New Year... New Life

2013 is shaping up to be a year full of anticipation for many.  I know of couples planning for a new life as husband and wife, others looking forward to new life as parents for the first time, and even more just looking to welcome a second or third child into their family.  My prayer for the New Year is for a blessed New Life for all. 

Whether it be a new life season, or a new life in Christ, times of change evoke strong feelings.  In 2012 God's brought our family through a pretty wide range of feelings and transition.  We started the year saying goodbye to two uncles and a grandfather, walked through our second miscarriage, wished many friends well as they left to start their own new seasons, and managed to re-rent our home in Texas from a thousand miles away.  Through each  transition a choice exists, to conform to the response the world would expect from change, or to be transformed as you allow God to renew your way of thinking.  We've been blessed in the past couple years to be surrounded by a community that challenges us to transform, and for that I'm thankful.

I'm praying as we enter 2013, myself along with everyone else can release feelings of anxiety we hold over situations we cannot control, that we forgive past hurts and release any bitterness or resentment that stem from them.  I pray our eyes can be opened to the needs of others we encounter, and the blessings we've already been given, rather than being jealous of the blessings we perceive others to have and our eyes blinded but what we think we lack.  I pray for God's protection over the innocent, the unborn, the abused, and the unwanted, that He provide as only He can.  I'm praying for the lives to be born, and those needing to be reborn, and for the grace we ALL will need to figure out how to deal with all this transition.  There is a whole lot wrong with the World, but I'm praying in 2013 we can focus on what is right, on life, and light, and hope.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, (as we exit 2012) whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil 4:8

Don't dwell on the negatives from 2012 and look forward to 2013 with this promise in mind: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope". Jer 29:11.

Happy New Year!

Resurfacing

Now that the all consuming, mind numbing, anticipation of life or death dramatics has passed, I feel like I'm just coming up from a very long submersion under water.  I don't think I realized it before, but I'm pretty sure I was holding my breath all last week.... Kevin kept wondering if something was wrong all afternoon as I sighed, over and over and over again. 

I noticed a few other things upon coming up for air.  My house is in absolute dissary, I have no food in the fridge, and the bright orange shutterfly box of my christmas cards has been sitting on my counter for over a week now.  This promptly caused me to start freaking out again.

Does anyone else get totally distressed over the Christmas Card process?   Because I'm cheap fiscally responsible, I opted for the cheapest most price concience card, and it still cost a small fortune.  Ofcourse, shutterfly would send out a coupon exactly 10 minutes after the 30 minute window to cancel my order had passed. Lovely. 

Everytime I get to that page of selecting order quantity, I freeze.  Every year I order slightly more, and every year its not enough.  I consult my 'list'.  My running address label word document, that allows me to avoid the inane task of individually addressing enevelops.  My head says its surely impossible to order this many.  My list says otherwise.  Then the heart palpitations start when I think about forgetting someone.  So when I resurfaced today, and realized if I were to send a card to everyone I loved, I'd need to order 300, I got overwhelmed and sat down with a handful of chocolate chips to think.

Upon realizing Christmas cards were not intended to cause this much stress, a concept more sane people grasp much more quickly, I decided the cards I have will go out, and after the appropriate amount of time for delivery, I'll post the card to FB.  I think the absence of air to the brain for a week, may have had something to do with how I prioritized Christmas cards above food and shelter, in the list of things to do.

Thank goodness its Tuesday and whole foods will feed me pizza again.... I guess that leaves the house!

Sono Update

We have a HEARTBEAT!!!!!  Hip Hip Hooray!!!!  Thank you God!!!!  Some people are good at dragging out news, really setting the stage and creating a build-up.  Me, not so much.

I actually slept alright last night, thanks to the many prayers I'm sure, and only really started to freak out again when I sat on the exam table.  It was shockingly small.  To the point that my heart actually dropped at first sight, convinced this was round three.  The tech did her thing, and was amazingly reassuring.  The baby is measuring smaller than I had anticipated, by almost a week, but the tech assured me that is likely attributed to being off on my count (which is certainly a possibility given how off EVERYTHING has been with the multiple miscarriages).

She looked into the bleed, and said it was a 'subchorionic hemmorage', which apparently is common and she said it was healing, and that everything else looks good.

We aren't out of the woods for sure, the baby is only measuring just under 7wks, so still 5 more weeks until we would pass the 12wk holy grail mark.  Still praying for health and protection all the way through, but thanking God for his faithfulness in answering my prayer for a healthy heartbeat.  150 BPM's.... I heard it.... I saw it.... Thank you God! 

Kevin asked on the way home if I was going to be more 'normal' now.  Its debateable if I've ever been normal, and most people reading this are likely female and can attest to the insane nature of our fantastic hormones.... so we'll see how normal I can be :)   I did reassure him however, that the heartbeat has calmed my immediate fears, and was the best possible gift I could get heading into the holiday season!

Thank ya'll again for the support, prayers, encouragement, and love this week!  So much to be thankful for, my heart is very full this morning!!!

Anxious For Nothing

I love people.  This week has not been an easy one, but there is power in prayer and I've felt it.  Thank you!

Up until my previous post, I'd been a straight up basket case, nut job.  I'm not kidding ya'll, loony toons.  My farthest stretch was when I was rationalizing that God, being good in all things, and having purpose in all things, meant if I were to miscarry 3 times in a row, that meant I had cancer.  Again, you probably think I'm kidding.... no one could make that far of a leap right?  My awesome brain can.  Let's see if you can follow my amazing logic.  The Dr's had confirmed after my last loss that if it happened a third time I would be tested.  So, logically, holding to the promise that God works all things together for my good, the purpose of a third miscarriage would be for me to get tested, so that they could discover some potentially fatal disease at stage 0 and take care of it.  Makes sense, right?

Logic has not been my strong suit recently.  Kevin deserves an award or something for listening to my insanity and responding with encouragement.... most of the time....  At one point he did express his deep appreciation for not being a woman, admitting we're crazy.  I couldn't argue with him.

I've found a lot more peace and hope in the last few days.  My anxiety has been replaced by an excited anticipation, knowing that I've done what I can and trusting God to respond to the faith filled prayers of so many.  The flip side of that, is no matter what I do, I don't control God and cannot manipulate His plan for my life, so holding my desires loosely is still a practice I'm working on.

With that being said.... now that I've posted my prayer request to the world, and have an indeterminate number of people wondering what the outcome of my Dr's appointment tomorrow will be, I figured a follow up would be appropriate.  There is a good reason why people don't discuss the potentially dark/scary sides of their life, because walking through it is painful, and reminders or feedback on how your handling it (or not) can make it even worse.  I will post an update after my appointment tomorrow.  Promise.

Holding on to this guidance tonight: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil 4:6   Thanking God tonight for the MANY blessings in my life, and presenting my request before Him for a healthy heartbeat for baby in the morning!

Brutal

It bothers me that the Christian stereotype generally seems to fall in one of two camps: straining towards perfection or a hypocrite.  Why is it so difficult to comprehend that when someone accepts the truth of Christ, its only the beginning of unlearning everything the world taught you and being taught it from a new perspective.  There will be mistakes.  Depending on the age this truth is grasped, that can be a LOT of learning to un-do.

Our world teaches self-preservation.  It was a lesson I learned well.  One I'm having a rather difficult time un-learning at the present moment.

If you remain unattached to something, aloof, ambivalent its easy to not let it affect you.  If its taken from you, you really don't care.  It's a passionless way to live, but it does keep you from getting hurt.  When I feel like I can't control a situation, I give up and shut down emotionally so whatever fall out may be I can walk away at the end of it unscathed.  Sounds pretty heartless and cowardly... I know... I didn't say I was proud of it, it's just the way it was.

That was before I learned that the same God that created me and everything around me wants to fight my battles.  Funny side story.... Sunday School for the boys, gives them different memory verses for the month. A few weeks back was a subset of 2 Chronicles 32:8 "We have the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles for us".  After dinner, we sent the boys downstairs to clean up their toys, and out of nowhere Caleb starts shouting a Logan "You WILL help me or God will come down here and fight my battle against you second Chronicles 32:8!  You want that?  He will battle you!  You better start helping right now!"..... Might not have been exactly what God was referring to, but with the faith that child has, if I were Logan I would have started picking up just to be sure.

When I lost our first pregnancy.  I had remained aloof.  It happens, this was just my turn.  Unattached.  When I lost our second pregnancy, I was straining toward perfection... Having the perfect Christian response to a loss..."It wasn't meant to be, it will happen in God's time."  Ambivalent.  Unattached.
I thought I was losing our third yesterday.  I went to the gym for the first time in forever and ended up rushing home in tears at the scare.

God is using this process to break me down.  It is BRUTAL.  It is brutal because I know He's trying to break me, because He loves me.... and I know that makes no sense to people that don't understand the God I'm learning to love, but it's true.  He sees how paralyzed I am to even move, the fear that grips me that one false move and I will lose it, my constant anxiety and inability to rejoice in a pregnancy that I can't control.  He doesn't want me living, captive to the insane thoughts in my brain.  He wants needs me to rest in Him, to not only attach, but to love this baby so fiercely because He gave it to me, and to trust that He is far more capable than I to nurture and protect it. 

