The Great Healthcare Debate... no not Obama's... mine

Why does health care have to be the BIGGEST pain in the butt!?! I want to find a good (dare I say it... great) Internist. I just learned this word today. Apparently its a fancy word for Doctor that specializes in overall adult care... we find pediatricians for our babes, and apparently 'Internists' are for the parents. In my research, this was better than finding an overall 'Family Care Provider' or 'General Practioner', because those Dr's have to know very little about everything from Diaper Rash to early onset Alzheimer's.... Instead I'll stick with Pediatricians specializing in all things to do with my babes, and find an Internist that is schooled in the art of identifying and addressing the issues that plague us as we age.

I found a great one.... I REALLY want to go to her. All of the information about the practice was how it specializes in treating the whole patient, mind, body, and soul through a collection of homeopathic and natural treatments. Don't worry peeps, I'm not going all woooosaaaa on you, my soul is covered, and quite healthy, as I have THE Great Physician taking care of things on that front... and he's free.... if only the rest could be that good! However, the natural, homeopathic methods for treating ailments is right up my alley. They're approach is a minimum of an hour initial visit to understand the patient and their needs, and do a full work up to understand what they're working with. It's not even on the same playing field as 99.9% of the other options out there, that will allow the nurse to weigh you, check your blood pressure, then sit you in a room for 10 minutes while you wait for a Doc... who will work with you for all of MAYBE 10 minutes prior to giving you some off the cuff diagnosis and moving on, possibly offering half a dozen pill popping prescriptions as your door prize for your trouble.... but then again you may have to wait for the 2nd or 3rd visit to actually get those.

So what am I complaining about.... why don't I just go to this wonderful woman?!? She is out of network, because the work they provide doesn't gel with the billing practices of Insurance companies that pay by how many patients you're able to see in an hour. God forbid you see ONE patient in an hour... Well actually God didn't forbid that at all.... these money grubbing insurance companies did! Grrrrrrr!!!!! The initial visit without insurance is $235.... yes QUITE a bit steeper than the $10 copay to grin and bear the machine that is in-network healthcare.

So now I'm torn. I want quality... this is my health we are talking about. For any I may have concerned that I'm dying or something with this post... rest assured, as far as I know I'm perfectly healthy. I would just like to stay that way, and am trying to find that ONE Dr. I feel comfortable sticking with that would actually be intelligent and diligent enough to identify something if it should come up in the future. Do I pay the steep price for the practice that matches what I'm looking for.... or continue taking my chances that in a 10 minute meeting once a year, some random Doc's gonna be able to tell me with any level of accuracy if something is actually wrong?

It would appear as though I answered my own question. The hiccup is I'm healthy, why mess with a good thing? If I thought there was something to find, I wouldn't blink at that price tag, but when I've been blessed with health for 29.5 years and paid nothing for it, my brain doesn't understand the logic of paying that kind of money, when a different Dr. could give me the same physical for a fraction of the cost.

What to do? The Great Debate continues....

Remembering Who I Am

This is a midnight post, even if my dumb time stamp doesn't ever record properly, so I warn you in advance... this is Julie 'unplugged'... It may not make sense, it probably won't flow, but I had a lot in my head I wanted to get out so I could go to sleep :)

Did anyone watch Private Practice tonight? I did, and one of the story line sequences stuck with me. The story line was of this woman, she was in a car accident just before learning she was pregnant and couldn't retain any memory since the accident, not even a conversation occurring moments before, or the fact she was pregnant... despite a growing belly. For anyone that saw that Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler Movie... pretty much the same thing, only were Drew could remember everything until she slept again, this women couldn't remember past 2-3 minutes.

So I was at Sisterhood tonight (did ya' like that transition... yeah sleepy time), they did their first annual Night of Pink, a night bringing awareness to Breast Cancer and honoring supporting any and all who are impacted by it, the ladies who set up knocked it outta the park, looked amazing! Anyway, Taryn get's up and starts in on her message... (sidebar... I love how real Taryn is, and that she's willing to share her 'hot mess' moments with us, especially when those speak directly to every insecurity I hold about being a mom.) Right...back to the message... It was about "Remember who we are, Remember who God is, and Remember all that he still has to do through us".

Go back with me now to the Private Practice episode that came on 15 minutes after I got home from hearing that message. Guess who feels like the lady in the car accident with a 2 minute recall button now?!?

Seriously people, my dementia is BAD... I think there might be a slight touch of adult ADHD in there to (I know... massive shocker to so many of you) which doesn't help matters. Yes, I know my name, and all my memories are still in tact.... but most days I honestly feel like I could be walking around and someone could be telling me "You are a cherished daughter of God, loved beyond all comprehension, and capable of anything" and two minutes later (or less some days) I could look back at them blankly and say "huh?"

