Lunch w/ Ann Voskamp

I had lunch with Ann Voskamp today.  It was so brief, she didn't even know about it, but it had quite the impact on me.

 I've been following all the happenings of the IF: movement, since it went public, and desperately wanted to attend the conference down in Austin.  Unfortunately it sold out its 1200 seats in 45 minutes, and I missed my chance.  Then the founders launched an auction for a few more seats WITH the opportunity to snag dinner with Ann Voskamp and Bianca Olthoff to sweeten the pot, and I was all but drooling.  Enter the teensy, tiny, fact that I have bills and babies, and the ever increasing bids upwards of $5K immediately squelched the ever so brief dream.

The dream may have crashed before it ever really took off, but my day dreams had just started taking flight.  Suddenly my lunch time turned into my date with Ann, (I didn't mean to slight Bianca, I'm sure I would have a lovely time with her too, but my brain is a fickle creature, and simply didn't add her to the day dream).  There we were, me all starry eyed, her wondering if my lack of speech was indicative of a developmental delay, or if I was about to go all single white female on her..... Neither of course being true.  When I finally managed to regain command over my speech, I asked my first, not realizing it would be my last, question.  "How do you do it?"..... An innocent enough question at face value, but toss in that she is a mother of 6, who Home schools, speaks around the world, and writes NY Times Best sellers, and it gets slightly more loaded.

Her response, in my fictitious daydream, shifted the entire paradigm in my very real... reality.  "Same as you", she said.

My brain tried its best to sabotage that small truth with its aptly rehearsed lies...  "No, No, No.... You are amazing"  (with the implied, I'm not) "I could never do what you do"..... It really was amazing how quick and fierce they came, one after the other.   But her little truth, just sat back there marinating for a bit..... and then started to build momentum.

You like to write too, accolades don't matter....  You have your babies too, how many doesn't matter..... You speak too, crowds don't matter....  You are being faithful in your attempt at Home School too, I've just had more time... more practice.

And then, ever so quietly, behind that internal conversation, I heard "Be faithful with little things, and more will be given" (Lk 16:10)....

Ok.... so I guess I had lunch with Ann Voskamp, AND God..... I know, I keep pretty cool company these days, and I didn't have to spend $5k to do so, Kevin will be thrilled ;)

Fake lunch is over... time to get a real one!

The Author of Insane

I had to go 'back to work' yesterday.  Twelve weeks FLEW by.  You know that weird place where you don't feel entitled to your own feelings.  That simply by feeling them, you are betraying some unwritten rule.  That's how I felt.  When there are 30+ other women pregnant with you at the same time, and you watch 50%+ have to endure that excruciating day, where they leave their sweet lil babe behind for the first time and return to work, you come up short.

Then I read THIS.  It helped put into words a little of what I was feeling, and that much of the anxiety I was feeling, I was bringing on myself.  Two weeks ago, Kevin and I went on a double date into DC.  This was when I realized I really wanted "sporty" mom to rise to the surface so I could burn off/firm up the fluff AJ left behind.  With work impending, "corporate" mom also needed to find her place in the shuffle, and as I continue playing with what Home School looks like in our house, "teacher" mom is clamoring for her place at the table as well.  Then "cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, loving on kids, and nursing" mom couldn't be silenced either.... while "wife" nagged in the back of my head....and even on top of that was still "me".    What resulted was a mini-implosion.  One step forward, resulted in two steps back.  I was overwhelmed.   I shut down.  I don't think you would notice it from the outside, maybe you could, I thought I hid it well.  Rather than embracing that it's a LOT to wrap my brain around, I just started yelling at myself to get my act together, toe the line of thankfulness, and it just resulted in a whole lot of unproductivity.

I don't think its quite possible for guys to understand 'girl' brain.  Imagine a room, where sporty, corporate, teacher, and catch 'all mom are talking at the same time as wife, self, and friend.  Then toss in the enemy shouting lies over all that, and a 'quiet' voice trying to tell you which way to go.  Add to that any kids you have asking you questions at the same time, and an infant screaming to be fed, held, or played with, and hearing that 'quiet' voice becomes quite the challenge.  