I'm know its just as brutal for Him, to see how strong the fight in me still is.  To know, all that I know of Him, to live surrounded by His blessings in my life, and yet not fully trust Him to carry me through this.  One thing that is giving me peace, is that He will win.  I may battle Him, and suffer the consequences of the fear and anxiety that comes from withholding my trust in Him.... but He will not lose energy or interest in fighting with me, and eventually He will wear me down, I will stop beating my fists, and He will win.  I have peace knowing He won't gloat, that He'll pick my tired self up and say... finally sweetheart, thank you.... and that we'll be fine.   But right now.... its Brutal.

I know in our bright shiny world, we don't normally share the scary dark sides.  We suffer in silence, wait till we overcome, then come out to share how much we're capable of overcoming.  Whatever.  That's lame, and I need prayers.  We have our sono on Monday (as long as things hold through the weekend), and for the two pregnancies that we lost previously that is where we learned that things were not progressing as they should.... so that is were a LOT (o.k. ALL) of my anxiety is stemming from.  Please pray that God protect this sweet little baby bean in my belly, that it's growing as it should, and that I will give up my fight to retain control or try and protect myself, and trust God to do it for me.  That no matter the outcome I hold fast to the knowledge that He loves me and will reveal the reasoning behind it to me someday.

Don't Forget Me

My braveheart battle cry from last nights post was tempered this morning.  I was engrossed in my usual review of the morning news over breakfast, aka 'Facebook News Feed', and I stumbled across two heart wrenching narratives.  The first was illustrated with a picture of a non-descript elderly women, and it was one of those posts that blurred the line between reality or a poignant truth designed to transcend time.  The short of it, a wife approached her husband saying she wanted him to take another woman out on a date, his mother.  It had been so long, both mother and son approached the event rather timidly, but inevitably had a beautiful evening, and it was the highlight of the elderly woman's decade quite probably.  As you read further, he ends up losing his mom shortly there after to a heart attack.

The second, was a beautiful narrative written about a father's love for his young son.  How in a moment of wrestling he was able to transcend time, and appreciate the moment for what it was, the purest expression of love he'd known.  Yet, while wrestling with his son, he wrestled with the fear of wise counsel all parents hear from those that go before us, "enjoy it now, it won't last".  He ended the narrative with a comment about calling his Dad to set up a date for beers.

The two combined were a little much for this mama of two beautifully rambunctious little boys.  My heart screamed in that second, don't forget about me.  Don't forget that when your daddy went to work, before you got to tackle him with those bear hugs when he got home, that I was here, making you breakfast, playing hide and seek, snuggling you into a nap, and that WE wrestled too.  Don't forget about me.  Don't forget that I carried you, nursed you, rocked you, changed you, soothed you when no one else could, that I calmed your fears in the middle of the night, fed you every day, kissed every ouchie and spanked whatever nasty piece of furniture gave it to you.  That I loved you fiercely every second of every day, even in those moments where our wills would go toe to toe with each other, and I would force you to back down, because I had to, because it was my job to teach you respect, and honor.  I knew from the moment you were born I was not raising boys, I was raising men, and I know the men our world needs and there are too few of them.  You will be amazing men, just like your daddy, but please don't forget about me.

Anyone that knows me, knows we're praying pretty hard for a daughter someday.  This is the reason why.  My fear of being forgotten.  Daughters call their mom's, plan weddings with them, shop with them, raise their own babies with them, they grow into friendships with them....  But it is the men who are called to 'leave their family and become one with their wife'.  We raise them, knowing this.  Knowing it is our job to raise confident, courageous men, who are able to change the world we've set them into, and do not need their mom fighting their battles.  My fear is that you'll too soon forget all the battles I fought alongside you, cheering you on, pushing you harder.  When you were scared you would fall off your bike again when the training wheels came off, and I ran beside you until your confidence grew, when you whined that you couldn't buckle your seat belt with out my help, and I waited patiently until you did.  We overcame many battles together boys, but I know the day will come when I have to send you out alone, trusting God with the men He helped me raise.  Please know this will take more courage than all previous battles combined, for me to stay quietly behind, to let you leave gracefully without begging to let me come with you.  Please see this grace, this courage, and don't forget me.

Already, I am praying for their wives.  For the women they will be and for the parents raising them.  I look forward to developing relationships with those girls in the future.  Its not the same.  I know this because I see it in my own relationship with my mother-in-law.  I love her, but in most cases she  is not my first call to debrief from the day, to catch-up, or to seek advice on anything from cooking the Thanksgiving turkey, to curing the most recent case of diaper rash.  I also see my future playing out in how Kevin interacts with his mom, and I can understand why the wife in the first narrative sent her husband on a date with his mom.  The narrative didn't say it, but this was a mom of boys.  I know it.  It is our silent way of asking God, to remind our future daughter-in-laws to do the same.  I try to do this for you Dianne :).... remember the hike this summer, I took Augie with me on purpose (although it was really probably good I did, cause if the 2 of us had come up against the bear.... yikes!).

I know whatever children God blesses us with in the future will fit the perfect plan He has for our family.  The desires of my heart are not new to Him, nor are my fears.  However, I will continue to try and be strategic in ensuring Kevin spends quality time with his mama, in the hopes someday I will get to reap what I have sown.

Boys.... Please don't forget me.

Winning the War

My children are ninjas.  That occurred to me as I was picking up 4 random toys strewn haphazardly across the living room after dinner tonight.  It's the only explanation really, given I've made a silent oath to enforce the clean up of every mess before a new one is made.  I can't explain how it happens.  When they are playing with something I make a mental note to ensure its put away, but seemingly without movement I blink and they've disappeared to the next mess. 

So call them back and have them clean it up.... ahhhh.... logical response my fellow reader, and one I choose to implement often.  The problem I'm discovering, when I call them back they re-engage with their original activity, leaving the newly created mess behind in their wake.  I feel like I'm stuck in the bad blond joke, where you give a blond a piece of paper that says 'turn over'.... on both sides.

I wish being a tyrant was the in vogue style of parenting, as opposed to the trend of allowing children to 'discover' who they are with our gentle guidance.  I would be SO vogue!  I have discovered my children are every bit as whiny, selfish, irresponsible, prone to stealing (each other's toys, a snack, etc...), lying (about said stealing), and assault (to each other... yes boys will be boys... but there is a line... somewhere) as you would expect from 2 & 4 year old boys.  With this said, based on the behavior I can see from children any day of the week on local playgrounds, I would still classify my boys as well behaved.  I've got high standards for them.  I'm not willing to compromise those standards because they aren't the cool way to parent right now.

I am proud to be a tyrant.  I hate being a tyrant.  Being a tyrant now will pay off.  I say these three things to myself on repeat throughout the day.

It comes in phases.  They'll decide to test a boundary, and it will last for a month or two.  I'll have to put on my tyrant hat and hold firm to the law of the land, consistently, every time.  If I look the other way once, I just prolonged my boundary testing phase by at least a week.  It's war over here right now peeps.  I may lose a battle here and there, but I will WIN the war!  You think I'm kidding.   I don't see it as a coincidence this behavior immediately follows a week in Michigan for Thanksgiving, with parties at Grandparents house almost every night, and a very loosely held schedule.  Give 'em an inch they take a mile.

I wish they could understand how much it breaks my heart.  How I loathe being the enforcer.  That perspective has come in handy in refining how I see God.  I used to think He was up there with His magnifying glass messing with the ant hills He had created.  Yeah, my perspective was a bit skewed.  He loathes being the enforcer exponentially more than I do.  Hoping beyond hope that we'll choose right, believe in Him, allow Him to guide us, dreading the alternative.... but being the Ultimate Father that He is, He cannot stand by and allow our poor choices to pass without consequence.  I hold the same hope He does, that my correction will draw them closer to Him (and me by proxy), they will realize the correction is down out of love and concern for their greater well being, rather than their immediate satisfaction.  Please God, let it be so.

***Its unfortunate in our society I feel a need to caveat this post by saying all discipline is delivered in a calm, loving way... yes there is still some screaming and fit throwing, but at least 90%, 75% of the time its only the kids throwing the fit.... The other 25% of the time, I throw a seperate fit to God asking how long this 'phase' is going to last :)***

Thankful at Thanksgiving!

It's not often I fall off the grid.  I did this past week.  It was glorious.  There is a little unhealthy anxiety at thinking I need to somehow catch-up on it all, but a cursory scan of Facebook indicated that would be all but impossible, so I'm getting better at brushing the anxiety aside. 

I've been following the 'Thankful' posts of friends all month, contemplating all the things I'm thankful for in my life.  I determined I needed WAY more than a month of days to list them all, which made me feel overwhelmed, so I grabbed some m&m's and decided to be thankful for those in the moment rather than hyperventilating.

After a week with my family it is much easier to align on the one.  I am so thankful for my family.  We are a unique bunch for sure.  However, as I was reminded at church this past Sunday, unique families are the norm now-a-days.  Despite living with each other for 18ish years, we know remarkably little about what makes each other tick, especially after going on 10+ years apart now.  Regardless of the changes we've experienced, or the differences we have, we are able to reunite throughout the year without focusing on the changes or the differences.  When we see each other, we see a life long bond, one that is meant to last and one that requires love and respect of differences to sustain. 