It mirrors so closely to the story line, because I can draw up pretty much ANY pre-believing (or pre-accident as the storyline goes) memory with ease.... and dwell there for as long as I want (or usually don't want).... but after... if I don't have my reminders telling me who I am and what that means, I can forget all to easily. It reinforces to me JUST how important the community you are surrounded with is. When I'm away from a strong message for too long, I feel it.... If I'm surrounded by negativity or negative influences, I feel it.... Heck if I'm by MYSELF for too long... and I don't force my mind to retain my new memories, the old ones come in, take hold, and it can be quite the fight in my brain for whose gonna win that one. (Yes, there are quite often voices in my head, but I seem to be a functioning psychotic, so let's keep the straight jackets put away just for a little while, shall we?).

Well that's it... That was my big Ah-ha moment of the night that I had to get out of my head so it didn't keep spinning. Luckily now that I have an image in my head, of my so called 'dementia', I can use some of the tactics they employed to battle it... Constant reminders, posted everywhere, at every turn, reminding me who I am and what that means.

Now if I can JUST remember to do that in the morning.... wait... what was I saying again.... Goodnight all!

Loving the Mess

Caleb came to my room last night, around midnight, and in a very small quiet voice asked if he could snuggle. Given the rather raucous noises my nose has been making the past few nights, Kevin had opted to sleep down stairs, so I told Caleb he could climb in but that I'd have to take him back to his bed in a bit.

We snuggled, his tiny warm body curled right into mine, and his little hand resting on my arm. I was loving every second of it, but knew I could not sleep like this, so started to stir with the intent of moving him back to his bed. He gripped my hand, and with his lower lip jutted out and a slight quiver to his voice said, "No mommy, please let me stay here, I don't want the big man to get me."

This, of course, sent about a million alarms ringing in my head, and I had to fully vet it out. So we started down the line of questioning on what big man, when did he get you, what in the world are you talking about... After learning that this big man had apparently been at the park when Logan and I had been with him (of which I could definitely confirm had not happened in reality), I was slightly at ease this had only occurred in dreamland. However, real or not, no big man was going to be getting my son that night, so he had secured his spot next to me for the remainder of the night. I didn't get much sleep, as I had predicted, but I did enjoy every minute snuggling my little man.

Three and a half years into this parenting thing and I still can't seem to get a pulse on how quickly situations change when it comes to kids.... I mean the day before you have a kid, you can't imagine what your life will look like with them in it... then seconds after you meet them, you can't imagine life without them. One minute your calmly answering the 3000th "why" of the day, or bouncing the screaming baby, and the next second you snap in frustration, then just as quickly lapse into the horrible mama guilt for having not held your cool. Or, last night, I plan cuddle for a few minutes waiting for the comfort of my own bed to fall asleep, and moments later I could care less about staying up all night as the protector of all things seen and unseen.

It shocks me how many times my perspective shifts in one day, I can't keep up. One minute I'm thinking, this is the LONGEST season of my life, will my house NEVER be clean again, will the dependence never end... Then I'll get a hug, hear an "I love you Mama", or snuggle away a nightmare and wonder how many more times I'll have the power to chase away the bad with a hug. How long will this season last, where he'll run up and hug me for no reason and tell me how much he loves me, where he'll walk up to strangers in the grocery store, stick out his hand introduce himself, and ask that stranger "How's your day?". I love the fact the season of sweetness is extended as Logan nips at Caleb's heels, and think of having another to extend the sweetness even further.... then I cringe thinking of all the insanity that would ensue with another.

While I haven't gotten a pulse on how suddenly, and seemingly without provocation, my moods can shift.... I am SLOWLY learning how to adjust to this dichotomy no one told me to expect when having children. I used to struggle with the Love/Hate relationship... Loving my children, hating the mess.... Loving my children, hating the whining.... Loving my children, hating the sleeplessness/exhaustion. In the last week or so though, I've stumbled across enough blogs, articles, etc... that have shifted my perspective. I could avoid the mess, the whining, and the sleeplessness.... but then I wouldn't have my kids.

I'm thinking about having that last line creatively drawn/stenciled and hung someplace in my house as a daily reminder.... cause Lord knows I need to be reminded of it daily! I'm trying to love the mess, and the whining, and the sleeplessness, because loving that is loving the fact my kids are here in this sweet stage. So I'm gonna go love (well try... well maybe I'll start off by not hating... how about just enjoying... is that possible?) the laundry, and dishes, and dinner making, and cleaning the pee up from all around the toilet because my dear sweet boy still turns his whole body when looking anywhere other than directly forward. But hey, he's outta diapers, so gotta love that right!