A glimpse into the chaos that was my head:

How do I schedule my day?  We need groceries.  What am I going to cook?  How much work am I going to walk back into?  Man, my house is a MESS. This is hard.  No, you can't say this is hard, I'm supposed to speak life.  O.k....   I can do this. How?  How am I going to do this?  Stop it Julie, that is not faith, you're supposed to trust.  I do.... shut up self.   Seriously though, how am I supposed to work out, have a quiet time, work, clean, shop, cook, and school?  You're not.  Thanks God, I appreciate the grace there, but I am.  No.  Your not.  O.k.... which one don't I do?  You do them all.  God... your contradicting yourself, your not supposed to do that.  I wouldn't do that, if you didn't interrupt me.   Sorry.  You do them all, at different times, I'm working on discipline and obedience.   RIIIIIIGHT...... not my strong suits.   Alright, I hope you have a solid game plan for this God, cause I can't see past about 5 minutes in front of me.... speaking of which, writing this blog, can I do that?  Am I wasting time?   No, this is my gift to you.... words.... time to think and get it out of your head so you can move on.   Now move on.

O.k. God.... I think I got it.... but maybe you don't go to far away alright, cause this is a little insane.
Sweet daughter, you forget, I'm the author of insane, and I've never left your side.

Left of Center

I'm taking a few Regent classes this fall again, through the Leadership Institute our church has, and I busted out laughing at our homework question for the day.  This weeks reading had to do with discovering our true, God-given selves, and living lives that complement that self, using the gifts God gives us, and staying within the boundaries/limits He imposes.

My true self, is an extreme extrovert.  My element is surrounded by people, coordinating events, hosting things, creating community, listening to people's life story and connecting with them through my own.  I love order and process.  So living under house arrest as an employee from home, while surrounded by the constant chaos of three kids 5 and under, and being called to home school, seems about as polar opposite from my 'true self' as one could get.

The reading gave 'some warning signs that indicated we might be straying from the center of God's will for our lives':

·             I am anxious

·         I am rushing or hurrying

·         My body is in a knot

·         I am doing too many things

·         My mind cannot stop racing

·         I am driving too fast

·         I am not able to fully present with people

·         I am irritable about the simple tasks of life, like having to wait in line at the supermarket.

·         I am skimming over time with God.

According to those warning signs, I would be tempted to draw the conclusion that God and I were no longer even on the same map, let alone anywhere NEAR center.  I always knew I was a few degree's left of center ;)  However, I also know God has placed me here in this season of life, blessed me with the same wonderful family that engenders all those crazy feelings, and is using ALL of it to perfect the work He began in me.

But seriously.... I would love to meet the mother of young children that would not say yes, to close to 90% if not the full 100% (like me) of the things on this list.  Anxious..... It's relative.  I have peace, that ultimately it's God's plan for their/my lives, and I'm just stewarding the gifts He's given me to the best of my ability.  However, when you read Mark 9:42, tell me you don't gulp just a little, praying to God you don't cause your kids to stumble through your own short comings.    It's like a mafia hit or something... mill stone around the neck and tossed into the sea.... hello Jersey & the East River?!?

Rushing/Hurrying/Doing to many things..... I'm pretty sure that is the definition of Motherhood, as defined by Urban Dictionary.

My body is in a knot.... every single day, when the baby is sleeping and a loud noise inevitably crashes through the house.... so the ENTIRE nap time as both older boys play WAR.

Fully present.... yes of course, I'm fully present, as my children interrupt me 46 times an hour.

Irritable about the simple tasks of life.... Nothing is simple with small children... ESPECIALLY the line at the supermarket.

Driving too fast.... no I prefer to go the speed limit, while the infant is losing his ever loving mind in his car seat, because some one poked him, or hit him with a flying object that the other two were tossing about.

Skimming over my time with God.... This one is a hit or miss... time in His word.... skimming is likely accurate.... however we are in constant conversation throughout the day, as I mumble "Help me Jesus", or ask for direction in which of the 37 tasks I could complete is the one I should actually do next.

The assignment did provide some interesting food for thought though, after I got past the uncontrolled giggle fest.  Too often I'm tempted to focus on the 'fun' parts of God's Word, His Grace, His desire for Good in our lives.  I want to believe that if its tough, if it hurts, if I don't want to do it.... I shouldn't have to, I mean God wants me to be happy right?  It's not as sexy to read the parts of getting refined by fire, about the trials He guarantees we'll face.  That's what helps me remember, that His happy.... is an eternal Happy.  The happy that comes from succeeding at something that was insanely difficult.... a life well lived.  Raising kids is HARD, pouring into your marriage can be hard, but at the end of the day, doing so day after day, year after year.... will be the thing that gets me to the end of my life, satisfied with a life well lived.