It's a miracle really.  A holiday miracle. 

I used to wonder if things needed to be discussed.  But in between the joy filled squeals of kids running about, and holiday meals being shared, the question always remained.... when?  Is it possible to grow together as we grow up separately?  I wasn't sure.  Then it hit me.  This was yet another area where I was operating on my time tables.  I love my family.  I love our differences.  We are each uniquely gifted to support one another in different areas.  I don't need to be concerned with anything else.  I get to enjoy my time here.  Enjoy falling off the grid.  Enjoy being invited to my sisters class room to watch her create memories for a class room full of kids.  Enjoy sipping hot cocoa with my mom in the morning.  Enjoy talking adventures in babydom with little sis, and enjoy adventures with crazy papi and the boys.  I am thankful for how close both my families and Kevin's are, that we're able to coordinate visits with everyone when we come home, and that both families are so respectful of the limitations our calendar's have.

Thankful and hopeful for what the future will bring for our awesome families!!!

My Inner Child

This is what I imagine she would say.....

Hello friend.  Welcome back.  Those were a rough couple decades when you thought you could ditch me and try to be someone else.  We aren't so bad you and I.... a little exhuberant.... yes, but I'd rather you think of us as an aquired taste.   Like some super expensive stinky cheese.... something the average person doesn't understand, but to those willing to invest, it becomes a favorite treat.

You can thank me for your good fortune in the husband department.  Here you were trying your hardest to be someone your not, and the whole time I was asking God to send an angel to keep us safe, you weren't doing so hot there on your own.  I hadn't really specified physical characteristics, and after a few of those pictures I saw of us in High School... well I was concerned... we were goofy looking.  I was pleasently suprised by the angel God chose. He's Hot!

You know, me and God had lots of conversations about you.  We were pretty sad when you lost touch with us, but we kept each other company, certain you would come looking for us again after awhile.  Then God had this hilarious idea.  Kids.  You should have seen us, we were rolling around laughing at that one!  God knew they would scare you half to death and get you to come looking for us.  Man was He right!  You should have seen your face when they put Cub on your chest.  Hysterical!

You're doing pretty good ya' know.  Room for improvement sure, but don't be too hard on yourself.  God's been explaining to me just how hard kids really are.  He explained that apart from staying in constant contact with Him, its rather impossible to raise them properly, something about ya'll being just too selfish and prone to angry outbursts apart from Him.  He's really happy you're figuring that out, and trusting Him to turn your kiddos into something great, He has some awesome plans for them, just you wait and see!

Overall, I think you've come along way.  I proud of you for finally deciding to grow up, I've needed you to for quite sometime, its been hard being the more mature person... I am only a child afterall.  Trust God, He really has been looking out for us since the beginning, He won't lead you astry.  Oh, and one more thing.... Do try and keep in mind, that while your maturity level is still close to mine, your metabolism isn't.  Remember that angel God gave us, the hot one, listen to him... work out... eat healthy, now that you're starting to figure out this thing called life I can't wait to experience it as we grow up!  You and I, we were meant to be awesome!

**Obviously I was a bit confused by the original question.... implying that by getting older, we infact grow into an adult is a rather presumptious leap :). Sometimes, as evidence from my post, I think the adult stands to learn a lot from the child they tried to leave behind.**

The Freedom to Choose

I was looking forward to the political frenzy dying down.  I am very thankful to see the stupid yard signs removed from the medians of most major road-ways.  I'm also curious at the delicate balance between the intelligence of politicians, and those voting for them.  Does a politician really gain that many more votes from having signs declaring their name LITERALLY spaced 5 feet apart all along a road?  Are they really concerned that if they don't place one infront of every opponents yard sign, we'll somehow miss theirs?  I would love to know what the sign budget is for these campaigns.

The signs are gone.  The issues aren't.

I just read this article.  It made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't realize before today, that there was a need to qualify my vote.  I am  pro-life AND pro-choice.  I would LOVE to see abortions drop to zero.  If that occured because *most people wised up and realized a consequence of sex was babies, and approached it more responsibly, well that would be awesome, but unfortunately that doesn't appear to be a realistic option currently.  (*most, is in reference to the 90+% that are not a result of traumatic exchanges).

I do believe life starts at conception.  Unless you take action against the natural progression, it results in a living person... you know... one of US. 

Today, however, I also realized I'm pro-choice.  I am all for having the choice to be for or against something.  Yet, our pro-choice political party seems rather content with themselves at ticking off personal freedoms.  It boggles my mind that a group of people in support of a party that's major proponent is personal freedoms: freedom to marry whomever, freedom to abort whenever, freedom to smoke pot and live in tents in major metropolitians across the country, are not at all concerned with the governement extending the long arm of the law to force a group of people into doing something against their personal beliefs.  I have a hard time believing a group of people so large would not see the big picture, that what it does to one group sets a precedent enabling it to do to all.

It's sad, that political parties have turned things SO around that they portray the other party in such an extreme.  I am pro-life.  That does not mean, I have an intent on fighting abortions into oblivian.  I would rather the choice exisit for someone, than see that person harm themselves in some way because of a hopelessness they feel engulfing them.  However, I would like to see the path to enact such a decision set with 'speed bumps', that causes the person to slow down and think about the choice they are going to make.  A session or two of therapy, a slightly higher out of pocket fee, the presence of a friend/potential father at steps in the process.  Something that gives the individual a moment of pause before they take action against the life forming inside of them, forces them to look at the consequence of their decision, rather than ignoring its exsistence.  I do not want to see the choice made so easy that pills, which terminate the natural order of a life, are available down the hall at a dorm room's RA, or available at your employeer free of charge.... you know... just incase.  Sick.  

Why should I, or Hobby Lobby, have to pay for that choice?  Shouldn't we be afforded a choice?  Do we not have the same freedoms as an individual choosing to engage in an activity that creates life?  Stop hiding behind an ignorance, that the alternative can be so extreme, that you must support forcing people to freely give something against their beliefs, and afford them the same freedom you are trying to protect.... The freedom to choose.

A Step of Obedience

About a month ago we learned of an awesome opportunity our church had to purchase the land we've been renting.  One of my favorite things about our church leadership team is they don't personally 'ask' for money.  They show us the vision, educate us on the resources needed to accomplish said vision, ask us to talk to God about what our role in the vision should be, then recommend we be obedient to His guidance.  Not rocket science.  Talk to God, do what He says.  For married couples, they provide the added guidance of seeking a number separately and then revealing to each other as a sort of confirmation that what you are hearing is from God.... Given the God's not in the business of dividing a household, chances are good they'd be close.

After the vision was laid out by our Pastor, I felt like I knew our number.  I didn't necessarily LIKE our number, but I knew it.  Each subsequent week after service, I would ask Kevin if he had a number.  He didn't.  Finally this past Friday, with the miracle offering taking place on Sunday, I pushed a bit harder.  Kev's response was he hadn't gotten anything, and he was of the mindset we take the year off, we contributed last year, and throughout the year, we could sit this one out.  I gently reminded him of all our blessings, and that I thought we should, and he asked if I had a number.   Sensing the overall resistance to the concept at the outset, I cut my original number in half to avoid shocking his system completely.  He appeared to hold his position. 

I was confused.  Why would God give me a number and not Kevin?  Part of me was relieved, my job is to support Kevin, if he hadn't gotten anything maybe I'd heard wrong and we did get to sit this one out.  So I told God, I was supporting Kevin, and if the number was meant to be the same, He had to get Kevin there on His own.... I wasn't starting a fight over this.

Saturday Kev asked if I would mind watching the boys so he could have some quiet time and get some stuff done.  Sunday on the drive to church, he asked in a nonchalant way about some of our savings.  I said, "Babe, you fill out the envelope, whatever you feel like giving we'll give, if its nothing that's fine too.  If you wouldn't mind though before dropping it in, just give me a glimpse so I know where we're at."  He said that sounded good to him and we left it at that.

Service was great as usual.  We got to see an even more detailed mock drawing of what the renovated building could look like if we're able to secure the property, and the excitement in the room was palpable.  We'd just come off a 24hr praise/worship night with people praying for the vision and the offering, and the room was quite literally buzzing with energy.  We got to the end, the band went up for a song to give people time to pray one last time, fill out their envelopes, and turn them in.

Kev filled ours out.  Just before sealing it up, he slid it over to me.  The number was the EXACT same number I'd felt when I'd asked God almost FOUR weeks earlier.  Not the 'half' number I had shared with Kevin on the Friday, I'd never voiced the original one to him, and yet there it sat on the paper, staring me in the face.

I couldn't even contain the smile on my face the rest of the afternoon.  I hadn't liked the number much before, but I LOVED it now.  I couldn't have been more excited to do our part, knowing in FULL faith that it was exactly what we were supposed to do.  I can't wait to see all the ways God is going to use it to change the course of our church's history and the future for my little family because of one step of obedience to Him!

PURSUIT of Happiness

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Mr. President, Congratulations.  You were not my choice, but I will honor your position of leadership in our country.  I'm able to rest in the knowledge that whatever YOUR beliefs may be, mine hold that you were placed there by God's design, and He's in the business of working things together for my good.