Blog Therapy :)

I'm an affirmation junkie. It's true. Say something nice about me, and I'm pretty much putty in your hands! Case in point, the sales lady at Smooch, lathering on the compliments about how good the blood red lipstick/liner combo looked on me. Two minutes later I had spent $49 on a lipstick combo... FORTY NINE DOLLARS.... on LIPSTICK. Literally seconds after I walked out of the store, reality set in. I'm not a Blood Red lipstick kinda girl, nor do I spend that kind of money on lipstick! Yes, I was going for that 'vintage' look for Rebecca's wedding make-up, but the other 364 days of the year, that color would reside securely in one of my purse pouches, never again seeing the light of day!

I sheepishly had to walk back into the store 15 minutes later, and acknowledge that after trying on a couple different shirts with my new look, I hadn't actually been able to look at the shirt once, cause my eyes were glued to my lips, and I just couldn't take it. Luckily the 'no return policy' didn't apply to purchases that were only in your possession for 15 minutes, but suffice it to say the affirmations about me that had so recently been POURING out of her own lips had quickly dried up into a thin line of tightly pursed lips as she struggled through the return.

I've been blogging for going on 2 years now, sometimes more consistently than others :). I do it mostly for me, as an outlet for the insanity that resides in my head, but being the junkie I am, its fun knowing other people read it and enjoy it from time to time as well. My dream job would definitely be writing full time. What would I write... who knows... maybe just blogs, but it would be awesome to get paid for basically just having a conversation on paper, cause let's face it.... I love to talk even more than I love to write.

I find no coincidence in my blogging activity picking up at about the same time as my adult conversational hours took a rapid nose dive! Yes, shortly before welcoming #2 and the subsequent months that followed were some of my most regular posting months. Why? Because after satisfying Caleb's 11'dy billion word per day quota, and listening to the incessant chatter of Logan as background noise, being able to have a one sided conversation, where the background noise was silence is perfection! It's like my own personal shrink couch, without the hourly fee!

From the sheer number of mommy blogs out there, I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one who has discovered and is now shamelessly exploiting this form of free therapy. They always say what women crave most is someone to listen to them, without heaping unsolicited advice at them. Cha-ching... jackpot baby, this is it! You can tell yourself, the whole world is listening (even if logic tries to rain on your parade and convince you, that likely only a small percentage of those following you are actually listening, so for me, that might be one person), and then when you want advice, you can tailor the responses you find to those that suit your season of life, beliefs, etc.... by leafing through a few fellow blogs until you find a writer that speaks to you. For example, I follow a few close friends whose stories, struggles, crazy life moments affirm that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, in the thick of this thing called life. I also follow a few 'inspirational' writers that I don't personally know, but whose writing style and stories inspire me to try harder, do better, and believe that it's possible.

I'm still trying to find that fine line between reading/writing about life and actually living it :). Hopefully some of my ramblings can be free couch therapy to another, and you can be assured, that you are no crazier than me!

Comfort in the Catch-Up

Ahhhh, the peace and quiet of home. There really is nothing quite like it. Kids have been in bed for going on 4 hours now, Kevin headed there about three hours ago himself(I need to go to bed). I'm alone and its silent. I watched a missed pod-cast from church last Sunday, then caught up on the blogs I like to follow, and then the thoughts started pouring in. Snip-its of conversations from last week, a picture of a face and then a memory that may have accompanied it from years ago, so I'm going with it, down memory lane.

Last week was awesome! A whirlwind week, that culminated with the wedding of my little sister, Rebecca. The wedding was amazing, they usually are, but when its someone within your immediate family, they are that much more special, because you know at least HALF, if not more of everyone in attendance. People who have known me for my entire life, had a hand in raising me, cousins I've played with and known for as long as I can remember, sisters standing side by side.

Sometimes its hard to believe I haven't lived there for going on 8 years now, but today, settling in back 'home', I feel those 8 years. Most of these people that I've 'known' my whole life, I don't KNOW anymore. Seeing them again satisfies the itch to feel like I still belong, they're still 'mine' and I'm their's.... but a few 15-20 minute rotating conversations, with participants tuning in/out, coming and going around us, isn't exactly the opportunity to figure out all the things I've missed. What's going on in their lives? Who are their people, and how are they doing? The conversations that can take an hour usually at minimum, and are best nurtured one on one, with a cup of tea, coffee, or cocoa (and no kids!)

