myself into the liquids only. So I ate the best banana that EVER existed, and a handful of nuts and regained my composure. Hindsight being 20/20, yes I should have taken these steps in the last few days to set myself up for success, but I'm going with the live & learn mentality, claiming some grace over my poor choices leading up to today.

So you can follow the efforts here if you want, I'm sure there will be a few more sugar shock moments as I ease into the 100% water (with lemons/limes/and a TBLS of maple syrup to taper the tart) fast, and given my longest duration of that (successfully) was only 10 days, we'll see what day 11-21 holds. I figure if/when I have to vary from the goal of the water fast, as long as I stick to fruits/nuts/raw veggies then its a close 2nd to having juiced them.... and the fact that my kids don't have to watch mom pass out and fend for themselves, is a strong motivator to accept a little grace throughout this process.

Oh yeah, for any wondering why, or what I'm fasting for....

Last year was an amazing year, and we started it with my first fast ever, praying for Caleb's healing and a baby for one of my bestie's, both of which were answered! This year, I've got more friends than I can count that are single and have been praying for that one special guy for FAR too long! I know I shouldn't doubt God providing husbands for literally like 20 of them this year, but I've got a couple that I'm believing with that THIS is their year, that come the 2013 fast they will be in a serious committed relationship... and I'd like for him to have better put a ring on her by then as well, but hey that's just me :)

Off the Wagon

Sooooo... I haven't blogged here in like a week. That might lead one to believe I've already fallen off the wagon less than 2 weeks into the New Year. One would be right.

It's not my fault sounds really good here.... I got side tracked roughly 5 days ago by The Momastery and have been held up there ever since. My house stayed clean for about a week, I'm still flying by the seat of my pants for dinner each night, (despite the fact I did write down a list of 10 meals to make and bailed after 3), but I HAVE made it to the gym at least twice a week, so hey I've got that still going for me.

Click that link... then live there for a week like I have, but maybe stick with your goals too... the two don't have to be mutually exclusive like they were for me.

Living there for the week has been WAY more cathartic than a clean house or perfectly planned meal calendar would have been for me, so I'm claiming some grace as I'm come off my blog bender. There are still MANY more archived messages I'll continue to pour over as time allows, but I had to at least pop back in over here and let anyone that will listen know they need to get their hineys over there for some wisdom, mixed with grace and humility with a healthy dose of humor! I'm pretty much convinced she is my soul sister, and she is somehow able to channel my thoughts into hilarious posts for her blog.

This Sunday launches the start of our 2012 Fast, which will provide an awesome three week window to zero in on what God's actually got planned out for the 2012 year, so that's also been a rather large temptation to eat ALL things NOT Fast approved in my attempt to over do it and not miss them so much. I'm almost 100% sure this is not what you are supposed to do going into a fast.... Almost 100% sure.

I'm sure I'll be commenting plenty on the status of the fast like I did last year, I'm still debating whether or not I'll fast facebook again this time, it was pretty beneficial last year, so I'm leaning towards it, but oh how I'll miss the world... But since God overcame the world, then maybe I should try too :) At least I'll have this place to meet any and all who might miss me in the FB stratosphere!

Gym Day... Ugh!

O.k. I'm on a blog roll.... Why... because this blog is the last thing keeping me from where I SHOULD be going right now. Where is that? The gym!

It's somewhat comical to me at this point how much I loathe the act of getting ready to go to the gym... Getting work out clothes on, packing a bag to shower and change when I'm done, and getting in the car. Truly, once I'm in the car the battle is over. It's the fact that currently I'm working in my jammies sitting on my comfy bed, with my social media and blogs to my left and work on my right. The fact that I'm warm and cozy and Facebook as alerted me through friends that its roughly 18 degrees outside right now is not helping the cause!

I find myself wondering WHY I loathe it so much. People would KILL for this kind of flexibility and I'm making excuses for myself that I might miss an e-mail or I.M.. If I still worked in an office setting I wouldn't think twice about stepping away for an hour lunch, and there have been plenty of times I've been hijacked to a cube conference for an hour and away from my computer then too. So my nervousness as to missing something is totally unwarranted.

Alright, pity party over.... telling the world what a sad sack of excuses I am seems to be a good source of motivation for me. There is the small allure of interacting with the world, that place that exists outside the 4 walls of my home, some people greet it daily. It's only been a two day stretch this time for me, but let's not make it three!