As a concerned citizen, I would like to remind you of a very key phrase in the above referenced Declaration of Independence.  First pointing out that it is a declaration of INDEPENDENCE.  No matter the vote cast, or the ideals behind it, I am of the opinion most Americans appreciate independence.  Last I checked we did not have a declaration of dependence.  I would also like to bring your attention to the word PURSUIT.  This is an action word.  Our country does not have the unalienable right to BE Happy, we have the right to pursue it.  Please encourage this.  The difference can be easily missed by some. 

As the President of the United States I would encourage you to hold to the directives that made our country great, to acknowledge the language used.  'That we are endowed by our creator', is not a meaningless phrase drafted in an irrelevant age of antiquity.  It is a powerful phrase that each of us have a unique gifting, that when encouraged will allow us to pursue happiness in community with others.

I would like to point out one other portion of text w/in the Declaration in the hopes you would take seriously your leadership position: "accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed."  It would be a shame if our country got 'accoustmed' to the rights you promote us to have.  Please provide the leadership this country needs to understand the concept of a budget, to take seriously its limitations, and to work towards balancing it.  You are a man.  You cannot create an economic plan that will ensure happiness for all, it is not possible this side of heaven.  However, I also concede that as the leader of our country, it is not your job to get others to understand the differences between Heaven and Earth.

Finally... All men being created equal, is not open to be interpreted as a need to equalize all men.  Please keep that portion of text, in context with the rest of the message.  Equality of men, would be dependent on the equality with which each man pursues his/her happiness.  When man begins to look to someone else, or something else for happiness, he is no longer taking responsibility for it. 

I take comfort in knowing that one man, no matter the position of power, in our country does NOT hold absolute power, and for that I'm thankful.

Election Day 2012!!!

Apparently another perk of my boys not getting the daylight savings memo, is the ability to get in line at the polls promptly at 5:45am.  As any mom knows, there is a shelf life to the length of time children will wait patiently in a line.   If you pass the expiration limit, the fall out can be extreme.  Hoping to avoid this, I somehow managed to dig deep and get us out of the house at 5:30a.  However as one of my fellow citizens so politely pointed out when I got in line, I did so without putting socks on my kids.  At 5:45 am, "Thank you" was the most polite thing I could come up with in response.

It was cold.  The boys made sure I was aware of this about 2.2 seconds after getting in-line, which was already 100+ people deep and extending out of the building and down the sidewalk where we were waiting.  Rather than subjecting my fellow citizens to this, I asked the man behind me, if he would mind allowing me to take the boys inside and just wait for the line to catch-up in there.  Thankfully he agreed.  My curiosity was running rampant wondering what judgements/stereotypes people were hurling in my direction as I surpassed the line with two babies on my hip, all in our pajama's (or a variation of).  My need to defend got the better of me at one point as prying eyes scrutinized my every move and I blurted out "I didn't wake them for this, they are early risers"... of course no one cared.

My ballot is cast.  I did my part.  I am praying fervently of course over the rest of the day and the results, but outside of that its out of my hands.  I personally hate politics, or I suppose the more politically correct statement would be to say, I hate what politics has become.   Democracy as a whole I'm rather fond of.  "A government by the people, of the people, and for the people".  It would appear to me, I know more of what the candidates are against than what they are actually for.  However, having engaged in the seemingly impossible this week: having a conversation that centered wholly around religion and politics for an extended duration, from opposing view points, and each individual walking away with a greater respect for the other, gives me hope for the future. 

It does bother my how timid I've become in approaching potentially 'volatile' topics, because of my fear for the response I'll get.  This week was perfect timing for me to stumble across a verse in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."  As a whole it would seem FAR too many people with strong convictions are no longer speaking up, out of a fear to offend.  We were not wired to be a fearful people, however equally important to me in that verse is the spirit of love and self-discipline.  When you approach someone in these conversations with a desire to change them, you are not loving them.  To love, is to accept someone as they are, not as you think they should be.   To learn at all, we need to be able to share what we know and what we believe, and allow others the same respect they show us, in hearing out their beliefs as well.  Self-discipline is of the utmost importance here.  In my conversation this week, there became a point in the conversation where it was apparent the argument could continue ad-nauseum.  To know when your conversations has shifted from sharing in love, to trying to change a person is usually a good time to draw on a little discipline and exit the conversation while you can still do so gracefully.  You've said your piece, have a little faith that words you've sown in truth and love can sprout and grow.

The best part about voting this morning, other than the imminent departure of 'campaigning', was the impromptu breakfast party that occurred at my house right after!  All those prying eyes got to see, that while its hard for me to get it together at 5:30am, it only takes me an hour to be ready to party!  I discovered a couple of my girlfriends in line shortly behind me as we were leaving the polls, and when I yelled pancake party at my house when you're done, more than a few strangers shouted "See you there" as we walked away! 

Happy Voting Day Peeps!!! Get out there and be a light in our world, make your voice heard in truth and love!

'Fall-Back' Fun

I like to claim 'fall-back' as one of my favorite holiday's of the year.  Kevin rolls his eyes annually at this statement, and finds great humor in the drama I display surrounding 'spring-forward'.  It could be mildly suppressed annoyance, but I prefer to think he enjoys my antics.  This year was no different.  As I headed to bed at 10:30pm, I made a great show, proclaiming the fact it was "ACTUALLY only 9:30p" and how responsible I was to be going to sleep so early.  What really doesn't make sense in the alternate reality I live in, is when I wake up the next morning, I claim that hour as well, with equal if not more fan fare.  Usually proclaiming, as we get ready for church, how GREAT it feels to be getting up at what would have been 8am.

The boys didn't get the daylight savings memo.


When I was woken up this past Sunday to the repetitive "mama" refrain Logan employs to get my attention, groggy from sleep and disoriented by the darkness, I grabbed him in my normal semi-conscious state and tossed him in our bed so he wouldn't wake Cub.  I assumed it was 5.  I was wrong.  It would have been prudent to check the clock BEFORE addressing the issue, as I pulled him into our bed a 2am.  Hindsight is 20/20.

After 10 minutes of 2 year old chatter, cute in its own right, just not at 2am, Kevin relocated himself to the couch.  Logan proceeded to illustrate for me his every thought or movement: "my pillow soft", "me snuggie mama", "me sleep here", "me bouncin", "rawwwwwr, me dino".   I would ignore him in the hopes he'd fall back asleep, except about ever 2-5 minutes, he would get real close to my face and continuously say "I wub ooo", "I wub ooo mama", "Mama, I wub oooo"  (wub ooo = love you, right now).  Eventually I would respond, "I love you too Logan", he would say thanks, and go back to recanting his every move for me.  

As much as I love my extra hour of sleep, if I had to lose it to something, little mans sweet chatter and little snuggles were worth it for a night.  Although, the next morning when it took an hour longer for the fog to clear from my sleep deprived brain, I was singing a different tune.  Note to self: ALWAYS check the clock before tossing a child into bed with you!

HallowRedeemed

This five day a week business is really cutting into my nap schedule, what was I thinking?!?  That is only part of the struggle in keeping up, albeit a big part, but SO much happens everyday around here!  I want to tell you about it all, but then it would require me to miss some of the amazing... or sleep... and for now, we continue to sacrifice sleep so know that I love you more than sleep, and that's A LOT!

I have to tell you about Halloween.  AND how weird Christians are.  Which ultimately will lead up to how WE were weird Christians on Halloween :)

Apparently in church world, some people get pretty upset with this whole trick or treating business.  The way I look at things: I had fun doing it while I was growing up, and it wouldn't appear that any of my many issues stem directly from jumping in a costume and asking random strangers for candy, so it passes the litmus test for my kids. 

I'm a curious person though, and just because I did something doesn't make it right, so I do like to listen into the logic people debate this issue with.  Some points were valid.  The holiday is all about death, and fear, and darkness, which stands in direct opposition to what I'm trying to teach my children to love: life, faith, and light.  I was not backing down from free candy and a fun night out with my kiddos in costume all that easily though, but it did get me thinking about a way we could have fun and make it meaningful.  I argued that in church world people get super excited about the opportunity to have even a short snippet of a conversation with ANYONE, and here was a holiday where strangers opened their doors to you and willingly and engaged in conversation.  (For the record, I am NOT knocking on doors ;)

So what does one do when they are hit with a parenting conundrum... take it to their four year old, of course.  (This is not a parenting message... :)

I asked Caleb what he thought we could do to show our appreciation outside of just saying thank-you, and you will understand WHY I take these parenting conundrums to my four year old when I tell you his response was "We could pray for them"........ (this was me being speechless to that one)...........

So off we went that night... Buzz and Pumpkin:

 Buzz really did give new meaning that night to 'having faith like a child'.  I was personally terrified for him, I didn't know what type of response he would get, and was right behind him at every door should someone not respond well.  How could you not respond well to that face though?!? 