What is it with family that make those conversations the ones that seem the most impossible to have? Is it the fact that we have all the history, the people interwoven through our lives are the same, and the memories we hold and the feelings they invoked do not always seem to be shared? That different points of view surrounding the events of our lives, end up more often as points of contention rather than conversation? With so many relational overlaps, is it fear that what we say to each other might not end there, and the reality that confirms it all to often doesn't? Or deep down, do we not really WANT to know or be known, because the last people we want to disappoint is our family....

There is a comfort in the catch-up. Yes, you still belong. Yes, you can still laugh at the hilarious memories you share, and affirm all the positives in your life, so that THOSE get passed around the family, and possibly touch on a more immediate struggle. There is the very real barrier of time/location to fall back on as an excuse for not going deeper, but is that all it is... an excuse? I wish I had the answers to all my questions... Wish I could be a pro at maintaining deep/meaningful long distance relationships. I always leave wondering if they know how much they mean to me, and usually feel a little guilty that they likely don't because I keep it just as light and easy.

Since there never seems to be 'the right time' for such conversations when I'm home, I figured rather than keeping the thought to myself, at least if I put it out here, ya'll would know. Whether it spurs a conversation in the future, or simply affirms the fact that I do care about you deeply and miss the chance at 'knowing' who you are now, I figured that's something. Know that I'm TRYING to figure out the right way to do this without being awkward, and that if I ask you some weird questions, it might be my 'attempt'... so try not to look at me like I've completely lost my mind :).

Love you guys... Despite any of our history, and our messy attempts at meddling, there is the undercurrent of love (there may have been a little loathing interspersed for good measure, but for the most part... love :) See ya'll at Christmas... maybe we'll have to have a cocoa date!!!

P.S. Congrats again Rebecca and Trav! Praying for ya'll to have an amazing marriage and life together, and so excited I will get to be a part of it for the long haul! Love you both!

I Love DC Metro Church Because...

Can you remember back to when you believed in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and other fanciful creatures, and the magic that surrounded them? The fervor you had to seek after, set traps for, and any number of other hair brained ideas in an attempt to catch of glimpse of the real deal? I loved that part of my childhood. My mom did an amazing job setting the stage for us. Helping us put the cookie plates together for Santa, with carrots for Rudolf, helping us write our letters of thanks to be placed by the fire place. Then at some time in the DEAD of night, knowing she would be waken by screaming children mere hours... maybe minutes... later, she managed to stage the living room in a way that left little doubt the big guy had REALLY been there. We had a hand written note from him detailing which wrapping paper went with which daughter, in scrawl that certainly wasn't my mom's, foot prints of enormous boot size right at the base of the fireplace, and half eaten treats from our plate strewn about. It was magical. It was a mystery. I simply believed, and I was happier for it.

Do you remember when you found out the magic wasn't real? The disappointment you felt, yet hid to preserve your pride, and you quickly joined the ranks of others declaring "believing is for babies", so you wouldn't be the outcast. I don't know about you, but I can say I was quite a bit happier in my belief. I gained nothing when I realized the handwritten note from Santa, was just mom's left handed writing, that the footprints from snow, were nothing more than Dad's boots dipped in flour, that the treats strewn about were just part of the act. I gained nothing, but a healthy dose of cynicism at having been 'duped', and somewhere around that time was when protecting my pride became more important than believing in what I couldn't see or do.

At some point along my journey into adulthood, I lumped a few other things into the category of make believe. Miracles. Prophesy. Speaking in Tongues. No one else I knew believed in these things, outside of the occasional horror story of a church that only spoke in tongues, and if you couldn't, then YOU were NOT a believer, because of course all believers could. I didn't want to be an outcast, so I joined ranks and scoffed at their existence along with the rest.

So.... knowing then, that your life had been happier with the magic of believing, what would you do when given the option to believe once again? Would you embrace it with an open mind, letting go of your pride for the chance to catch a glimpse of the Real Deal... enjoying the adventure into the unknown, or would you continue to scoff, protecting your pride, standing on your lofty perch of righteousness, feeling better about yourself as you declare all others mis-guided at best.

Church just started a new series called "I Love DC Metro Church Because...." each week speaking on a different tenant that makes our church awesome. Pretentious? Pastor David covered that in the intro of the first sermon... yes it is, but for anyone that goes there the tenants he speaks on are true, and its why we all love being there... so it is what it is :)

Enough of my blog posts over the last year that we've been here (I can't believe its been a year... CRAZY) have detailed different reasons why I think its awesome, but given the title of the series, I couldn't help but add one more to the list.