Here we go.... No seriously... I'm really going.... NOW!

Yeah, I kinda rocked today.... NBD.

I'm so thankful that you can't jinx God! I was just thinking that as I finished putting the dishes away a few minutes ago, at 9:45 at night. I was walking just a little bit taller, and yeah there may have been a little pride there in having rocked today, but then that wonderful thought popped in my head.

My brain had started down the familiar path, of don't get too big for your britches there Miss Thang, you'll do something to screw it up tomorrow, and you still haven't gone to the gym in the New Year now have you? Best not get too big in bragging about the fact, that your house is still spick and span now two days in a row, you made veggie lasagna for dinner AND a crock pot of Potato soup for lunches this week. You worked a full back from vacation day, getting through 200 e-mails and a conference call with your boss, while watching both your kids AND having fun with them. You gave them both baths, let your husband go watch a basketball game with friends, and still snuggled them both with a movie night before getting them to bed, and still have just a bit of time to write and read myself! I had myself convinced that while I was awfully proud of the hard work I'd done today, that surely I couldn't post about it all, else I might put a jinx on myself and my productive two days, drawing my 2012 motivation kick to an end just 3 days into the New Year.

Then it hit me... I can't jinx God, and if I'm being honest, he's the ONLY reason today went as smoothly as it did! Sure I didn't go to the gym today, but let's be honest... exactly when could I have gone??? Although, with my house clean, food cooked, and work caught up with, I'm quickly running out of excuses to stay out of the gym...... Yes, my Achilles heel... the gym... requires SO much motivation (supernatural motivation) to just get there! I agree with the masses, once I'm there, or better yet, DONE, I'm thrilled. Must.... Get... To... The.... Gym! It's the only way this motivation train is gonna keep on chuggin, cause if I feel good it will permeate everything else! Guess I better read and get some sleep then, so tomorrow can be my gym day.... (really trying to drum up some excitement about that, but all I can end this with is Ugh!)

Desires and Dreams for 2012

It's nap time, my feet are tucked into fuzzy slippers, my house is so clean from my frenzy yesterday, and all I can hear are the frequent gusts of winter air blowing powerfully on the other side of my single pane windows, it makes my warm house feel that much cozier! A perfect moment to sit and ponder all my desires for 2012.

I want to read the bible daily.
I want to run a half marathon.
I want to meal plan.
I want to eat more organic, less meat, and fewer sweets.
I want to find a schedule that works, incorporating work time, kid time, husband time, and me time.
I want to write.
I want a clean house.
I want to have another babe.
I want to travel.
I want to volunteer for an organization that helps kiddos.
I want to go deeper in relationships.
I want to teach Caleb how to read and write.
I want to volunteer some place where the kids, or at least Caleb can help.
I want to sign Caleb up for spring soccer.
I want to listen more and talk less.
I want to believe the unbelievable, love the unloveable, and give grace to the unworthy.

I want to be perfect, but I'm not, I'm human.... So I'm on my quest for balance, as evidence by yesterday. I achieved a clean house, but in my efforts to maintain, convinced the hubs for dinner out and induldged in some Hot wings and fries (I'm sure neither being organic ;).
I was intentional in avoiding the word goal this time around... as goal ascribes a requirement of attainment for success, where as desire is mearly a statment.

Throughout 2012 I will be taking steps in fulfillment toward all of the above, as much as they are within my control, and relying on God for the rest, being ever thankful for grace but not using it as an excuse to ease up. I'm so excited to see all the God has planned for this year, in, through, and around me!

If I had to take today as my barometer for the year, so far we're doing good :) On my first day back to work after a week off, with ~200 e-mails waiting for me, Stephanie came down with the stomach flu and called in sick (which I'm totally thankful for, so as to quarantine her flu). Having the house in order from yesterday, went a long way in allowing me to keep my cool with the boys, as they played while I worked, and we ALL worked together on putting the mess away when we're done. They did art while I worked, they ate lunch while I worked, and by nap time I was able to take this little half hour siesta to write a little, for some 'me time', finish up some of the work, and get ready to use some helpful little hands to put together some meals for later.

Now if I can coordinate my week to look like today, but incorporating a few other desires throughout the week, and with an enormous helping hand from Stephanie when she's feeling better, and ofcourse the big guy, we can knock this year outta the park!