After the first three houses my nerves started to subside.  People were of course shocked to hear a four year old ask if he could pray for them after giving him candy.... on HALLOWEEN.... but we almost brought the woman at the first house to tears.  After the initial shock wore off, she responded that she was very sick and would appreciate prayers of healing (I'm assuming an internal sickness as she appeared fine.... but isn't that the way the world works.... most people look 'fine' on the outside).   Without hesitation Cub closed his eyes and simply said "Jesus heal her, amen" and turned around to run to the next house.   With tears in her eyes the lady said that was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen and PROFUSELY thanked ME (who let me remind you did nothing, but stand behind a small child ready to attack anyone that tried to hurt him).... to the point she barely let me off her porch, until I had to explain my kids were getting too far ahead of me and I had to be going.

We hit about 50 houses on Halloween.  I'd say at about 75% of those Cub offered to pray.  From that number 75% were pleasantly surprised and offered a prayer request, while the other 25% would say no thank-you... and only two said nothing and looked at us like we had horns growing out of our heads.  No scene was made, we simply said have a great night and wandered on to the next house.

It was the most fascinating Halloween I've experienced.... ever!  If I had heard this story 3 years ago, I probably would have thought the mother was absolutely insane, so if you're thinking I am, you would not be alone in that.  It was insane, watching a child do, what intimidates grown men.

So yeah... we were the crazy Christians on Halloween, and I wouldn't have had it any other way!

Awesome Austin

Today, I've got to pay a little tribute to that fantastic city we called home for 7 years!  I would write about it myself, but I stumbled across perfection today, and as a rule I don't waste time improving upon perfection.  Thank you Virginia Woodruff for so eloquently pointing out why Austin is amazing!  Now, if only they had seasons, and taller trees!

Dear Austin,


You are not either/or. You are and. Coffee and beer. BBQ joints and vegan potlucks. Students and Techies. State-capital bureaucrats and weed-toking slackers -- admittedly those are sometimes the same people. I love you because you contain multitudes.

You are the "live music capital of the world" and the "I bleed orange" city of college football fanatics.

You have a hippie spirit infused with high-tech financing. Your patron saint is Willie Nelson, your avuncular Polonius is Kinky Friedman and your wealthy stepfather is Michael Dell. Your current contrast-in-residence is the chief of Whole Foods, who gives his employees health insurance while defending their right not to have it.

You meet hundred-degree heat with spring-fed pools. You are beer and running, ideally at the same time.

It's no surprise this is where Outlaw Country was born. You are the cultural retreat for Texans who find themselves not quite fitting in at home. You offer an oasis of blue in a big red desert. When people fall across the city border, they are accepted as they are, and dole out kindness in return.

Your city council created an official day for the late thong-wearing, cross-dressing beloved transient, Leslie.
You entered the Guinness Book of World Records by having the most people ever dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller." They did it in the plaza in front of a classical music hall.
As much as you like to have a good time, you also like to keep fit. There's a run event almost very weekend. You've been home to Lance Armstrong, Andy Roddick, Kevin Durant, and a host of Olympians. Your jewel is the hike-and-bike trail along a river the locals call a lake. The last time I went I saw a woman running in a track suit and head scarf.

To drink a beer anywhere is the god-given right of all Austinites. Take a sip at your video store, your dry cleaners or your barber shop.

You are Bacchanalian but also respectful. Austin people hold the door for me, let me in in traffic, and inquire if I'm alright. I can't get out of the grocery store without running into an old friend. The cashiers seem to genuinely care about my weekend plans. When we first moved here, I couldn't understand why so many people met our eyes on the street and asked, "How y'all doing?" Now I return the greeting.

And so it goes around. Random acts of kindness, senseless beauty. The graffiti on a bridge that says "focus on one point and breathe"; the yoga teacher who cracks jokes and endorses lite beer; the guy who pays for the stranger behind him at the drive-thru.

A friend wearing a "Welcome to Austin, Please Don't Move Here" shirt found herself telling someone why they should move here. We can't help ourselves.

So bring your kids, bring your parents, bring your dog; take the bus, ride your bike, cruise your Maserati. There's bound to be some live music, some barbecue and some cold beer. Come as you are.

Love,

Virginia Woodruff

***Letter found on Huffinton Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/love-letters/austin-texas-love-letter_b_2045500.html

Love and missing my fellow Austinites today!!  Hope to be back to visit soon!

Peace, Be Still

Why do we expect people to be mind readers?  Guilty as charged, just realizing to what extent this morning. As I proceed with my morning routine as normal, I found myself getting annoyed at the number of phone calls and text messages I was getting, thinking 'sheesh people, I'm fine, let me get to work'.  God had to thunk me on my forehead, that's how I picture it occurring when I do something stupid.   Massive God size index finger flexed to His thumb, and THUNK, right to the forehead.  Other times, I picture it as a massive God sized hand extending down from Heaven and patting me lightly on the head, and He's thinking awwww bless her heart, she really doesn't know what she doing.  I don't know why they are massive in my imagination, but I also can't explain why I expect His voice to sound like James Earl Jones either... I suppose the imagery just fits together like that in my brain.

He was nice enough to remind me, that we ALL have a fear of the unknown, and in this situation I just happen to KNOW I'm o.k..  However Mom, who has called 4 times in 2 days, is left watching news reports of rising tides, power outages, and downed trees.  I love you mom :)  Although when we do talk 4 times in 2 days, I may only answer the phone now to say "Yes, we're o.k, I love you, bye".

Instead of our normal benediction at the end of service on Sunday, Pastor David reminded us all about Jesus calming the storm by simply saying "Peace, Be Still".  It's crazy how fast irrational fears can take over a seemingly stable brain.  Kinda puts the 'taking thoughts captive' verse into perspective REAL quick!  Case in point, the other night, lying in bed... Kevin inches away, the recurring fear I have eeked its way into my brain: something catastrophic happening to Kevin or the boys.  Tears spring to my eyes and spill over before I can even think of taking the thought captive.  I find this to be horribly embarrassing, because explaining such lunacy to your husband is not fun.

Lucky for me the lights were off, so he couldn't see my face, but I knew he knew, so in my most composed voice I said "Wanna know something ludicrous?" (When doing something crazy, its always best to lead with that, at least the other person understands then that you haven't lost total connection with reality)

"What?"

"I'm crying"

"ummmm.... why?"

"Cause I don't want anything to happen to you or the boys?"

"Were you planning to do something to us?  Should I be scared?"

"Don't you ever get worried about something happening to me?"  (whenever I find myself stuck in a totally insane stream of thought, I do one of two things. First, try to convince the other person they are equally capable of insane breaks from reality)

"Not when you're laying 3 inches away from me"

"You know ALL women think about these things, it can reduce us ALL to tears in an instant." (When my first line of deflection doesn't work, I immediately start making wild generalizations, lumping myself in the largest group of people possible... and quickly follow it up with humor)  "Well, maybe only the happily married ones... you never know what us crazy women will come up with".

"I love you"....  

There are times when the slightly condescending, I think you are definitely crazy but wouldn't dream of expressing that thought so I'll say "I love you" instead.... can drive me up the wall.  However, when you are actually being crazy, its the welcome exit from the conversation you were hoping for.

Peace Be Still.  I have a feeling I will be reminding myself of this often, when I hitch a ride on the crazy express again.   I may also put it to use in future natural disasters when I'm getting blown up with phone calls and text messages.   Peace, be still peeps, God's got us, we're o.k.

Standing Guard Against Sandy

I make rules up as I go.  Daily blog has just been updated to 5 days a week blog.  This is your public service announcement. 

The winds are picking up here.  With single paned glass windows, the feeling is simlar to when you are trying to pop a ballon, and you're just waiting for it to explode.  Not my favorite.  I can't tell which is making me more anxious.  The windows, or the thought of losing power with a 2 and 4 year old stranded in the house.  That is a SCARY thought.  Suffice it to say, I'm being a bit more liberal with the T.V. for now.  I need to save the creative activities for if/when we lose power.... cause with the brunt still not here, and two 'brown-outs' already under our belt.... I fell like its a matter of time until we begin the worlds longest game of hide and seek.

I think the most interesting part of hurricane prep thus far has been watching the reactions of everyone else.  With the D.C. area being so transient, it certainly provides an opportunity to see where people moved from.  You have the hurricane veterens from the south.  They have the generator, the flashlights, the batteries, water, canned foods, and have all of this stuff ready about a week before the forecasted hurricane will hit.
Those from the west coast fall into two polorized categories: either totally freaked out because they have NO idea what to expect, or super laid back having expereinced many 'earthquakes' with little impact.

Coming from the mid-west you can call me either niave or chill.  It's rain and wind.  Rain and 50 degree's seems way better to me than a blizzard and temps hovering around 0.  The wind is only scary when it gusts, you stop for a sec, watch the trees, the gust dies down and your back to rain.  Granted it only takes a second for a tree to snap and fall on your house, but I can't control that any better by worrying about it, so I say a prayer to protect my house and call it a day. 

There was one pic that struck me on facebook today as I was reviewing the status updates.  The picture of the Marines gaurding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.  I read the story behind the picture.  This tomb has been under CONSTANT 24/7 watch since it was erected in the 1930's.  At one point in 2003 when Hurricane Isabella was headed straight for DC and the governement elected for a 2 day shut down, this position was approached and told they could stand down.  The Marines said no.  They said it was the highest honor to stand guard in this position, and they would not leave their post.  I don't care what poltical beliefs or affiliations you hold, if this doesn't make you proud to be an American, and want to honor and support our troops that sacrafice SO much, in whatever post they hold, I don't know what would.