I Love DC Metro Church Because.... they've brought magic back into my life. Except where before the source of magic was rooted in a character, one I would truly never get the chance to encounter, now its rooted in my faith that if I look hard enough I can have encounters with God. The thing I'm still learning is it takes the fervor I had as a child to do it. I still have to search out places that he would be, and then not fall asleep (or get distracted with any number of things) while scouting him out. A few weeks ago my searching/scouting out/and believing paid off and I got to witness a miracle in the healing of a 3 year old little girl. Cynicism would chalk it up to good Dr's and time... but if you weren't there scouting it out and looking for it, if you weren't believing, you wouldn't have had the chance to see and feel what I did. It's not the same magic as childhood, where something comes from nothing... poof! It's better.

Does this kind of story happen everyday? Maybe not... but go back with me to Christmas morning again.... some years you would ask and ask and ask for that one special gift, and the day would come and go, and it wouldn't be under your tree. Was there dissapointment, sure, but it didn't end your life, and you looked at all the gifts you had surrounding you and found joy in those as well, and most importantly... you didn't stop believing. Then there was the year it WAS there, and the unspeakable joy that went with that moment of discovering he'd heard you, Wasn't it worth it, holding on to the belief despite past disappointments? I think so.

M. I. A.

So I realize I've been missing in action for almost 2 months now, to be honest, while a lot has happened, none of it was 'entertaining' blog worthy. I'll try to recap as best I can :)

A month ago we all headed back to Michigan to visit with family, and so I could be a part of my little sis's bachelorette party. We had an awesome time... save for the first night I'd suppose. We attended my dad's Family Reunion, and its big... like obscene big. My Grandpa's brother had 8 kids of his own, 6 of whom have also now had ~8+ kids of their own, then our whole side... So they rented out an entire campground... yes... the whole thing! The day was great catching up with everyone, but as people started turning towards bed, our make shift plan for the evening was Kevin and Caleb in a tent, and Logan and I sharing a twin, didn't pan out so well.

The boys in the tent did spectacular.... Me not so much. See we don't c0-sleep... EVER... so Logan is convinced this is the greatest game of his life, and will not leave me alone. When I try to force the issue, he loses his ever-lovin mind, in a cabin where 10 other people are trying to sleep. Out of courtesy, I take Logan to the car, and realize he's got quite a sore bottom, so figure I'll head to the grocery (with nothing better to do at midnight) to pick up some butt cream. What I didn't realize was the grocery store was 45mins away. As the drive got longer and longer, I decided I'd bag the campground and find myself a hotel for me and Logan and try to salvage the rest of the night. Unfortnetly I was informed by the helpful attendent at Meijer that my two choices were Motel 6, which apparently was the new ground zero for drug activity in Jackson MI, or the Red Roof Inn, next to the truck stop that was generally used more by truckers. Needless to say, just Logan and me at midnight, we drove all the way back to the campground and I sucked it up for the rest of the night letting Logan sleep in my chest, waiting for the first hint of pink in the sky.

After regaining my footing (and sleep) the next evening, I enjoyed time with family and friends throughout the week, waiting for the festivities of Friday Nights Bachelorette party! The evening was great! We suprised Beck with an ENOURMOUS stretch limo, and took the girls out to Grand Haven for Dinner at Kirby, where we ran into MSU Head Basketball coach TOM IZZO!!! We pretty much stalked him for a photo op, but it was totally worth it! Then we headed back to downtown GR for some dancing out on the town until the wee hours, overall a sucess and fun had by all!

While I was enjoying myself out with the girls, my WONDERFUL hub's had solicited the help of a handful of guys from church and moved to our new digs in Del Ray! We are loving the area, and still getting settled. I know, I know.... Where are the pictures?!? Well, exhaustion from all the activity... and the fact that the wee ones aren't exactly standing by patiently allowing us to unpack in peace, has kept me from getting ourselves settled as I would like before the big debut. I'm working on it and WILL post pictures when I get things positioned how I'd like.

Other than those two biggies, life has pretty much been trecking along. Our new day care provider for the boys started just after labor day, Stephanie. We all love her! The boys have a great time during the day, and I'm loving the fact my friend get's to come over and hang out with me for a bit everday.

Caleb and Logan are doing great, enjoying the park down the street, and I'm LOVING the fact I have a fenced in backyard again where I can shoo them out to play to run off some energy for awhile, as well as the basement to FINALLY conceal... just a bit... the total disaster they are able to make in minutes. I'll try to be more diligent about finding the funny again in our everyday adventures, its there, my brains just been to tired to remember it :)