Brotherly Love... or Not

There is a common misconception that church folk are supposed to have it all together.  Perfect marriages, obedient and well behaved children, slow to anger, etc...

Then there is real life.

We had AJ dedicated on Sunday.  Which means I actually cared what my kids walked out of the house wearing that morning.  Socks matched, pajama shorts were vetoed, and we had to have a long discussion as to why the tux, while rightfully reserved for special occasions, could not make an appearance on stage this particular Sunday.  

Clothing should have been the least of my concerns.

Our church likes to capture pictures of events like dedications and baptisms to use in future promotions, marketing, etc.... so they have a team of volunteer photographers that capture these special occasions.  They captured a little something extra special this past Sunday.... Enjoy the following series of shots.........

The boys decided to take it upon themselves to display their brotherly love.... Caleb incites Logan with the 'stink eye'

Logan assesses the situation.... all adults are otherwise preoccupied... no witnesses... SCORE.... I see your stink eye and raise you a KICK IN THE FACE!

Notice the high cheeks on Logan's face... smiling, rather proud of himself, while Caleb recovers from his whiplash!

Oh no.... Dad's got tight lips and a death grip on my leg now.... But I can still smile, cause Caleb hasn't recovered yet.

Blasted... Denied for round 2.... but Dad's at least smiling now... and so are the Pastor's... maybe I can get away with this cause I'm cute???

Thanks Logan, for keeping it 'real'..... We'd hate for people to struggle thinking they have to have it all together to go to church.... at least they can rest assured their kids aren't trying to concuss their siblings on stage.

For The People?!?

School house rock's "I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill", and a years worth of government in high school is the extent on my education the political workings of our great nation.  I still say great nation, because I believe at our heart we are.  Unfortunately I've become thoroughly convinced in these last few months/years that we are not what our Constitution says, "A government by the people, of the people, and for the people".  Of the people sure... my children are 'of the people'.  "For the people" is outright laughable, and by the people is debatable at best.

I'm pissed.  What is happening right now is wrong to its core, and I want desperately to do something about it, and I know I'm not alone.  The problem, I have no idea what TO DO.  The only things I've ever heard/seen are to march for your beliefs, or write/call your congressman.  I'm honestly curious if that has ever worked for anyone?  Seriously comment if it did, cause I wanna know.  Which leaves me with likely 90%+ of the rest of the population.... pissed, with nothing to do about it.

These are the facts I've heard in the last week, if they are wrong, I'd appreciate someone correcting them for me, cause it would likely help give me better perspective on this whole thing:

• All furloughed employees are getting retro-active pay.  Which in my world means us tax payers will be footing the bill for this indeterminate paid vacation, where we don't even have access to the perks of the taxes we are required to pay. (Monuments, Museums, Parks, etc...)  http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/house-votes-to-approve-back-pay-for-furloughed-workers/2013/10/05/936c5b4c-2ddc-11e3-8ade-a1f23cda135e_story.html
• The deadlock comes down to arguments over the Affordable Care Act/Obamacare, which is NOT affordable, unless your in America illegally, incarcerated, or living below the poverty line... Quoted from the government news article.(http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/DC-Decoder/2013/1001/Obamacare-101-What-to-know-if-you-opt-out-of-buying-health-insurance). So that 'middle class' relief that was discussed.... lie.  The 'calculator' link (http://kff.org/interactive/subsidy-calculator/) showed my family would have to pay a $10K+ premium, and additionally $12K is our max out of pocket.  For reference our current insurance is more than HALF that!
• Also, from all the media hype I'm hearing the shutdown is the Republicans fault for not signing off on funding Affordable Care Act.  I'm sorry, but when I saw the chart of what our debt has climbed to and is projected to continue based on this legislature, it is simply irresponsible to NOT stand in its way until an alternative can be presented.  With the majority party in office currently being Democratic, stop pointing fingers and find a better way to fund what you want!  https://www.cbo.gov/publication/44521.....  For all the flack GW caught, at least the line held for his 8 years.... then it doubles almost overnight.... how does that not scare anyone else???  You can't blame EVERYTHING on someone else, at some point you've got to stand up and take responsibility.
• When people do follow process, attend town halls, and raise valid points, they are forcibly ejected and arrested.  http://foxnewsinsider.com/2013/09/21/watch-father-forcefully-ejected-town-hall-forum-asking-common-core-question

So what can we do?  How do we clean house, literally?  Any ideas???