Seeing that picture puts patroling asiles for a gallon of water, batteries, and some peanut butter in perspective.  Staying safe, and warm, and dry for now, and praying for these awesome men and women serving our country, and those who are not as blessed by the ability to stay warm and dry.

Frankenstorm

"A Snowpocalyptic Frankenstorm".....  Really..... I'm hoping this is a dramatic overstatement, at least for those of us three hours inland of the eastern seaboard.  I gotta give the meteorologists some credit for creatively looping in Halloween to their naming convention.  Although with a name like that, I'm not sure even covering costumes in black garbage bags, to avoid the elements, and calling ourselves the California Raisens would fly.  When you grow up in Michigan you become fairly adept at updating Halloween costumes to accomodate a 40-50 degree swing, and possible rain, sleet, snow or a combination of all three.

I guess with "Snowmaggedon" already used, they had to make a stretch to find something equally news worthy to incite the masses.  "Snowpocalyptic Frankenstorm".  They were successful.  Water is sold out.  Batteries are gone.  The canned soup aisle was looking a little sparse.  I don't do much when it comes to emergency response preparedness.  I have 3 gallons of water, a flash light, and a good book.   Kevin built a fort for the boys.... however this occurs almost weekly, so I don't really accept it as emergency planning, unless there was gonna be a dig on the cleanliness of my house... which at times could be warrented.

I was just thankful to get the coveted family pic's outta the way before we had to figure out how to photo shop out shivering lips and snot, or coordinate jackets into the picture!  Yes, the insanity has passed.  There were smiles.  Clean clothes.  Groomed appearences.  Success.  I can't wait to see the finished product... given my family are just about the only ones following my antics, you'll see the fruits of my labor in a mailbox near you soon :)

Pray we don't actually lose power, else the inmates might take over the asylum!

http://gizmodo.com/5955168/how-hurricane-sandy-might-become-a-snowpocalyptic-frankenstorm

Family Picture Day

You know that awkward moment, when you see your hairstylist, and you have perfectly updated highlights, but SHE hasn't seen you in months?  Been there.  I find myself there again in a slightly different context.  Just found out today, we're doing some family pictures tomorrow with an amazingly talented friend I have!  Super excited!  However, I JUST turned down another amazingly talented friend who offered to take some for us as a part of her fall family deal.   Now this all makes sense logically... financially one made more sense than the other.... but when you post professional pics to the world, you don't always get to lead with the logic.  Awkward.

As much as mama's around the world LOVE professional shots of their sweet families, I've yet to find an event that incites more stress than family picture day.   This could be genetic.  I'm not 100% convinced ALL families expierence the levels of anxiety and stress that seem to have plagued my family for generations, but I'm a carrier for this genetic abnormality.  For the most part I like to think of myself as low-maintenance.  Go with the flow.  Relaxed.   I am NONE of these things on family picture day.  On family picture day, my desire to control even the remotest detail comes rushing to the surface.  Which in itself is funny, because my favorite family pictures are the 'life in motion kind'.  This can make things extra complicated, because now not only do I want to be able to control the weather, position of the sun, outfits, smiles, hair, bystandars, etc.... I also want to make sure that WHILE we are in motion we are facing the camera but not looking directly at it... cause heaven forbid it appear 'posed'.

God must have known my nuerosis couldn't handle an extended wait up until picture day, so I get 24 hours to panic and then it will all be over.... Which means I can't waste anymore time explaining my craziness here... I've got to get moving!  Boys need hair cuts, color pallets need to be selected, pinterest needs to be consulted for poses, and I need to scoop out the shoot site can so all of my carefully crafted poses can come off so totally not posed ;)

Pray for Kev and the boys... and me... we'll need it!

Today: Brought to you by the letter "C"

Of course day 2 of my little adventure would bring nitty gritty.  Why would it not?  I have a friend.  We were best friends for years, and then life got in the way.  When I met her, I thought she was the most glamorous thing I'd ever encountered.  Its funny what looks glamorous when you're in sixth grade.  One of my earliest memories was her birthday party, we rode around town in a limo, to a restaurant, the beach, and then got to spend the night at, what appeared to me at the time, a castle!

Her life turned out to be anything but glamorous, but I loved her fiercely.  I was convinced at 13 that I could save her, and still at 14, 15, 16, and 17.  Your super hero powers start to wear off a little bit as you get older, then you can lose them all together, only to rediscover you're still a super hero when you have kids.  Life can be cool like that.

The two of us, we were firecrackers.  Wound pretty tight, a little crazy, not fully in touch with reality, but MAN did we have fun!  Until she started leaving.  Months at a time, she would leave to 'get well', the first time I thought maybe I could go with her if I lost enough weight, but I couldn't stay committed to the goal.  I didn't realize how sick my friend was... I just thought she was really committed... I wanted to be as committed as her.  I'm really glad I'm not 13 anymore.  When she would come back, from what I thought was camp, she was 'better' and we'd go right back to our normal shenanigans and never talk about 'camp'. I was jealous of the friends she made there, and that I didn't get to go.

The comings & goings became more frequent.  The shenanigans a little more real and a lot more dangerous. I realized how sick she was.  I got scared.

So what does this have to do with today?

Over the course of the years, on random occasions, I would hear from my friend.  She would share the absolute insanity of her life, the old feelings of wanting to save her would resurface, and my heart would break as it had grown in the knowledge that I couldn't.  I don't hear directly from her anymore, or at least I haven't in the last couple years, but through the wonderful advances in technology I'd watch the insanity unfold on the pages of Facebook.   Some posts would make me smile, seeing the crazy fun girl up to old antics, some would make me cringe as she poured herself into another guy not worthy of her sweet heart, and some would make my heart break again, as she wrote about believing the world had given up on her.  But I would say nothing.  I felt like I had said it all, more times than I could count.

She posted today (or at least I read it today)... and again I couldn't comment.  I mean in all seriousness... look at this post, I would have seriously exhausted the capabilities of Facebook.

How do you apologize for being human?  Do you?  I can see this from her point of view, it bears a striking resemblance to me giving up on her.  Self-preservation does contain more than half of the word selfish.... But then I just get mad... and that's how I know I still love her.... you don't get angry with people you don't care about.  You usually don't even think about people you don't care about... but I think about her, and I get mad at her for being selfish... for not listening to the people who love her, for not believing that we do, for making choices that could end up killing her....  And so I don't say anything....  Because when you haven't talked to someone in 2 years, yelling at them is likely not the most polite way to say hello.

I'm a firm believer in the statement "life is what you make of it".  I acknowledge some are starting from a rather large deficit.... but I also believe no matter where you are, its a matter of the NEXT choice you'll make and the ones that come after that.  Even if the first choice is simply agreeing that you might have a problem bigger than you can handle on your own... and then choosing everyday to set aside what you think, because you've discovered your thoughts might be whats hurting you most. Choosing to listen to those that bring light into your life, that tell you the truth even when it hurts, that love you enough to fight with you.  Choose to accept reality and to dig in and get to work on making it better... it doesn't happen over night and no one can do it for you, but we can cheer you on.  Personal experience can attest, the more good choices you make, the louder your cheering section gets!

Love you C... Today is for you... Make it count :)

Today

Today I'm trying to be Plato, or some equally fancy philosopher.  Despite people telling me, I'm a good writer, and as much as I love doing it, I come to this blank page often and walk away intimidated that I don't have something new to say.  So I'm gonna try giving that up right now, so that I can get back to what I love without all the stinkin pressure. 

I want to write... I want to record my life... yes, secretly I'd love a really fancy blog that pays the bills someday.  However someday, is just the collection of many today's... so after THREE years of struggling to figure out what I wanted MY blog to be... we've landed on the simplistic solution of 'Today'.  If all I have to do, is relay the thoughts, experiences, joy, and misery of a single day... maybe, JUST maybe, I can do that.

I love reinventing yourself  just because its a Tuesday, and you can.  The thing with starting something new though, is you gotta give context at the start... which can be long sometimes... and since I love to write and talk... this could get long.  Sorry.

I am a HOT mess.  I'm fairly certain I have a mild form of insomnia.  I definitely have some variation of attention deficit disorder.  I love organization.  I hate structure.  I have a colorful past, that few are aware of.  I like it this way.... for now.  I'm learning I am actually in the majority with the last statement, that we live in a world of colorful packages, that rarely get opened up to see what's inside.  We'll see to what degree I open up here... we'll see how safe it feels.  I occasionally slip into 2nd and 3rd person descriptions of myself, this has yet to be determined as a quirky trait or a certifiable issue.  In order; I'm a person trying to figure out this God thing, a lover of my amazing husband, a lunatic trying to raise little lunatics, and in no particular order a sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, and random human.

Today, I'm drawing my line in the sand, to walk away from presenting, projecting, pretending... and as Wanda Sykes put it so eloquently "I'ma be me"!  Everything I'm gonna say has likely already been said before, by someone smarter, more funny, eloquant, and with better grammer and spelling.  I've decided to be o.k. with this, and stop freaking out that I have to figure out how to reinvent the wheel in an effort to be cooler than them.

Today, I didn't go to bed until 2am, knowing that my kids would wake up before 6am, because I was just having to stinkin much fun gabbing with girlfriends... yes on a Monday night.  Which probably explains my delierious decision to reinvent myself on a Tuesday, and commit to writing a daily blog... in two months when I come back here, and re-read this one, I can apologize for making sleepy promises.  However I did sneak a nap... how... cause God loves me and gave me the most awesomly flexible job in the world, and a lovely woman named Rosah to help watch my boys from 8-2 M-Th.  Thank you God and Rosah for my nap this morning while I was 'working'. 

I went back to the dentist for the first time in 2.5+years today as well.   I have a little secret to tell you... while I never have actually grown up, the one area I will continue to pretend in, is that I'm a grown up with my kids.  They are the only reason I'm a responsible, functioning adult.  Now that Cub is old enough to start going to the dentist, is the ONLY reason the appointment was made, and since I had to 'model' good behavior for him, my teeth got cleaned as well.  Other responsible things in my life that are directly attributed to having kids: why we started going back to church regularly once Cub was born, eating vegetables with every meal, forgoing booty music while little ears are in the car, and likely a few more.   Area's the child in me still reign supreme: my desire to stay in jammies all day, aversion to showering, and cleaning up behind myself.  We call these my work in progress area's... we're hoping as the today's roll on and I have something to be accountable to... in two months if I'm still claiming jammie days every day, I will eventually feel enough conviction in my own posts to get dressed in the morning (FYI: Yoga pants are considered getting dressed).

I've got to brag on Cub for a sec.  Little man makes me look like a rockstar.  He was a pro in the dentist chair, polite, inquisitive, a charmer.  He has a tendancy to amp up the charm for peeps.  Honest, cross my heart, I rarely put him up to this (never would be a bold face lie, but rarely is truth), it cracks me up cause it makes people think I have some sort of universal secret figured out, and in reality I'm just as baffled as they are.  My theory is God knew I was NO WHERE NEAR ready to be a parent, so he gave me a wise little soul as my first... someone that wouldn't really test the parenting limits, as a means of building my confidence that I could also keep others alive.  He's putting that theory to the test now with little brother.  We've entered this fantastic stage of boundary testing.  He'll ask for something, I'll get it for him, then he'll lose his ever-lovin mind saying he doesn't want it.  I take it away, and he counters now convinced he'll DIE without said item.  This does not go on for long, because I walk away, and am trailed by a screeching, convulsing, mess of a child as he pleads for me to partake longer in the game to see who will go crazy first.  Child, understand this... I will win... it is my job as mom to win.  Learn this soon so we can all live happily ever after, o.k.?

So yeah... that's my today... it makes me kinda excited/nervous for what tomorrow could bring, cause if I'm pledging to tell you about it, I'm really hoping day 2 doesn't require me to expose more of the nitty gritty too soon... Let's continue getting to know eachother first... mmmm kay?   Now for a chill night, cause yeah, the children did bring out the responsible adult in that area... one night till 2am at a time... followed closely by a 9pm bed-time so I don't implode. :)

The Grocery Store Challenge

I’m throwing out a challenge. Find me the smartest person alive, and I will stupefy them with a trip to the grocery store.

The parameters of the game are as follows:

$100 Dollars to Spend
Healthy
Will feed a family of 4 for a week (careful how you estimate kid portions… if you haven’t met mine)
You cannot plan on serving the same meal twice for dinner (lunch left overs are permissible, but not in excess)
You can spend no more than 1hr in the store
Must remember to use at least one coupon (cause you really are trying)
Must ensure receipt is 100% accurate in pricing of items on sale
You have to keep my two children with you, at all times
You need to complete said challenge without injury to self/others.


Some of you read that, and scoffed at my menial abilities, convinced of your mad skills. Others of you, without knowing any better, thought “awwww, bless her heart”… I know what that means… I spent 8 years in the south! Still others, armed with first-hand knowledge of the challenging feat, offer empathy. Thank you.

The kicker. Additional parameters for “Healthy”:

Cannot contain any High Fructose Corn Syrup
All items must have less than 25% daily sodium percentage per serving
All items must also have less than 10% daily sugar percentages per serving
Any Fruit/veggies grown in the ground, or which you eat the skin of, must be organic.
No dyed foods (Red Dye #7, Blue #8…. That stuff will kill you ya’ know ;)

This is not for the faint of heart people. I’m not kidding when I estimate at any given time approximately 3 equations trying to be processed in my head for any single item I put in the cart. Example: “The jar of sauce, says 2 for $5… easy enough $2.50, but its only 16oz, and this other one is 24oz, and costs $3.00… Hmmm 8 oz more, one additional serving, for .$50…… Oh wait, now flip it over for the nutrition facts…. The 16 oz one is lower in overall sodium and sugar, oh wait… there is this 3rd option close in price…. (remember those kids you brought with you… at this point in time, one has walked around the corner, and the other is trying desperately to wiggle out of the cart seat, while whining to you about getting down, and also grabbing things you don’t want to buy off the shelf and throwing them into the cart)…. Where were we at again on those equations?

So who’s gonna give it a whirl??? Any Takers??? The smartest person alive, was given that title for a reason, they are smart enough to know that the challenge set before them is impossible. Prove me wrong. I’ll buy you dinner!

Back to School, to FINALLY understand the Golden Rule!

At the beginning of the year, my goal, specifically not a resolution, was to find balance. I think maybe my perspective of what balance was started out slightly flawed. I had imagined it as walking a tight rope between right and wrong, and to that imagery I would have fallen to my death long ago, if that tight rope were extended in mid-air. Even with the line safely on the ground, I would have looked like a drunk on the side of the road, trying so hard to avoid a night in the slammer. However, if you added up the leans toward one side and the other…. I might be a little closer to striking a balance. Maybe.


The battle seems to fall between selfish and selfless…. With errors still occurring squarely on the side of selfish. Isn’t it funny how certain you can become that you are the only person in the world who is selfish? That everyone else is walking around in a constant state of service, never once weighing decisions based purely on self-interest.

Or is it true, and I need a massive kick in the pants?

I do love being there for people, helping them when they need it, but only so long as it fits within parameters I’ve defined. Some call that having healthy boundaries, jury is still out for me. To complicate that, you know how good it feels when you do meet a need, give more than you planned, do something for the greater good, and you want to shout it from the roof tops. Which is a strange phenomenon in and of itself, because technically if we were living as we should, we’d be doing those things all the time and our need to toot our own horn at having done them would subside. Back to the point, in all reality the only person that actually wants to hear about it is your mom. It kinda comes with the job I suppose, whenever you’re child comes to you and says look Mom and Dad, look what I did, you give them a pat on the back and say well done. I guess, biblically, that’s how it’s supposed to be done, you know the whole end of our lives “Well done good and faithful servant” speech…. Although I’m still holding out hope for the audible, ‘atta girl’ to fall from heaven sometimes.

Facebook doesn’t help matters. In a matter of seconds I can tell the world that I cleaned my house that day, and get 15 ‘likes’. Then on the days when I’m lacking total motivation and (since I’m lacking total motivation) find myself on Facebook, seeing other people posting about how productive they are, generally only feeds the beast that can be self-loathing. I suppose one thing that has balanced in the last 8 months has been my love of Facebook, its finally found its rightful place at the low end of my to-do/see totem-pole.

The grace v. confrontation balance has been a bit of a mind bender for me too. If ‘love covers a multitude of sins’, where on that line… that very fuzzy if not totally transparent, line… do you say enough? I guess if you’re writing a book, that’s designed to cover every human condition, and remain relevant for 2000 years +, you’re bound to have quite a few juxtaposed positions on topics, but it does create quite a complication for someone trying to find their line of balance!

I know I’m not the only one struggling with this one either…. It’s shocking how heated a Christian debate can become. In politics or life, if you hold a different opinion as someone else, they might call you ignorant (if they’re keeping it classy). In Christian debates, people gloss right over ignorance and start praying for your soul…. Meaning they’re quite certain you’re headed to Hell with your current way of thinking and they need to intercede for you. It has me totally baffled. Millions, if not in the billions, of people claim Christianity, and yet the greater church with its many different factions (of which I do claim ignorance for understanding the differences) can’t seem to get us all on the same page? If a house divided falls, I’d say we’re in a bit of trouble peeps.

With all of my questions, I am super excited to start this next semester with church. I’ve signed up to take these seminary style classes from Regent University, it’s part of a pilot program my church is doing with them. Three years, 12 classes I think, and you end with a certificate of practical ministry from the University. This is only my first semester, so whether I stay committed till the end is TBD, but I’m excited for my own ‘Back to School’ adventure! If you weren’t a fan of the faithy posts before, you might want to stop checking in so I don’t annoy you, cause that’s the direction this mama is moving, so I’d expect my musings to follow suit.

The Unexpected

I've landed myself squarely in a conundrum.... Before I actually BELIEVED any of this faith stuff, I was totally fine telling anyone 'yeah I believe, I'm just not one of those crazies', and then went ahead on my jolly way living my own life doing my own thing, right/wrong/whatevs.  Now I do BELIEVE it, and I don't talk about it because I don't want to scare people.... Cause let's face it... church people can really be WIERD sometimes!  So eitherway you sliced it, I didn't seem to end up on the right side.... Live a life not really making any attempt to follow Jesus, and tell people I was.... confusing.... or live a life trying to, and not talk about Him at all.... confusing.

I do want to set the record straight on a couple things though, me 'Believing' does not translate to:  won't touch alcohol, wouldn't think of shaking their groove thing to a song that doesn't play on a christian station, is on their knees with their nose in a bible for 25 hours a day, is suddenly a doting wife/mother/best friend ever/amazing coorespondant/will drop everything to help whenever/whoever/whatever at a moments notice perfect person.  I'm sure there are a couple more I'm missing, that I'll likely get the chance to point out when I make a bone head move, and someone says "I thought you CHAAAAANGED" (cause that's how I see this going down in my head), and I can say.... "Oh yeah change didn't necessarily translate to that either... at least not yet".

This faith stuff is crazy ya'll, like seriously mind-boggling WTFudge ;)  crazy!  Most liberating thing I've found to-date.... God know's when I was typing that, that fudge was not the word that came to mind, and while He might not be "cool" with it, He's got a really REALLY big long list of other things He's working on with me first, and that one will eventually come up, but He would be more annoyed with me trying to 'change' how I talk so I can sound like I think I'm supposed, cause then I'd be fake.... and He's got a bigger issue with the F word when that word is Fake :)   So we're just gonna be real, whatever that looks like.

O.K... so you've made it this far.... on to the real reason for the Blog....

You guys, August was INSANE... My head is quite litterally spinning which is why I had to write it all down cause trying to make sense of it in my head was NOT working out well for me.

Let's start with the first week.  Aug 1st, our tenants in Texas give notice they are moving out and we have 30 days to figure out how to re-let the house from 1100 miles away.  A few days later, one of my very closest friends from out here, and the boys care provider, drops the bomb that she's moving to Colorado.... in a WEEK.  Eight hours after that, we learned that our second pregnancy since Logan was also going to end in a mis-carriage.   Not a stellar week in the Alspaugh household.

So to end the month in abject wonder and thankfulness from that start is nothing short of a miracle :)! 

God provided a new care provider for the boys, before I even realized I needed one (A girl from my church approached me actually ASKING me if she could watch my boys 3 days before Steph gave her notice, I'd told her I had everything covered at the time.... You know who got the first call when Steph did give her notice!).  Caaaa-RAY-zeeee, but so cool too!
The week after the miscarriage we were overwhelmed with an outpouring of love from my girlfriends out here and family/friends from home, they stocked my fridge for two weeks with meals, came and watched chick flix with me, and Kev and the boys were angels as well... may be par for the course for Kev, but the boys... yeah the can run the spectrum from angel... to possessed... so angels for a whole week was a treat!  The icing on that cake, was I got to find purpose in what was going to be an empty nursery.  A week after learning the room would be empty we actually ended up filling it with a new addition to our family... I GOT MY GIRL ;) (wait... breath... no baby, no adoption... ok. are we composed again?)  Melanie, an intern for our church for the school year was litterally arriving that Saturday and the church didn't have a home for her... and well we now had room, so in she moved :)

All that only brought us to the middle of the month when Kevin's parents came for a visit, and I had my Bear encounter.  Please tell me you saw my picture on Facebook.  IT WAS A REAL, LIVE, HONEST TO GOD BLACK BEAR 30 ft. from me you guys...  Seriously... INSANE MONTH!  Who has bear encounters?

So that brings me to the trials/tribulations of re-letting a home 1100 miles away.  We got an early bite on the ad.  I was thrilled.  That was until in my first conversation with the prospect alerted me to the felony record that would accompany them into the house, should I extend a contract to them.  Yeah... That will pull you up short in a phone conversation.  "A felony, huh, well I guess the next logical question would be what for?", "Well my husband robbed two banks 5 years ago, he wasn't armed, but our credit is now shot, and no one will give us a chance, I totally understand if you won't either".  OUCH... she HAD to play the compassion card, I'm such a sucker for those. I told her I'd pray about it and let her know (this was not one of those, I'll pray about its, so I can get you off the phone trying to be nice).  I told God I'd move forward with this, and asked Him to make the prospects withdrawl themselves from the process if they were gonna screw me.  Long story short, after probably about 50 e-mails, phone calls to the parole officer, their pastor, and about 20 other back ground checks, I sent them a contract... and wouldn't ya' know... they back out. 

So now a week before the month runs out, I had no prospects, an empty house and a looming double mortgage/rent payment coming due?  What does God do... He invites me (via my girlfriend) to spend a 5 days in Key West with Him and one of my nearest/dearest.... He's a pretty cool guy ;)  (A smidge of a lie, I bought the plane ticket, the day before our prospects backed out... so in my defense, I did think I had tenants when I spent the money).

So we FINALLY brought August to an end, and did so with no tenant.... until today! :)  I'm not gonna lie, I am SO not a fan of the sweating it out method that God seems to enjoy employing from time to time... Really not... gonna have a chat with Him about the logic behind that when I get to Heaven, and how many heart attacks may have resulted from such methods, and who's fault those were, but I digress.... He did it, He found us the perfect tenants, who signed a TWO YEAR lease!!! 
Christine Caine came and spoke at our church half-way through this month... I found it rather appropriate timing, as one of her points in her message is that our job is mearly to prepare, to just do what we can, when we can do it.  She said God doesn't start working until we've reached our impossible, if its possible and within our means we are expected to do it.... Well my impossible was Sept. 1st with no tenants... and wouldn't ya' know... He came through! 

So yeah... crazy month, but with as stressful and unexpected as everything was, I wouldn't have traded it.  Sure, I might have choosen some things to work out differently, but this faith that I've been working on for the last two years was put to the test, and it held.  I rather enjoy not going to pieces when it appears as though my life is doing just that.  Waiting... Watching... Believing for something to come through, to work, and allowing a VERY broad range for what that will look like.  The answers aren't alwasy what I want, but there is reason to them, and when there doesn't even seem to be reason, there is at least the adventure of the unexpected.  If I had to pick between a life of expected, and the adventure of the unexpected, I want the latter..... Although should I end up dying of a stress induced heart attack, me and God are gonna have some words on the why behind that one! ;)

Exhausted

My brain couldn't possibly condense all that occured in the last 4 days, and the excitement I have for the next 14 into a 250 character facebook update.... solution.... Blog.

I'm exhuasted.  The good kind of exhausted.  The kind they talk about in that joke where you slide into the grave at the end of your life entirely spent from a life well lived.  The last 4 days were days well lived.  Days spent among friends, camping in the middle of God's (and the Amish) country, making unforgettable memories with the boys, and ending it with German Chocolate cake celebrating my hubs 35th birthday vegging with him on the couch.  Perfection.

When I think over the details of the weekend however, my "Heaven" could quite easily be confused with anothers definition of "Hell", but in retrospect that's what was the icing on the cake for me.  No matter the circumstances tossed at us over the past 4 days, in a group of 25, not one cracked under pressure... a rather impressive feat given the following....

Ingredients for Creation Fest 2012:
4 days over 95 Degrees (2 over 100)
2 Massive Thunderstorms, one with tornados and all (we're in tents mind you)
Concerts that last until 11pm
No normal naps due to said 100 degree heat
A 4 month old, 2, 3, 4, & 7 year old, and 2 'stimmers' as my girlfriend calls 'em (Autism)

Do you think I'm insane yet??? :)

Our roughing it, wasn't nearly as rough as it sounded though.  When contemplating camping, make friends with 'campers'.... real ones... the kind with years of experience, and then ride their coat-tails closely.  We had a generator, which powered a shower, and essentially a 'full' kitchen, provided a charge station for the all important cell phones which also doubled as wifi-hotspots for the Ipads and laptops.  I would like to say Kevin and I contributed in some meaningful way, but these friends of our are pro's... the most meaningful way to contribute is to ask how we can help and stay out of the way if we can't :).

The most ironic part, was waking up on Saturday morning, getting text information from friends back in Alexandria that they were all out of power, in houses over 100 degrees.  We had slept like babie (litterally, the babes never even made a peep) in our tents and were enjoying fresh coffee, bacon, eggs, and pancakes while a nice breeze blew through the trees maintaining a cooler temp in the early morning.

Creation Fest itself was a great experience, in retrospect, with small boys we'll probably opt for a ticket to our favorite day/night and then use the rest of our time to just enjoy the fun of camping, while still getting some reasonable sleep.  We learned no matter how late they went to bed, 6:30-7am is still their sweet spot for waking up.  Ouch.  We did learn naps in the air conditioning car worked fairly well to help bridge the day, and thank God for providing an awesome pool nearby that we found to help us beat the heat during the day.  The boys did awesome.  They loved it, and wanted to stay longer as we packed up today, which was the best confirmation that we were exactly where we were meant to be this weekend.

Now we've got a day to relax/reset before Aunt Rebecca and Uncle Trav come out for a couple days to celebrate the 4th with us, and then we ALL caravan back to Michigan for 10 days visiting family back home!

Yes... I will be exhuasted, but with that bleary eyed smile on my face, thankful for all the fun and fabulous people in my life!!!